Inked for life!

The gun is scary to look at. When he fixed the needle it was even scarier. He jutted the needle out after fixing it and dipped it in the ink. Black it was. He quickly checked if the needle was fixed correctly and the ink enough.

The needle moved in and out so fast that it looked like it will drill through! The sound was that of a micro jet. A weak soul would faint at the very sight. I sat there on his recliner calmly.

Butterflies fluttered in my stomach and anxiety was killing me but my face remained undeterred. I looked like a pro. Atleast i pretended to be. I had 2 already... so this one was no big deal you see.

The other guy had etched the design on my foot and the stencil told the outcome would be great. As i lay on the recliner, with a pseudo calm around me... he got the gun and jotted the first dot on my skin. I felt this sudden rush of blood to my head. It made me happy. As his gun kissed and scored along my skin drawing the stencil into reality the rush drove me insane. It was like a hundred roller coster rides one after the other. The rush was immense.

He finished the outline in no time and kept staring at it. He coolly asked me 'do you want me to do something else to it?' I said yeah fill it up. He replied 'actually i wanted to keep it that way, you want me to color it?' i said yeah color it... 'he said hang on' and pulled out a pen from his stand full of equipment and handy things. He drew something over the outline... said 'i'm thinking let's give it a shadow... will make it light grey so it looks like it' i looked closely... pondered like i understood what he envisioned and then nodded in disagreement. Nope! let it be like that... just fill it with color... both my tattoos are black and i want a hint of color on this... 'which color' he asked... i said blue...the guy behind him quickly walked up to the stack of color bottles and followed his instructions. 'Two drops of blue and one green'

The needle was cleaned and he dipped in some color on it. The wise traveler gradually was filled with life. It was incredibly beautiful, delicate and aesthetic. You rock! I told him. He was smiling.... it took him 20 mins...only....He dabbed the tattoo and asked his matey to apply some ointment over it... he got up and looked at it... 'next time, pls let us some more work on you preeti!' and i looked at him and smiled.... 'yes sure, next time i promise i will come back with a big design for my back!' he replied 'ya ya...' as he smiled and walked away.

My Wise traveller, the symbol of my love for travel... will be with me forever... where ever i go... will encourage me to step out and follow my dream...

My first was the eye of horus, an ancient egyptian symbol of the protection and royal power.... my second was my love for my dog when she died...'GYPSY' etched in arabic...and my third the traveler!

My passion has been inked on me forever....

Before i Die....

Things I want to do before I die. In no particular order actually

1. Make my own film – write and direct, whether I get appreciation for it or not. I don’t want to die unhappy about the fact that I had the vision and put it to no use.

2. Globe trot – want to see every part of the world, physically accessible and mentally thinkable. I was born with two feet to trot and walk so I shall!

3. drive on the formula one track – I am a fast and furious girl. Love fast cars and furious men. I can only drive men furious so I’d rather choose to drive a car so fast that the tyres burn! Formula 1 is my dream… and I know I will drive on the Monaco track one day.

4. work with SRK – I do not know by the time I make my film SRK would still play leads. I would still love to work with him once even if that means taking his phone calls.

5. build a genuine liking for children – for all who know me know I cannot tolerate children. They are nice till they learn to talk! But before I die I want to genuinely like children and indulge in the whole ‘ollllle le le le… ta hua baby to’ crap talk.

6. be filthy rich some day - even if it means I become broke the very next day. Even for a day I want to feel how the rich feel.

7. bungee jumping and zorbing – these two sports make my head spin… the thought I mean. I am a self confessed adrenaline junkie, I am medically advised not to get into these two sports less I decide to commit suicide by breaking my back forever. But I promise you mister doctor, I will be fine and living for another 50yrs even after bungee jumping and spinning in the zorb ball.

8. learn how to swim – I am an aquarian. Just for namesake. I cannot swim to save my life. This fear I developed as a child when I went to learn swimming and somebody threw me in 10ft deep water when I was 3ft myself. Couldn’t ever learn how to swim after that. I love water though…

9. live in the mountains and write – this is like the closest wish to my heart. I really want to live in the mountains for a good six months and write. From the big wooden windows with a cup of tea, over looking green meadows and sheep grazing on the beautiful landscape… and as eyes go up you’d see snow kissed mountains… I want to write… I love the mountains! I’d probably die there.

10. sing – I do sing… I am trained! But I am too shy to sing in public. But one day I want to revive my passion for singing. I will sing again!

11. watch all the movie made to date – I want to, hopefully!

12. I want to buy the world’s most expensive watch ever!

13. I want to learn photography. I love it and I do manage a few lucky shots but not as good as I would like them to be.

14. My one dream of getting a tattoo was fulfilled twice, but I still have that urge of getting one more! On my calve muscles. The sign of a traveler!

15. travel to space! Yes if technology allows me to

16. travel in time – yes that too!

17. get married… or so I wish!

Aegis

When she cried she was fed with goodies. When she laughed she was made to laugh even more. When she fell, they came running to pick her up. When she made mistakes they would grab her by the arm and make her understand everything. When she was lonely they would fill her life with their presence. When it rained they quickly covered her head. When she slept, they would pull a blanket over her and kiss her forehead with affection that her made her smile in her sleep. She was part of a happy family. Now when she cries, she cries alone. When she laughs, she laughs at her own misery. When she falls she has to stumble and get up and on her own. When she makes mistakes, either people laugh at her or she pays for them. When she is lonely she has no escape from her loneliness. When it rains she has no choice but to soak in the rain. When she sleeps she shivers as she cries.

She is missing life. Nobody to run their hands over her head to console her when she is crying. Nobody to hold and hug her tight when she is scared. Nobody to wipe tears off her cheeks and maker laugh when she is low. Nobody to say 'i care'. It's tuff to battle alone in the most treacherous of wars with life. It's tough not to give in and give up at times. Its tough to just smile when you don't feel like it.

It's like a sudden gush of wind blows your umbrella away. Like you are stranded in the middle of no where. When you try to clean up the mess it becomes even messier. She doesn't know how to deal with it anymore. She is cringing in her mind with the thought of being out in open. She feels vulnerable and unarmored. Sans Aegis!

Ape Dance!

Atul and I had this infamous habit of ogling at all the women in the disco. We passed nasty comments on how they looked, dressed, danced and some were our regular baits. At ‘B2B – the place to be’ he and I grabbed a corner would trip on every human breathing on floor. It was a fun exercise for us, much like the harmless high you’d get out of drinking. Our routine was somewhat like this – we walked into Country Inn with a fleet of cars always, some 4 odd one after the other. Raina, Deependra, Atul and me… swoosh… into the sparkling valet. We would get our wrists stamped and walk down the twisty stairway like it was our own disco. The first floor had the bar and a lounge area and we would first thing do is peep down and look at the people on the floor and then walk down to the lower level. We would fill our glasses and grab one corner from where we could scan the whole crowd without them seeing us. Once we were done scanning, we would then pick on the ‘catch of the day’ who would be then our subject of torture for as long as we were there.

