Trading Spaces

You can never imagine how it is to be in my shoes right now. And i genuinely pray to god that nobody ever be in the shoes i am right. I am practically homeless, aimless and listless!

I am deprived of the very basic necessity in life not knowing where my morning will be. I wake up every morning, rub my eyes and realise i am in somebody else's house. I have no choice. The past 2 months i have been living out of my suitcase shifting from apartment to apartment one friend to the other. Have never been so disoriented ever before and wish this doesnt last long.

The misery of my life, infact for most of us living in Mumbai is finding a good flat to live in. When you have money you don't get the right house... when you find the right house... you never have the money. I have faced both situations simultaneously.

I had finalised a superb 2bhk near Bhavans college Andheri but the deposit is so high that it will take me 6months to arrange for that much money... no wonder the rent was as low as 18k. Moron! Really i am totally disoriented and unable to even 'think' of anything else. The only thing i see is possible to-let flats all around... i have breakfast somewhere... lunch somewhere else... dinner somewhere else.... its aweful.... its like i am a nomad! i like to be with myself in my room watching tv sipping chai... when i return home. My mornings begin on zero gear...gradually picking up after a few mugs of tea.... but when i am at x y z's house i have to match my life cycle with theirs mostly giving up mine for theirs. I cannot think...i cannot write but its not a excuse i should give to escape work. I don't like it. So basically my entire life is Topsy turvey.

I just want my own house... a space to call my own... so that i can gather my peace of mind.

They Too Live In A Monster Called Mumbai

Sc1.
The clouds came thundering down suddenly... she came out and hastily gathered the clothes that were drying in the bright sun just a few moments ago. She ushered her kids under cover and placed a lid on the utensil that was simmering her lunch. She sat inside looking at the rain mercilessly wash away the only food she had for her 3 children and the fire died down as it rained heavily. Her tears were invisible in the drops of rain that spalshed upon her face. Her kids oblivious to the pathos.

Sc2.
His brother held him by his left arm and dragged him across the street as the traffic light turned green and vehicles waiting to go speeded past the two of them. He gently maneuvered him in the rush of honking metal bulls and took him to the divider. The brother turned around to abuse the few who almost ran over them... as the other mentally retarded one stood on the signal smiling and saluting anyone passing by. As the light turned red again... the unstable one strayed on his own to a car as a hand flung out and waved a Rs 10 note. The unstable one was suddenly dragged behind by his brother who rushed and practically snatched the note from the hand that held it and turned around to see his abnormal brother fallen on the divider.

Sc3.
Chaotic traffic at Lokhandwala circle and around. Phyan arriving and offices shutting down at 2pm. Everybody in a hurry to reach home before the others. Many choose to lock themselves up in their respective offices as a better option than to travel the distance. In this mad rush, a meek bicycle swivels its ways from the corner of the road. 10-odd food parcels hanging from the handle of his cycle... unstoppable down pour preceeding phyan... the bicycle man cutting through mad rush of vehicles... a car honks loudly from behind and scares him. He loses balance and leans on a pole... the car speeds past and splashes water over him. Nothing that he can do... but stand and curse his fate. You are in a hurry to reach home from work... he is at work in a hurry to provide you with food against all adversities... even then.. he is shoo-ed away.

Sc4.
Pitch dark in the night... not a soul around... apart from this one... in the darkness of the night... from far away shone something blingy... glittery... like stars on the ground... as i came closer to the shiny thing... i discovered a human behind those blingy clothes... some really distasteful sense of dressing i must say... turqouise blue top with silver work and yellow short skirt... my eyes and mind both boggled at the spectacle. A motorcycle standing next to the soul negotiating ... 'kholi meri... half... chal itna to madhuri bhi nahi leti...' and i thought to myself... 'tomorrow morning i won't recognise her when she goes back to her normal office life...'

I still find it difficult to fathom this life... but yes...they too live in Mumbai.

Prioritize!

I sleep with dreams in my eyes
And as the night turns them into rheum
I wake up and wash it off next morning
Like I woke from a bundle of lies.