So this one chick in a white tight shirt was our regular target. Her shirt was so tight that I felt sometime her intestines would pop out and she would die of claustrophobia. Nonetheless, she was breathing…comfortably… to return every week! Atul had an eye on her… she was a ‘tota’ for him. I found her cheap. She would just thrust her chest in and out to every song like she knew nothing else. Her partner would change each week, which is what amused Atul most. Every weekend she would get a different tharki buddha with her to pay up for her booze and dance – a so called couple! When we were done taking her case we would then pay attention to the sudden high of the tempo of music playing which meant that the place is packed and everybody is ready to ‘hit it’. DJ chetan would blare on the mic and rap to some hip hop tune ‘Welcome everybody to B2B- the place to be, enjoy your evening… let me see some hands in the air….here you go….’ And then suddenly the whole crowd on the dance floor would jump up and down in sync and throw their hands in the air.

The dark disco would light up with disco lights swirling from left to right. Champak would begin his lambada to any song virtually. He would squeeze his hands close to his body and do quirky footwork that nobody could catch! Each one would gradually start stepping on to the floor and do their own thing. Gattu had a peculiar dance step where she would stick her butt out like a duck and spread her hands on her sides like duck’s wings and sway from side to side. Ashi was so shy that she would not budge from her place and only look around and move slightly. Sleepy was the most stylish. She would dress up like a bomb and apply make up and get transformed on the floor. Hinna would only come if her brother and bhabhi accompanied her, so she was always the last to come and the energy would suddenly go up as she entered! Moniya, would only step in once beedi played and then there was no stopping. She would dance till she died. For me… I had no head no tail. One song needed to pep me up and I am on! I would find the closest speaker and stand under it. Music would give me a high that no spirit could ever. I was always under the speaker grooving to my dance style…. Till my favorite song played and I joined the centre again. I dint bother, who was looking at me or how I looked when I dance. I still don’t. It’s a trip for me like a shot! Atul, had the funniest form of dancing. He has described it in his blog in the best manner. ‘Showing off his own unique dancing style which was unmatched(it seemed like a snake was trying to climb a mountain, the guys hands and legs used to assume different polio like postures which would have even shocked a qualified surgeon)’. We would all ape him and he would feel so proud of it! Chaddu was the worst. She wouldn’t dance in the first place and is she did she would elbow and kill people around her with her histrionics.

Well, I took breaks between my dance displays for my back ache wouldn’t allow me to dance at a stretch. So these breaks were Tharak time for Atul and me. ‘ Dekh dekh, kya tota aya hai aaj…’was his standard line always. I would then scan the chick from head to toe and disapprove of her. And then was our time to rape everybody’s character standing in that one corner. ‘Yeh aaj ghar jaake na…. aaj to iski diwali hai…. Kya baapu bazaar chhap kapda daal ke aayi hai…. Iska charitra kuch thik nahi hai…’.
One thing we have seen, as soon as a popular number played, the entire crowd would roar which was supposed to be a happy welcoming sound and then they would all dance a common step harmoniously. Either throw their hands in the air and jump up and down or do a hand up and down step. Few of the famous popular songs for sync steps are ‘paathshala’, ‘aye mere dil tu gaaye ja’, ‘It’s the time to disco’, ‘where’s the party tonight’, ‘we will rock you’, as soon as ‘summer of 69’ played everybody would become Bryan Adams in multiples, strumming imaginary guitar’s and thumping their heads up and down wildly. Funny synchronized dancing. I really enjoyed watching these sync dances. All non-dancers enjoyed this one moment of glory where they knew one step well atleast! The signature step from the popular song from the time was what they danced to. I am not the, ‘ape a step’ kinds. I have my own dance style…. Out of sync from the crowd… I am ok with it. Atul cannot dance anyway!

But really, not just B2B, every nightclub that I have visited has the same set of people. It’s like a ‘copy-paste’ phenomenon. Same things happen… same kinda disc-etiquette is followed. Same hysteria when a hit song plays, same synchronized dancing to popular songs same shit. Apes haven’t evolved a bit.

F R I E N D S - How well do you know them?

I have just finished a fully faltu quiz on FB saying how well do know xyz. I scored a miniscule 58%. But what prompted me to take the quiz was the friend himself. This friend is an item in his own right. I have not seen a ‘piece’ like him ever in my life. He is oblivious to the mocking faces and sniggering friends. He is oblivious of the facts about himself and he really needs a reality check at every step in his life. He is always the topic for our entertainment even when he’s not with us. We talk about him and amuse ourselves with his unique ability to just make a fool of himself everywhere. He never fails to astonish me.

There is another one like this boy. Let’s name this sample as ‘the buffoon type’. They are the ‘clowning glory’ of any group. There would be nothing to laugh about had they not been there. So every time you bunch of friends meet you will have this friends’ histrionics to talk about always. This other chick friend of mine is a sample. She has this uncanny ability to make a fool of herself at any cost. It’s like her task for the day ‘to make a bigger of me than yesterday, each day’. Her category is slightly different though. She falls under ‘the inquisitive pooper type’. She will innocently pretend to be your best friend and show how much she cares but at the end mess up everything that is there. Under utter foolishness, these kinds may ruin all your plans. These are like the bugs that crack all your smart alec plans and make you look like a fool ironically.

The next specimen is the one that thinks is a know all. They are ‘the smarty pants types’. They feel unwanted and petty if they do not know something or anything! So when you are talking about something they have to give their opinion, they have to display their ‘vast’ knowledge about things they know. Even if their opinion is uncalled for. There is a type B also here. One’s that have an opinion about everything. So whether they know the subject or not, they may google it and get back or even blurt half baked knowledge. So you may just stop talking and stare at them and they may pretend that what they said was indeed right till you resume your conversation. I knew this girl who seemed very intelligent (read this as an oxymoron itself: girl - intelligent!) who would always have her ears open for conversations she could barge into. She was aware of a lot of things I agree, but awareness isn’t knowledge, isn’t wisdom at all! I could never beat her at her arena coz I don’t believe in arguments, even though I knew she was bullshitting at many occasions.

The next one is ‘the curious type’. This one is always inquisitive about everything. ‘Tell na’ is the first word they learnt when they started speaking! They want to know everything. Where you got your clothes from, where you eat, what happened to your ex’s Y’s W’s Q’s relative, what happened to that employees mothers husbands nieces dog and so on and so forth… they just love to hoard information that is totally useless.

‘The wannabe types’ are the ones that want to be like you all the time. So they would do every thing that you do, smartly. Dress like you, talk like you, make friends with your friends and try so hard to be liked. They remain the sidekicks always and never elevate in the group to anything important. You would often forget to invite them into your plans.

The biggest turns off are ‘the self obsessed types’. The moment they enter you know your conversation (read monologue) is going to be skewed towards that person. He will only talk of himself and what he did and how he did and how it was ‘oh so fabulous’. He thinks he is the centre of attention but in actuality nobody really cares about him. He may end being the Type 1 ‘buffoon’ eventually if he overdoes his ‘Me-ness’.

There are certain natural leaders of a group. Somehow strangely everybody else seems to agree with him/her. I have never understood who gives them that authority or the responsibility to decide anything for anyone. So this ‘the leader type’ will decide on all plans, everybody will ask him/her for most permissions, everybody will decide once this leader has decided and all plans get dropped if the leader isn’t part of it. Strange flock of sheep they must be! Contrary to this are the weaklings. They are ‘the Pappu types’ that will submit to everything. They are like the runner boys of the group and get bullied always. They will run around to do all your work and will basically have no opinion of their own unless required. They are the ones who will say ‘OK’ to everything. Mindless!

There are ‘the tom-boy types’ who like to have this ‘I don’t’ give a damn’ attitude but are actually sensitive inside. They will use the most profane language, behave like boys and would totally forget they are girls. They can be quiet and embarrassment in public. ‘The pile on types’ is really the most pitiable kind. They do not find themselves any friend and would hang on to any connection they find. They will self invite themselves to your gatherings, they may keep calling you and pestering you even when you do not answer their calls, and they just don’t get the signal and won’t give up either.

The secretive kinds are the worst. They will be a part of your life and yet not disclose anything about their own. They will keep secrets of other people with them and they will not share anything like they have sworn their lives into the priory of scion! Contrary to these are the bitchy types, whose primary aim in life is to pull the world down. They only congregate to bitch and are a slightly malicious category coz they are harmful and may cause severe damage any time coz they may switch loyalties for their benefits. Their close kins are ‘the gossip kinds’. These are harmless because they will never damage any repute. Their role is of a new carriage or a journo on job 24x7. They will have scoop from the remotest part of the world and will share as soon as you say ‘don’t tell anyone’. We may have all had the enterprising type friend in our life who we know will arrange for everything! You have a party, you need a car, you need to pick up your iron you gave for repairing, you need to pay your bills, you need someone to pick up your folks…anything….! This one friend is always there… we’d for better understanding sake call them ‘Jugaadu’.

The story teller type will have endless stories about everything to tell. This is one friend who has experienced everything in life or so it seems. He will narrate personal life experience on every context possible and you’d feel how the hell this fellow has a story to tell always!? The know-all type friend is really and clearly the most learned and educated in the group. You’d find him evading parties and get together’s only because he has to study! He has no regret of having not had a good time as his best friend would be the book at that time. The zen types are those that are stress free always. They are the happy fun balls and will never sweat in any situation what so ever.

The more endearing are your 4am friend types, whom you can call anytime and you know they will attend to you. You can go to their houses without making a phone call. You can trouble them for anything you want and they won’t say a word. The agony aunt types are related to these but different in a way that you may only contact these friends when you have a serious advice to seek or a grave problem to solve. These may also be available for you anytime but you may not indulge into frivolous conversation with these.

We all have a joker in a friend. The entertainer type who will make you laugh always. He is like the life of a group without who going out won’t be half as fun. These are those that are always welcome. There are also the hang out friends’ whom you’d meet only to hang out with without much purpose in life… they don’t mind being one of those in your list and are cool with meeting up on a free day. There are some who you are forced to be friends with coz they think you are their best friends! So you automatically have to be nice and courteous with these ‘you’re my best friend types’. They aren’t exactly pile on’s but they make you feel obligated for being a best friend.

The newest form is the facebook types. These you meet randomly online and know only as much as facebook tells you about them. You may have exchanged a few mails about each others’ lives and that is it! They become fancy names on your friend list.

These are as many as I could think of while writing this piece. It only made me think how many friends I got and how many different kinds! Just the idea that I have so many friends excites me! I fit into ‘the sarcastic kinds’ who loves to take each others’ case. So, what friend are you?^TM ( Facebook do not copy this idea for another of your trashy quizzes for us to take!)

Cleaning out my closet

Have you ever been hated or discriminated against, I have, i've been protested and demonstrated
against, picket signs for my wicked rhymes, look at the times, sick is the mind of the
motherfuckin' kid that's behind, all this commotion, emotions run deep as ocean's explodin',
tempers flaring from parents, just blow 'em off and keep goin', not takin' nothin' from no one,
give 'em hell long as i'm breathin', keep kickin' ass in the mornin', an' takin' names in the
evening, leave 'em with a taste as sour as vinegar in they mouth, see they can trigger me but
they'll never figure me out, look at me now, I bet ya' probably sick of me now, ain't you mama,
i'ma make you look so ridiculous now...

[CHORUS]

I'm sorry mama, I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to make you cry, but tonight i'm
cleanin' out my closet, {one more time}, I said i'm sorry mama, I never meant to hurt you, I
never meant to make you cry, but tonight i'm cleanin' out my closet...

I got some skeletons in my closet and I don't know if no one knows it, so before they thrown me
inside my coffin and close it, i'ma expose it, i'll take you back to '73, before I ever had a
multi-platinum sellin' Cd, I was a baby, maybe I was just a couple of months, my faggot father
must have had his pantie's up in a bunch, cause he split, I wonder if he even kissed me goodbye,
no I don't on second thought, I just fuckin' wished he would die, I look at Hailie and I
couldn't picture leavin' her side, even if I hated Kim, I grit my teeth and I'd try, to make it
work with her at least for Hailie's sake, I maybe made some mistakes but i'm only human, but i'm
man enough to face them today, what I did was stupid, no doubt it was dumb, but the smartest
shit I did was take them bullets out of that gun, cause id'a killed 'em, shit I would have shot
Kim and him both, it's my life, i'd like to welcome y'all to the Eminem show...

[CHORUS]

Now I would never diss my own mama just to get recognition, take a second to listen who you
think this record is dissin', but put yourself in my position, just try to envision witnessin'
your Mama poppin' prescription pills in the kitchen, bitchin' that someone's always goin'
through her purse and shits missin', going through public housing systems, victim of
Munchausen's syndrome, my whole life I was made to believe I was sick when I wasn't 'til I grew
up, now I blew up, it makes you sick to ya' stomach, doesn't it, wasn't it the reason you made
that Cd for me, ma, so you could try to justify the way you treated me, ma, but guess what, your
gettin' older now and it's cold when your lonely, and Nathan's growing up so quick, he's gonna
know that your phoney, and Hailie's getting so big now, you should see her, she's beautiful, but
you'll never see her, she won't even be at your funeral, see what hurts me the most is you won't
admit you was wrong, bitch, do your song, keep tellin' yourself that you was a mom, but how dare
you try to take what you didn't help me to get, you selfish bitch, I hope you fuckin' burn in
hell for this shit, remember when Ronnie died and you said you wished it was me, well guess
what, I am dead, dead to you as can be...

I know what you did last night, the day before, just now, 5 secs ago...

...I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.

....is not planning to write anything here as everyone's status is better than mine... Grrrr!!!

...My state of mind - Madhya pradesh today :D

....food food food

...Monday Morning .. did meetings ... they still all sound GREEK !!!

...misses the days of 'Colonel Fazackerley, butterworth toast...'

...is happy to see her friend happy again!

...has been baking all day long and her house smells great! Perfect day for a cute apron!


This is how some of my friends are feeling. How do i know? Well i have a window into their minds. Well actually they have opened it for me and to all the other 200-300 odds on their list. Every morning without a telephone call, without any dialogue, without probing, without asking for and without fail i get to know what my friends are feeling today. Some are facing the blues, some heart aches, some boss troubles and some lazy. I know exactly what they are upto. I know when my friends are seeing someone the minute they update their status to 'in a relationship'. I know when they have changed jobs when their 'presently working' reflects something new. I know when they are not in a good mood when their status reflects so. I know where they hang out where they party or where they had been last when i see their photos!

My friends be in any part of the world i be connected always. Its a fascinating world this...social networking! I don't know what half the world, out of touch with their friends, would have done without Facebook.