We all grow up with dreams and ambitions of becoming something. We nurture these fragile dreams till they come close to reality and then we all love to see them blossom. As a child when I grew up, I had no clue of any such thing. I was a free spirited soul that cared less about future and thought only about living for the moment. For me dreams were pictures that I saw with my eyes shut and forgot when I got up. My life was playing in the dirt, inventing new ways of entertaining myself and my people, only doing what made me happy. Then suddenly studies took over. Grades became priority because I scored well and then expectations from my own self rose high. My play time was engulfed by study time and I showed less of myself to my friends. Till I realized it wasn’t making me happy.

I set my priority right. Sports was what I loved doing even if my studies suffered, I did not want to be jack of all trades and a master of none. I enrolled myself in volleyball and basketball. I excelled because I enjoyed it. I played zonals and then again studies took over as my 12th boards stepped in the middle.

By the time I reached high school, my priority from fun shifted to sports. I knew I will never do anything run of the mill when I grow up. I was mad and even people expected me to either get into modeling or something similar. My choice was fashion designing. Till the time I passed my second boards, I had made up my mind to not join college and enroll with some fashion institute and learn designing. But one fine morning my priority had changed from fashion to nothing. I got up and the last day of college admission, I decided I will attend college and I did. I wanted to do a regular pass course for the sake of a degree, but my grades did not allow me to enter the college of my choice so I chose to join a girls college for primarily two reasons A) the course they offered was different and I like different, B) only that college had seats left for late risers like me. So I was studying advertising suddenly from no where. Now while I studied advertising, I was thinking of future. My priority was to outshine my classmates as I was discovering a part of me that I had never known. I was creative! And others discovered it for me. I loved every bit of being creative. I became so enthused by the ideas that boggled my mind that now I had a new direction in my life. I knew exactly where I wanted to be! I conducted ad contests in my batch and I was the 1st one to do so. I ran around to get people to lecture us on advertising. Two years of studying advertising I won the competitions however small they were I topped a bunch of 30 odd aspirants. I was the coolest human in their batch and I did not know it. my advertising teacher told me I had a bright future. I knew my priority had changed totally in life and winning had become a habit.

Took my habit seriously and found myself a job in an ad agency during the last yr of my college. I took up writing and that writing got me a job as a copywriter with a radio channel. I was moving out of my teens then and growing older…. Priority now was going up the ladder. My work however shady, shown and I rose up the hierarchy to lead my team. I grew and grew and suddenly being happy, playing sports, creative satisfaction all became distant visuals. I was chasing power. It is a high that one cannot describe. I was leading… and I wanted to go higher up, and so I was…. Money took over. I was earning… each year my bank reflected more and more money… I moved cities till I came to Mumbai and earned more!

All the previous priorities vanished from my memory. I was only chasing money till I got the setback of my life. I was loosing myself… anything I earned was not enough and it pinched me so hard that I secluded myself for introspection. Nothing much has changed since… only that I am not obsessed with power and money anymore. I have learned to satiate myself with whatever I have now. My priority is still earning money because I realize today that money may not mean anything by itself, but when it converts into something that could bring a smile to my family’s face, it becomes priceless. I am only striving hard enough to earn that much money now.

But when I look back from playing in the mud to where I am today, my priorities have changed so much! All of us begin with small dreams and priorities that we set for ourselves at every stage in our lives. Small things like today you may want a pink dress, but tomorrow the need could be green. Today your priority could be your husband… later your child… today you may be saving to buy a house…tomorrow for you child’s education. Whatever you priority is, it should never hinder the way of happiness. Wow I feel like guruji! But am sharing what I feel today. I have just come back after seeing a couple of houses. That’s my current priority… look for a house in my budget… all my focus, kanjoosi is just to get a good house. I hope I could strike this off my list asap. I do not want to wake up tomorrow morning and wash off the dream of a happy life, off my eyes.

Face one Face two

Koi eib nahi dhoondhe se milta tum mein

Kya itna andha hota hai yeh pyar

Chaahein saari duniya ki kamiyan ho tum mein

Tum jaise ho waise hi ho mujhe sweekar

All of us have two faces. I refuse accept that we can remain the same everywhere. Total shit! We are something else with our family and someone else with friends and others. We do not choose to be different with different people, its totally human. I guess we are genetically programmed that way.