The social aspect is pretty much publicized and known. What fascinates me is how it opens a window in to each others' lives. Like ....food food food - means this friend is hungry and its way past lunch time.

...Monday Morning .. did meetings ... they still all sound GREEK !!! - means this friend has attended a boring meet and has slept through it.

....A pretty transparent umbrella made my day! Im so loving it that I may not use it when it rains... and when it shines either :) - means the friend is gearing for a romantic rainy season!

...i wish i was - means this friend is unhappy with something about her life.

... is rediscovering life in pinks and reds !! means this friend is getting married soon!!!


Those fun quizzes are most fun. Although i do not take them but i read other peoples results and the proximity to actuality of it. My friend took a 'What is romance meter' and she scored a whopping 93%. Since i know her i know that it is actually true! This other friend took a 'what kinda bitch are you quiz' and she was rated a 'psycho bitch' LOL, which i feel is true!

So much to discover, so much to say so much to share. You keep an eye on every move of your friends legally! You are allowed to make comments and sneak into their lives with full authority. I love this word of written words and scribbled emotions.

Identity Crisis

I was watching this feature on NDTV the other day about people talking loudly on the phone, people wanting VVIP things like a premium phone numbers and special car numbers and the associated it with such people suffering from an ‘identity crisis’.

It’s more of ‘Attention Deficit Disorder’ (ADD) situation than an ‘Identity Crisis’ case. Such people have a serious problem. They want to be the centre of attraction everywhere. They want to be talked about and want to be ‘loved’ at any cost. Children often show such symptoms by crying loudly, doing abnormal things and behaving badly in public. Adults have different ways. They talk loudly and namesdrop just to grab attention. They demand premium numbers or would want special attention. They would perhaps create a ruckus for small issues manageable with conversation.

Classic example here is a friend of mine who, every time we meet will only talk about himself. What’s new in his life, what’s he interested in, what he likes, what he dislikes and so on a so forth… he doesn’t care if the other person is interested in his trash or not but he is like a motored toy, one key and he won’t stop till the battery is totally discharged. He can divert any conversation from any topic to himself. And if fortunately some day anybody else gets lucky to be talked about some day, he would do silly things to grab all the attention. He would play silly pranks; do funny things or just barge into the conversation to make his place! Serious problem! He has had done several foolish things to make his importance felt at totally irrelevant times. This other chick I know had her unique way of crying, falling sick and being over friendly with the opposite gender. She would dress up funnily and often wear things that never suited her. Her over the top behavior would surprise me. She is a smart girl otherwise, so what occurred to her when she did such foolish things? This friend of mine and this chick are both smart yet their behavior at times is totally unreasonable and embarrassing.

Identity crisis according to the guy who coined this term is when an individual loses a sense of personal sameness and historical continuity. Simply putting, is when you do not know who you are really or you are caught in the trap of something not you. One of my friends, I have diagnosed has a severe identity crisis. She would ape everything that anybody else would do, blindly. If she saw something on somebody, she would get the same dress. If she was in a group, she would go with what the majority said. She really had no choice, personality or intellect of her own. This other friend who is a guy would also try and be like most others. Individually, he was different in person and in a group he would just change and like how! He is a simple person basically, but because many around him aren’t that simple, he is deliberately complicating his life by choosing to live a life that’s not his. He has become brand conscious, he talks about heavy metal, he tries to talk about F1, he talks about his filmy connections and that annoys me.

Facebook and other social networks have become a playground or stage for such physiologically challenged people. Profiles with celebrity pics, picture albums clicked with celebrities, faking profiles, chat friends, online dating, projecting to be something else that you are not is like a refuge from something that you don’t want people to see. Online, you can pretend to be something that you always wanted to be with a consolation that no one will ever see you (unless you choose to reveal). Virtual world transforms in to your actual reality and the chasm between reality and virtual reality diminishes. I had been on second life for some time. I must confess I loved it. I loved the idea of having to be somebody else, taking an avatar of my choice, going to places I’d love to see, doing things I’d probably not have imagined. It was fun for a while and totally surreal, till I realized I was getting ‘teleported’ literally! I refrained and uninstalled it from my system. I get these urges even today to once log into second life and experience it all over again, but fortunately I have forgotten my password.

I think both the cases, ADD and Identity crisis, often crop out of complexes that are beyond repair. These may be superiority or inferiority complexes. However hard it may be to feel comfortable in your skin and be happy with what you are, we often end up being somebody else. Diminutive amounts of self obsession and complexes are fine as long as they help us improve ourselves. We are all somewhere unhappy with ourselves or how and who we are, but we have no choice but to live with it and make that an asset.

People who can diagnose and overcome their weaknesses will always get both attention and an identity of their own. But for those louts who will always suck upto other people and choose to be parasites will remains parasites for life and produce clones in the most legal way!

Lonely again

In the window she sits with her feet held close to her chest, holding them in her arms. The silence in the room is echoing in her head and is driving her crazy. She could hear the calm breeze blowing in her ears. Her hair falling limp on her face. Her eyes constantly gazing at eternity from the grills of the window. Her hair bothering her but she is undeterred. A warm drop of tear rolls down from her right eye ceases on its way down. She winces and wheezes. The sound breaks the silence as though the breeze suddenly stopped where it was and the hair fell limp again wherever they could place themselves on her face. Another drop of tear cascades from her left eye followed by a tear from the right. She scrambles herself quickly as her arms lose the grip of her feet that slide away inadvertently. She bit her lips as her heart squirmed and she lays her head on the feet and burst out crying. She lifts her face, that had turned red and her eyes had become sore upon crying, her dress had soaked up all the tears she shed and left a wet blob mark behind. The pace of her tears had slowed and she continued to caterwaul. Her hair were soaked in the tears she shed and they stuck around her cheek and lips stopping and diverting the tears. She tucked a bunch behind her ears and wiped her watering nose with the back of her hand. Suddenly the breeze echoed again in her ears and she realised she was lonely again.

If you were my woman...

Listen Mototo, you better treat this lady like a queen. Because you my friend, you found yourself the perfect woman.
If I was ever so lucky to find the perfect woman, I’d give her flowers everyday and not just any flower. Ok!
Her favorites are orchids, White.
And breakfast in bed. Six loaves of wheat toast, butter on both sides. No crust, the way she likes it.
I’d be her shoulder to cry on and her best friend and I’d spend every day trying to think of how to maker her laugh. She has the most amazing laugh. That’s what I’d do, if I were you.

- Melman, Madagascar II - Escape to Africa

If you were him, what would you do for you love?

It's Only Words...

Words don’t fascinate me. Floral ornamented lines don’t sweep me. Strangely some lines have stuck in my head like glue and haunt me every now and then. Some words become synonymous with people and some words come together beautifully to construct a line. These lines even sans music sound like music to the ears. These lines go so deep down in the heart that they refuse to leave. These lines become your emotions. You cry when they make you cry you laugh when they want you to… Lines that you instantly recognize with when they come any close to what you feel at that moment. So I find it funny when so often we get hooked to sad songs after a heart break! Or often find the most romantic love song when we are in love.