I have always felt about people who we bitch about incessantly, that their families are usually unaware about their behavior outside. However sick and sly they may be outside, they are still the best for their family. Like for example this girl in our circle was the biggest rumor monger I may have come across in my life. She wouldn’t even need fire to raise smoke. Linking up people, spreading non-sense was like breathing to her. She was that every single bad adjective that we do not want to be. No single person I knew liked her… I wondered if her family knew how she was. Her sister loves her to death… that’s ok. But she refuses to accept that she would be so devious. Something that was so obvious to all was unacceptable to her. Her sister overlooks her bitchyness.

People who are perpetually scheming and plotting, is this aspect of their personality known to their kins? I think that people talk things behind my back about me. Good or bad… doesn’t matter. But to my dad and my sister I am the best. Same applies to me. To me my sister is an angel. I do not know what people in her office think about her… if she is authoritative or submissive… or how she is with her friends. I was stunned to know that my calm little sister is dominating with her fiancé. I look calm, behave aggressive but in actuality am the most passive person I know! Haha. To me there is no better example than myself… if I get yelled at for not doing something at work… my family wouldn’t know of my weakness. To me I am the most perfect person, so I possibly cannot commit a mistake. Even if I tell them the whole story they would only hold the other person responsible and empathize with me.

But come to think of it… the person closest to you… your siblings, your beaus’, your best friends… they don’t you entirely. They are going to be something else the moment they step outside the house…

It’s a thought that engages me often, our family loves us unconditionally… no matter how we are. They will never find faults in you... they will never ever say you are wrong or you are bad...they do not know that part of you...So who knows you fully?

Bigg Boss ka aadesh hai...

‘Bigg Boss ka adesh hai ki KRK confession room mein aaye’. Sudden panic the voice echoes in the house. Anticipation and anxiety grips the housemates as their fellow mate walks in to the confession room. Inside, the inundated KRK obeys the voice of Bigg Boss whose voice has no face but remains as intimidating as any other with one. Bigg Boss asks him to gather his calm and narrate his side of the story. KRK swallows his anger and narrates like an acquiescent child. His eyes full of tears ready to roll down any moment. His voice trembling as he spoke. His mind running to conclusions he dreads. His heart pounding in anticipation and exits at the command of the voice.


I was amazed how the inmates react when a mere voice commands their being. They have not seen the face, they have not felt the soul yet the fear, the respect and the authority that the voice commands is like it were the voice of God. It's funny how every one reacts when Bigg Boss speaks in to the microphone. His voice has an identity of its own. Perhaps no face so far has managed to command authority apart from Amitabh Bachchan's.

When the voice was first heard on TV, people had placed their guesses for it to be the Bachchan's, eventually turned out to be an anticlimax when he came to host season 3. I, like many other's have pictured the personality behind this voice. We do not know who the voice is but my guess is this Bigg Boss must be a young 30-ish man. Average built and an attitude to match the voice. When he speaks he must be sitting on a massive royalty like chair to get that authority. He must look like ummmm.... Saif from Tasshan.... minus the voice ;-)

Am a radio person so voices intrigue me... i begin to build personalities around voices.... and trust me they sure have a personality of their own. I wouldn't be surprised if my description of Bigg Boss is a complete contradiction to the real. I have seen people walking into my station and meeting my jocks and being pleasantly surprised at how their picture of the face behind the voice is so drastically different. I wouldn't want to put a face to the voice, i am happy to see how only a voice can shake the existence of 13 people. 'Bigg Boss ka adesh hai ke iss baare mein koi baat na kii jaaye'.

Mircale Called 'Love'

She waved her hand up and down and swayed it from side to side making gestures we know not of. She was talking to the wall I thought till I saw a hand gradually creeping out of the window and returning those gestures. The woman outside waved her hands up and down in a sign language only the hand behind the wall understood. In a moment, a dart came out and spat a ball of paper on the road. She ran across the street to collect her husband’s handwritten note. It was more precious than any amount of wealth for her that time. More valuable than her life may be.

My throat clogged and my heart wept for her as I watched this miracle of love unfold in front of my eyes on television. Nat Geo had this feature a few days ago and I am still not over it. My heart bled for the woman who knew her husband will perhaps never come out yet she lived with a hope. Some strange force kept her going and taught her how to survive. This strange force called love.

She and more people like her visit this jail each day to communicate in sign language with their loved one’s who are jailed for life. They do not know how or chose not to move on in life because they derive the strength they require from love. So strong is this bond that even when the mind knows that we would never see the person again, the heart pulls you to get that one tiny glimpse of them even if it means just the hand. This necessity made them invent a new sign language that only the two understand. Many have found new partners yet come back to say a hello without fail to their true love. All this for something caused by chemical reactions in our body!!?

Chemical reactions fade away in sometime. There is something called immunity that a body will build with repeated exposure to the same action. Hence, this love catalyzed by chemicals in the body will fizzle out in some time. How do you explain why thousand bubbles burst inside your stomach and a rush like no other that knocks you out every time you are in the presence of the person you love, as a mere chemical reaction? Love cannot be chemical, it is something else. It's a miracle!

It is spectacular what all people do in love. Small little things! Am not talking about the big tangible things here. This certainly is beyond my comprehension. This level of chemical reaction is yet to hit me. Not too many experience this, life changing compound of emotions or may be we don’t allow ourselves to experience it. The reasons may be several – lack of time, lack of interest, too many choices blah blah… but for those who do experience this gush of emotions and oodles of reactions go down in history books of love!

I am moved by this documentary that shows how love can really make our world go round. We are indeed very lucky amongst all life forms to be born as humans to experience this emotion. So strong it is that people could kill for love. Another Nat Geo clip I saw showed a leopard trying to hunt a chimpanzee down which it did and dragged it to the top of a tree where suddenly a baby chimp fell of the belly of its mother. The leopard was zapped for a moment and curiously tossed it over till it figured it was alive and was a young one. Nature was defeated and love took over when the leopard then adopted the young chimp and began taking care of it. I was speechless, is an understatement.

A human without the capacity to love cannot even be an animal. The women outside the jail, this leopard and thousands of such anecdotes open a new chapter in my life every time I close the book and keep it away. I am moved, the way love moves all.

Lost & Found

Mahesh Bhatt texted this friend of mine last nyt ' you are lost only when you are searching for something - Tum Mile'

I was intrigued by this line. How true and aptly put is that?! We all get lost at times in our lives and we often think this state of being lost is because you have reached the end of the road. Lost to us is indecisiveness may be, lost to us is a state of mind and not a pause in the journey. Lost to us is being in astray land.

I saw 'the ugly truth' today and felt this line fit in on more than one occassion in that movie. Our lead guy is lost when when he knocks on Abby's door after what happened in the elevator. He comes searching for love at her door and when he finds the 'ideal' man he is lost... his mouth runs dry of words... his mond goes blank and he just...goes! no relevance may be, just trying to fit in the most recent example here!

I am delightfuly enlightened by this new perspective today. Thought i'd share it :-)

Sleep Deprived

Very clearly, i am sleep deprived. I havent slept for the last 5 nights consecutively. I don't even feel the need to sleep, strangely. Barely 8 hours cumulative of 5 nights. My eyes aren't tired, my body isnt giving up neither has my mind. I am in a state of trance, i assume like how one feels after doing drugs. I counted sheep and all... counted stars... counted the bricks on my wall and i feel like a mathematical genius.. if nothing else, my counting has improved for sure!

After a long time i did what i love doing.. while time, with an agenda actually with my friend. Got myself and evil eye bracelet. Although i do not believe in these superstitions but this one really amazes me. My chaachi pointed out to me that if your evil eye bracelets break so soon it means there is something wrong. Alright i would want to believe it but i got it still coz i also love wearing it.

Sometimes when people wish good for you it happens. Its the magic of prayers and words. So if good can happen so can bad. Why take a chance? I strongly feel that we should avoid speaking bad about anybody for that matter. No 'achhe sankskar achhe khayal' shit here but really, it boomerangs. So many times when you speak bad about a person and the person suddenly walks in to the room unexpectedly. Its a signal.