I am not a genre person. I love music. Any music. Music that music to me at that time. If I like rock today, not necessary that I will like it tomorrow. My song choices are fluid. I hated Glen Medeiros ‘ Nothings gonna change shit’ as I grew up, will always hate it. Too candy floss for me… hollow lyrics… he doesn’t mean what he says obviously. Nobody loves forever. So these lyrics don’t hold any ground for me. I hated “last Christmas’ gooeeeeeyyyyyy! Yuck! Made me diabetic it was so sweet!

Not to deviate from my basic intention of writing today – Song lyrics that swept me off the floor.

1. Main Zindagi Ka Sath Nibhata Chala Gaya – this song never fails to amuse me. Just so aptly describes how life should be taken easy!

2. Love to see you cry – I love the video on the whole. I never get bored of this song. The line particularly that kills me is : you don’t know how much it hurts when you fall asleep in my arms.

3. Tere Bina Jiya Jaaye Na – all who know me well know I looooooooooove this song. Something about it… particularly the line ‘Jab bhi khayalon mein tu aaye, mere badan se khushboo aaye’ is so subtly suggestive! Gulzar is a genius, I bow to his genius.

4. Din pyar ke aayenge – this song os from Sawerewali Gadi. Poonam Dhillon flirtatiously and blithe fully running behind a train. This song is just HAPPY under my scanner. No frilly lyrics, just simply happy.

5. Insatiable – Darren Hayes has perhaps redeemed his foolish candy floss career with this one song. Sensuous, sultry and sexy this song is experienced best with lights off in a dark room on loudspeakers. ‘ I fall asleep inside of you, there are no words there's only truth’.

6. Eminem – I cannot pick one song of this man who writes what I feel in my heart. I so totally relate to all his song no matter what my mood is. No sham, pure attitude is what makes me love him and his music. I love cleaning out my closet and Stan, but all his songs are amazing. I worship you lord!

but how dare you try to take what you didn't help me to get, you selfish bitch, I hope you fuckin' burn in hell for this shit, remember when Ronnie died and you said you wished it was me, well guess what, I am dead, dead to you as can be...

7. In the end – Linkin Park, the whole song makes sense to me. I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter…

8. Kiss from a rose – Seal - I heard this line ‘You became the light on the dark side of me.’ And I died! The song is mesmerizing… nothing else! My eyes become large and,
   The light that you shine can be seen

9. ABBA – I have been a huge huge Abba fan since childhood… so whatever their songs may be I just loved singing their songs..i still do!

10. Chupke Se – Saathiya.. Gulzar nipping out magic through his pen. Can you better this???

Farvari ki sardiyon ki dhoop mein
Moondi moondi ankhiyon se dekhna
Haath ki aad se
Neemi neemi thand aur aag mein
Haule haule maarwa ke raag mein
Meer ki baat ho

11. Have you ever really loved a woman – Bryan Adams has got this one right! The song makes me melt and how. The lyrics are fluid… they crawl over my skin and clamp onto my head like an octopus grabs it prey. When you see her unborn children in her eyes….Beautiful alliance of words and music.

12. Father Figure – George Michael – Waste of a man! But what a song this is. Sensuality personified. Lyrics and music that can teleport you to a different level all together. All time favorite. So when you remember the one’s who have lied, who said that they cared but left as you cried…

13. Maa – Taare Zameen Par – the one and only song that got tears to my eyes when I heard it. And that happens practically every time I hear it. Bhej na itna duur mujhko tu..yaad bhi tujhko aana paun maa.
    

14. Chhoti Si Kahani Se – Ijaazat – Na Jaane kyu…dil bhar gaya… na jaane kyu… aankh bhar gayi…Gulzar…!!! I have nothing to say here.

15. Tujhse Naraz Nahi – Masoom – Jeene ke liye socha hi nahi.. dard sambhalne honge… muskuraye to…muskurane ke…karz utarne honge…

16. Khabar Nahi – Dostana – the new song… something about it that makes me happy always. Bubblegum song totally but I love it!

17. Aaj phir jeene ki tamanna hai – Guide – the song as legendary as the movie itself. Waheeda Rehman looking stunning and dancing to the song like it was her own story!

18. Bol Na Halke – JBJ – Gulzar! Ghoonghat hi bana lo roshni se noor ke! ….Kitne dino se yeh aasma bhi soya nahi hai…isko sula de!

19. Jaane Kya Baat Hai – Sunny – Amrita Singh singing on TV and Sunny Deol innocently looking… the visuals flash on my mind instantly. Neend nahi aati…badi lambi raat hai!

20. Mitwa – KANK – I love this song for some strange reason. I love the way SRK spreads his arms in this song and sings it… I love everything about it… ‘ teri nigahen, paa gayi rahein..par tu yeh soche jaun na jaun… yeh zindagi jo hai naachti to… kyu bediyon mein hai tere paaon!’

There are obviously a lot more and I will keep adding them time and again…. You can post you favorites… a song…lyrics… situations or just about any reason for liking a song!

The teacher called Life!

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing is by chance or your luck. Every action and reaction is well calculated somewhere in the cosmos and we are only purely executing it unwittingly. There is nothing that can be left to chance. I don’t believe in chance, fate, luck, and destiny or in any other word from this family because it doesn’t exist. It is either your hard work or someone else’s that makes or breaks things in your life.

Ever since I was a child, I would rationalize in my mind why certain things went wrong. And when they did, they mostly were followed by repercussions that taught me something. Every incident, good or bad, has something to teach us. When it’s good it’s easy to decipher. But when it’s a bad incident or offshoot, we often get busy crying and mulling over it rather than knowing what it actually wants to teach us. There is always a solution to every problem. There is always an alternate road to every broken path. Life is the best teacher according to me.

Every experience that we go through in life has such a deep yet subtle sublime lesson. Everything happens for a reason. It’s such a vast topic I don’t know which one point to pick to start. I remember, when I got bad marks or didn’t score as much, my parents would whine and my friends would mock at me, but deep down inside, I believed, this is not my path…studies is not what I want to do. So the dropping result graph kept re-assuring me that I was made for something else. One time, we were given an essay to write in school for our English subject. I don’t know how others wrote, but I wrote with my heart into it. I had never written with so much care and attention. A passage that was 3 pages long…. I was stunned when the whole class clapped for me. And this was just the next day after I got punished for not finishing my homework.

Small little things hint towards big results that we don’t know yet. The most interesting chapter of life is ‘people’. Every soul that comes into our lives has a purpose. We may choose to ignore it but cannot erase it. Even when a deluge of people is around you there may be one, who would have a purpose of being there… A book I read some time back by Mitch Albom ‘ Five people I met in heaven’, brought a smile to my face because the book says exactly what I mean here. We often ignore the people whom we come across in life. Either they are irrelevant or inconsequential. But our brain is not foresighted, so it only retains information that it finds is relevant for now. So the people we meet, the action we do are all an offshoot of the way our brain reacts. If you don’t exist for me now, you don’t exist at all! But that’s not true. Someone somewhere will cross our paths again. Haven’t we all come across situations in life where we met somebody for a short while and many years later met again in strange situations?! Don’t we all say ‘The world is a small place’! So isn’t it true that every soul has a purpose.

Everybody I have met has taught me something, good or bad. Whether it is making new friends, letting go of old, meeting complete strangers and reunion with the lost! This one person who taught me how to love yourself, one friend who showed me how beautiful life is. One amazing human I met on the strangest journey’s to Bangalore who taught me how to smile your problems away no matter how big and gory they may be. One friend who taught me to live life king size even when he was broke. He showed me little joys of life that did not need you to be rich with money, but rich at heart. My aunt taught me generosity, my cousin who showed me how to dress well and flaunt! So many friends who taught me what friendship is, even when I was a difficult person to put up with! These are the obvious ones!

But the real lessons you learn from people who are totally obscure. The beggars on the street, I have not seen a single frowning face ever. They may be God’s deprived children, but they don’t even know what they are blessed with. PEACE! No fuss in life coz they are so away from all the stress of it. This one boy I saw in Bandra who apparently lost his left hand in the train blast was working in a hotel serving food! Before that he was working in an MNC in their housekeeping earning well. That’s fighter spirit for you.

I owe a lot to life, for teaching me things that my text books forgot to teach me. I owe it to all the people who have touched my life by existing in it and being a part even if they were in the crowd. The five people I’d like to meet in heaven would be –

- My Mother, I have some questions to ask

- Charu, coz I will need her everywhere

- My friend Atul, for inspiring me, always

- My great grandfather, whose valiance I have only heard about.

- this one man, who I choose not to name, to settle a score up there!

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you learn to appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself...and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Marylyn Monroe

Jhoom Le!

Jhoom Le... saare gham bhool ke... jhoom le...

She doesnt remember the lyrics clearly, but this is what is lingering in her for the past 48 hours. Any specific reason why? Yes.... these are the lyrics of the first ever ad film she shot! No ordinary story my friends... it's genuinely a dream come true. A lebanese telecom giant, comes to India to shoot a bollywood routine with even bigger giants like Farah Khan in the director's seat, Ravi Chandran who makes it all look so good on screen and Omung Kumar the hand behind the fab set... and one new AD among 2 experienced one's...running around the sets trying to make some sense out of the controlled chaos...that's me!

My first ad shoot with with such big names is something i will remember for the rest of my life. I was handling costumes and Ashima who was the chief AD is the most charming and helping AD you'd find around here. Pierre was a darling, he virtually handheld me through the shoot, sweetly telling me how to give claps, how to deal with people, how to always avoid being around a temperamental director and tips that i will remember for life! I was like a total novice! No clue about anything that was happening. Doing what was asked from me. I was totally lost in the madness on the set enjoying every moment. I ran up and down two floors some 20 times, but every drop of sweat that ran down my cheek felt like it was blocking me so the sun won't stop me.... every time my name was called i felt like i existed... everytime i did my job well i felt i achieved something... everytime my feet twinged i knew i had more distance to cover and i have chosen the right path... everytime the wind blew dirt in my hair it meant i would wash it all off and be readier tomorrow! I may have looked like a total tart on day one but i picked up on day two and day three i was proud of myself to have understood a lot and found my ground finally!

Roll camera... action! All this was music to my ears... those blindling lights... that flurry to give the clap on time... getting yelled at and yet being given responsibility... it all felt so good! When the lights went off after pack up...i din't want to leave the set! This is what i want to do so how can it end so soon! But thankfully... i have another experience lined up soon.

I frankly had no idea this was so easy... had i known this before, i would have come much earlier.... but Jalal saab said once ' Bindu ki maa...jab jab jo jo hona hai tab tab so so hota hai'.... i can't control time and surely not my fate! But i am glad to be one of the few handpicked lucky ones to get to work with such big names always on my firsts! Such is life...

Har Jagah Khuda Hai!

SV Road, Lokhandwala, 7 bunglows, Santacruz, Khar, Bandra, Mahim, Dadar, Malabar... हर जगह खुदा है। जहाँ नही खुदा वहाँ हम खोद देंगे। पूरे मुंबई में मानो खोद खोद के भगवान ढूंढ रहे हो।

Just last week i had to replace the suspension of my car and we all know it doesnt come cheap. Whatever may be the cost involved it can be paid up, what about the nuisance and stress that it creates? Who would and how to compensate for that? Although my office is 10 mins away from where i live, every morning i have to do a painstaking 25-30 min drive to work thanks to the metro rail, underground cabling, sewer pipelines and road leveling all happening together. I wonder how so many people and departments wake up all together and dig the whole city up at the same time without thinking of the convenience and safety of the commuters.

On the link road, i remember, this one big machine pulley tilted and fell on a rickshaw killing a man in the auto. It was on plump Andheri - Versova link road. Heaviest traffic for all who travel that patch every day. One bump after the other, ducking vehicles, auto rickshaws and then potholes... i feel no less than a Schumacher when i touch down at office. Its like winning a task, completing a challenge or winning a war... the feeling is transcendent!

The roads magically get dug up and take their own sweet time to reach completion like we have zillion years of life each. Who gives them the permit to dig up roads whenever, where ever and however they want to? Honestly the most amount of inconvenience is caused to us and we go through all the trouble, stress and long grueling drives with the 43* sun above our heads on roads, we should be asked before digging up any road! Go by what majority says if there is no other way of getting permits. Or atleast pls check if any locality or road in about 400 mtrs area is dug up already. Slight planning. We wouldn't mind if there is some method to the madness. One by one, systematically... good lord not all together. Today i discover a chor-gali to escape the main road traffic and tomorrow that is dug up too! Gimme a break ya... don't test our patience. As it is auto rickshaws are enough trouble on road to convert us to formula one champs.

इस देश में वाकई हर जगह खुदा है !

Clown!

Blue, green, purple, yellow, red are the shades of his life. Red is what describes him best, Vibrant! Alive! Lively! His lips are red as red can be. His smile can bring a laugh on any glum face. His antics can put you into splits.

He takes the stage, rather is pushed to take it by the trapeze artist that dragged him on. His pants fall off as soon as he comes on stage. Hurriedly he holds on to one side of the pant and looks around at the laughing crowd. He frowns and the crowd sniggers, he smiles and the crowd bursts out into laughter. The fire eater blows fire from his mouth onto his face. He is jostled away into the pond of water with his head on fire. The audience cracks up. He gets up with a quirky smile on his face as if he is up to another mischief. A trapeze sways him off his feet high up in the air and throws him down on the net. He waggles his hands and legs in the air as he falls on the trampoline and bounces back as high in the air. The trapeze kicks him on his left butt and he gets tossed as he gets kicked on the right and falls down on the trampoline face down. His red lips smudge up to the ear. He gets off the trampoline to be chased out of the stage by a dog. The audiences love him. They laugh and clap for him. His job is done for the day. Today he made 1500 odd faces smile.

He has returned to his room, sitting in front of the mirror. He sees children go by behind him, pointing towards him laughing and throwing popcorn at him. He turns around and makes funny faces at them. They laugh and go by. He turns around removes his cap with blue hair to show his bald skull. He wipes off his red lips to reveal a frown. He washes his make up to expose the sad face. As he looks at the mirror he tries to identify with the person he is looking at. Goes closer to the mirror, touches the reflection and retracts. He is repulsed. Tears wash out the make up on his eyes and blackened droplets roll down his white painted cheeks. He stood up startled. Changed into his tattered pale clothes and walked out.

A pier burning with a body on it. He has finally done the last rights for his mother. He returns home to an empty house. His mother was the only joy in his life. When he would return home after making innumerable faces light up, his mom was the one who made him smile. He sleeps with his naked face and bare head exposed to the world that doesn’t recognize him like this. He has a job again. The same trapeze, the same fire eater, the same pool and the same dog. Audiences change but his face beneath the make up remains the same. The crowd sees his histrionics but miss his tears. They clap on his jokes but overlook the pain. They see the smudged red lips but don’t see the bleeding heart.

Today, he is quiet. The clown has lost his laughter. No joke in the world can make him laugh. Life played a joke on him and he couldn’t laugh at it. The jester!

We swing both ways

Yah! The whole country swings both ways. We are shamelessly spineless and blatantly ignorant about it. We as a country are collective morons. I know this will fuel a lot of negativity and bad vibe for me and I am sure a few nasty comments too.

The fact is, I would like to re-emphasize, I love my country too much to see anybody maligning it. Only that I have a curious mind and I question everything that puzzles me. I genuinely feel that we as a country are two faced. We say something when we do something else. Its unfortunate that an entire nation so progressive is that regressive in its thoughts. No progress can ever happen unless we progress in our thoughts and in turn actions.

We are broad minded is a very ‘cool’ thing to say. So many parents say that they are broad minded and yet when their children do something not so acceptable, they are grounded. I have been thinking about this for long. It started in Indore when our office was raided by the Bajrang Dal protesting against us celebrating V-day. Out of the many protestors defaming us and cursing us for celebrating what they feel is ‘anti-India’ culture, I saw atleast three of them by the evening dating their girls by the evening in a swanky café! How pro culture is that? Such a bunch of sanctimonious goons. All of them actually. They believe in convenient truth, convenient facts and convenient religion. It gets twisted whenever they want. Such a shame!

Innumerable incidents that I can think of off the cuff, Sania Mirza wearing short clothes for tennis was issues a fatwah against and what about the Nigar Khan’s and Mumaith Khan’s who don’t wear anything! Hritik and Ash were subject to a silly PIL for their sizzling kiss on screen when I am sure the person must have enjoyed watching it, rewinding and playing it a zillion times, more than anybody! Many more really…

I very strongly support sex education at school level. Look at our ‘leaders’ who want to build an ideal country, so subconscious creating a monster beneath, the monster of lack of education about the most basic instinct in our race. I don’t understand if you send them to pre-pre-school at a tender age of 2+ where they anyway pick up habits and culture that you don’t want them to, so why hold back education that is so important. Are we fools to blind ourselves to the fact that this generation is far far ahead of us in terms of access to information of any kind. Information that can be misleading or may be even irrelevant. Who has given us the right to hold back information anyway? What do these politicians and so called moral polices have to say about teenage pregnancies, child rapes and sexual molestation in schools? The biggest health threat world over is AIDS and everybody is struggling to curb it at whatever level possible. Drugs being invented, crores being spent on the medicine, massive education and awareness campaigns run across and we are doing nothing to help it. How good would you feel when your children get all the wrong information from somewhere else? How would you feel if they are contracted with AIDS, god forbid! Who are you going to blame? SEX, was given to the world by us. We are boastful of the fact that we have temples devoted to sex and it still attracts tourists by the thousands. Why do we hide in shame what is so part of our culture?

Bangalore – women beaten up by the Sree Ram Sena, a self proclaimed culture police, for going to a pub! They call themselves Ram Sena. When in the name of god did Ram teach anybody to beat women up? Well, actually less should I speak about the Indian god culture also. Our ancient temples and drawings always depicted women’s nude upper half and we talk of clothes that are anti-culture! Such an oxymorn! We worship Lord Shiva, in the form of a shiv-ling. What exactly is a shivling? It’s a male genital progressing out of a female base. A shivling is always found with a yoni. The symbol can be deciphered in many ways. The most common being, Lord Shiva is considered to be the destroyer of life form thus giving way to creation of new. The symbol hence stands for creation of life. It’s the androgynous communion of energies and universe. The epics and Puranas tell how a great fire appeared from the cosmic waters, and from this flame Linga Shiva emerged to claim supremacy and worship over Brahma and Vishnu, when he was castrated because he seduced sages’ wives in the pine forests of Himalayas. He castrated himself because no one could castrate the Supreme Lord. Thus fallen phallus of the Supreme Lord destroyed all the worlds until it reached the Yoni of Uma/Parvati and cooled down. All procreation of worlds started after the worship of Yoni-Linga was restored and all Gods, including Vishnu and Brahma accepted supremacy of Lord Shiva. This may be perverted for some, but yes we actually worship a LINGA, since childhood… little did we know then! Yet we are averse to educating ourselves about Sex.

Another very interesting story I learnt a few days ago. My friend who is extremely fond of food and has a fair amount of knowledge about it shared this with me. The Goddess of food is offered rice and ghee. Lord Shiva had invited her to earth to beg for Rice (bheeksha) which he then distributed throughout the world. The rice was not cleansed unless it was mixed with ghee. Apparently ghee is a representation of Lord Shiva’s sperm. So only when ghee is mizxed with the rice is it pure enough to be given away to the world. Ghee was what he had mixed in the many ingredients that gave birth to Lord Ganesha.

So, are you hiding in shame already? Our race is the proud creator of the world’s most respected literature ‘Kamasutra’. We have the richest culture in the whole of the universe yet we cannot hold our stand? We are ready to kill in the name of religion but are united in useless things, a religion that was never a religion. Hinduism, is a way of life not a religion. We are such a pretentious crowd. We make believe in a delusion and ignore the facts. We make our own rules that change according to our convenience. Our religion is merely a cover up for a lot of our angst inside that we take out in such a disgraceful manner. We hide behind what we should ideally defend. I wish this country was not so cowardly and regressive about its thinking. I wish for a brighter country with really broadminded leaders in every sense.

I have very few good options to choose from the current contestants, so my vote, I am not sure would go for the deserving candidate. Yet I hope that one day, one among us will stand up to clean the dirt in our minds. As for now, I can write, so I have.

PS: I am not an atheist, neither am I anti-religion and certainly not here to hurt any feelings. I am a staunch Hindu and I have worshipped all the aforesaid deities with no less respect and faith. My issue is with the people who twist the facts and run away from it. I have a problem with people who have double standards. Rest can rest in peace.

Do I Believe You???

One bitten twice shy. She swears by it. She has just gotten out of a tumultuous relationship and she is relieved and how! Some 4 odd men she dated in the past have all been losers. Not that she has a thing for such men but I guess subconsciously she likes to parent rotten men. She thought this last guy would be the 'forever one in her life. They had made promises to each other, they had dreamed of a family together, they had planned the future together and today he is walking his way and so is she.

Each one had assured her a secure future and each one of them failed. They were all flunkies right from the beginning. They could never rise up to their own expectations let alone meeting hers. They were all kids in their teens not wanting to grow up. That’s a bit of a problem coz she was growing up everyday and the age gap grew on to become a generation gap! That’s not a happy thought to grow up with. In addition to that, they were the most thankless beings on the face of earth.

She always wanted to believe that they all meant what they said. She always wanted to believe that there are happy endings to every relationship. May be breaking up was a happy ending. Nonetheless, she wanted to believe there were genuinely ‘together forever’ like happy endings like she read in fairy tales or MB’s. Sadly they are all only stories. Had there been anything like an ideal man or the right guy, the world we live would be called Utopia. But the fact is we live in dystopia and we fight beliefs, notions and dreams everyday. We see them shatter ever day and yet dream of an idealistic world, where promises are only sentences and ‘I love you’ is a mere statement.

The girl really wanted someone true to his heart and true to his words. You don’t need a He-man to be the man of your dreams, he could be really anybody regular… but lives by his word. Adultery is so easy for men, so it is for women if they want, but you know when a woman is going wrong. Men are born with a poker face. So when he’s say ‘I love you’ like a zillion times in the day, you’d not know if he really means it or is saying to hide his side business. So how do you believe them? She encountered this several times with a guy who was born with the philandering nerve on his sleeve. He would get talking to every girl almost. She was disturbed. She knew deep inside that he loved her and he said that too, but his ways never gave her that confidence in the relationship. The result – they split.

We often say something to please others when we don’t really mean it. Shallow is the word for such people. It’s not a good trait to have becoz you only end up disappointing a lot of people around you. She was disappointed too. He told her he will take care of her issues from past. That’s like ‘the’ thing any chik would ask for from a man… security. She was so reassured and comforted with this guy who later turned out to be such a chicken that he couldn’t even take care of his own crisis. She became a distant picture then. The fissure was obvious between the two and it drove her away from him eventually. They gave each other cold vibes for many days until they realized that too was a waste and would solve no purpose so they completely cut contact. So how does she believe any man when he says ‘I will take care of your worries?’

She has now chanced upon this charming guy, who is unlike all other. Doesn’t express what he feels, doesn’t make fake promises (doesn’t make any at all), doesn’t lie coz what he says hurts which means he speaks the truth and is brutally honest to the point of being brusque. Nice. She is willing to give it another chance and she is giving it a thought as well. He said ‘I am your man, leave all your worries at the doorstep with me’. What does that mean???? She’s thinking now… it’s another rat trap…do I really believe you?

SMS's sometimes....

Some text fwd's on my fone really tick me off... i hate them... some find a place in my saved list. This is one of the nice messages i got that always stays in my inbox

Life means : A winter evening, four friends, mild rain, four pegs of rum. Life means: 100 bucks for petrol, two rusty old bikes, an open road. Life means: Maggi noodles, a hostel room, 3.25am, sonu nigam and asha bhonsle on the radio. Life means: 1 prep leave, 1 night, 1 book, 8 duffers. Life means: 1 girl/ boy, 1 number, 4 friends and a fight.

Now life means: old friends, separate cities, separate lives and endless messages to stay in touch.

I somehow agree... another in this series

Ek din zindagi aise mukaam par pahuch jayegi
dosti sirf yaadon mein reh jayegi
har cup chai yaad doston ki dilayegi
aur haste haste fir aankhein nam ho jayegi

Office ke cabin mein classroom nazar aayegi
par chahne par bhi proxy nahi lag payegi
paise to bahut hoga magar
unhe lutane ki wajah hi kho jayegi

jee le khulke is pal ko mere dost
kyunki zindagi in palon ko
fir se nahi dohrayegi!

:)

You Freak!

You can't be quiet for so long... no no... there is some problem... may be the network is down... or may be something's wrong ... she picks it 5 times in 10 secs to check and re-check and then her face goes pale. Shuts it off and reboots... waits patiently... beats her fingers on the table in anticipation and the phone vibrates for an incoming message. I can see her glow with joy.

She quickly picks her fone up and leaves the meeting. In 10 mins she is back. Keeps the phone on her lap and keeps fiddling with it. Shes a freak!

But so are most of us. We may forget to carry our wallets but will never forget to carry the mobile phone. When we loose one, the whole house comes crashing down. Work stops and everything important ceases to exist. Where ever you go you'd only see people pressing buttons and necks bent. Such is the addiction.

The world is addicted to it. Everywhere, at the bus stop, in the train... in the auto... while driving the car at the signals... in a party... in the loo and in your bedroom while you are at it, absolutely anywhere! Cell phones have invaded our lives and how yet not to forgo the fact that it has invaded our privacy ...!!! At the cost of sounding cliched and preachy 'how can we be addicted to a piece of shit like that?'

I read that an estimated 40% adults the world over use their cell phones for more than 4 hours be it talking, msging or just playing with their phones. Some actually get deeply upset and offended if they do not get a msg or call for a long time. Its a psychological disorder dude! Its addiction of a dangerous kind. I hate talking on phone. I attribute this to the late arrival of any kind of phone in our house. I had my first telephone connection at home when i was in class 12th. I had to go to the PCO to make any kinda call before that. So i am happiest when the phone is not around. Actually life is so peaceful without the phone. Atleast i feel so.

I feel my privacy is invaded the moment my phone rings because the person calling doesnt even have the faintest idea what i may be doing... he would ring up because he felt so! I may be in a meeting.. driving... in the loo.. sleeping anything! What was life without mobile phones earlier? Was the care and concern towards near and dear ones any lesser? Was any work so unimportant then that the person neednt be contacted? I agree to all the shallow shit that its a gadget of convenience and all that crap... but no gadget is convenient if i cannot control the input and output of it. It will never be convenient to me. I am obligated to keep this gadget and now since i have it, i have to keep it switched ON all the time. Work demands fones to be on silent and that's the best time of my day when i cannot hear and fone ringing. In some time you get use to your fones not being around.

I am pissed with this freak invention of some buffoon whose miserable prank of ruining private lives turned into the biggest invention of the century. This invention meant for another sort of communication creeped into ou lives to worsen it only. I choose not to surrender to this device... i choose not to be a slave of this technology. I rather sleep in peace and not wake up in the middle of night with some arbitrary msg tone and stupid creep calling me in the middle of the night. I choose not to be a mobile freak!

I will soon shut my mobile off! Forever! Lemme see how it affects my life or may be not! I rest my case!

The work's of a restless mind

and they lived happily ever after...

Ya that's a Cinderella ending anybody would wish for. All's well that ends well... but what if it doesnt end? Its vicious sometime... don't you feel like the hamster in the treadmill who keeps running endlessly without realising his run will never end, unless he decides to jump out. And sometimes thats the solution. Sometimes when the world is round you have to find another shape to fit yourself in.

This cycle of thots is endless. I cannot divert my mind elsewhere today and this has been like it for many days now. Just constant thots about everything and anything its almost garbage. This can't be called 'thinking' because that is voluntary but with me its an automated process. The moment i wake up my mind picks up at 440kmph in a second and it only stops when i sleep. I dont remember my dreams thats because my mind or the sub-conscious has no one thot to weave a dream about!

Like i said i rarely get headaches and thats only when i am supremely stressed, i can't sit down to begin de-stressing myself bcoz my mind begins to wander. In a psychologists term i am going mad.

Not everything has a happy ending... somethings just end.. without a thot or emotion. Thats when too many emotions go into it and suddenly it becomes too overbearing. The hurt, the pain, the tears, the joy, the smile and simple things attached are no longer special. I actually believe (still) that everything has a happy ending... if its not happy its not the end... but may be somethings dont end either. They just dissolve. Meaninglessly... somethings never end....

Nevertheless, these fleeting thots i know can be put to rest only when i want to, i want to put an end to it but i can't catch hold of a single thot, the thots just keep going on and dont stop... but i know only i can stop my thots but....