Well as of now i am doting over my evil eye bracelet and not wanting to sleep yet. But i dont wish to sleep at 8.45 am either like i slept today morning. This is by the way my last night's sleep that i got at 8.45 am. I feel mental. Let me try... may be i should read a book... that sure puts me to sleep!

IDEAL, I DEAL

Ideal, would be if i earn more than i can spend. Ideal would be i get married to a rich and handsome boy who loves me to death and treats me like a princess. Ideal would be, that i don't see a day of sorrow in my life and i always be happy. Ideal would be me doing my dream job and ideal would be me sleeping at this ungodly time in the night and punching stupid things on my keyboard. What's ideal? Nothing is... Ideal is such a farce. There is no such thing as 'ideal'.

Everybody wants to live an 'ideal' life. It means, a life that they have thought of, circumstances that their brain has pictured in its head for its own comfort. 'Ideally' it means a big lie that you tell yourself to console your sad upset deprived soul. If its ideal, why doesn't it happen?

So far, anything that i ever thought was 'ideal' in any circumstance would so promptly fail me that it became a joke. Everytime i think of something 'ideal' i automatically know i am being directed to a dream world that does not exist. 'Ideal' is such a dellusion such a sham that preachers have used it as a tool to show you directions to your so called 'ideal' life. Your bosses have used this word to show you your 'ideal' place. Your spouses will time and again remind you how 'ideal' your life is/was/can be. Just the mention of the word 'ideal' and you know in your head that it is all going to be alright! You are such a fool in that case, sorry!

When was the last time this 'ideal' thing happened to you? If it is so ideal then why doesnt it happen in the first place?

Puppy Love

I hear squeeks from a distance and i run towards the sound. I discover a pack of pups all piled on top of each other, eyes barely open yet wide enough to see and recognise the mother. One of the pups was disowned by the mother and she refused to feed it. I stood there watching all of it and suddenly this weakling got kicked out from the pack and it came tumbling down to my feet. I had all the sympathy for this little thing that looked up at me with its tiny little eyes hoping i could help. I gave in to its vulnerability and charm and ran to the closest shop to get some milk. I poured the milk bit by bit on my hand and fed the pup until he was full. His tail was wagging in acknowledgement and joy and i knew i had added a few good karma's to my name. As curiosity took the better of me, i went to check upon it the next day and jammy recognised me. I was thrilled... i got milk from home this day and fed it in a fancy bowl i stole from home. I played with the pup and all his brothers and sisters soon joined in. After a while i saw jammy sitting in one corner and watching all his siblings play with me. I went upto jammy and picked him up high up above my head as far as my hands could stretch and jammy was happy as hell. He had perhaps never seen the world from that high up. He loved it and wanted more, but i had to go. He followed me for a few steps and stood there waiting and hoping i would turn back but i had to go. I came back again next day. Today he was waiting for me or perhaps for the new joy i would bring to his life. I got a ball to play with the puppies and all 7 of them ran over each other, bit each other and snapped each other's tails in the play... jammy again in one corner. I couldnt understand... so i threw the ball at him. He looked at the ball and looked at me and i called out 'Jammy' and he stuck his tongue out instantly. That smile on his face was instantly relaxing. Jammy was happy and we played for another while. Day 4 i was in a tearing hurry as i was late and had no time to look at jammy. I hurried got on to the bus and left. When i turned around i saw jammy at the bus stop crying out... as i moved further away his voice faded. As i moved away i forgot about him totally. Days passed and jammy grew up. We played and the bond grew stronger. One day i got him home and fed him chicked! He had never eaten anything like that before. He was pampered like never before... he was getting the affection he never got from his mother and he was my slave instantly. I went back to leave with the rest of his pack. Well into the night i heard him squeeking again. I opened the door and he was right there. He refused to go. I let him in. But night after night he came to my door and after a point i had to slam the door on his face. He was a stray after all. How could i let a stray, unvaccinated, filthy dog inside my house. I stopped feeding him coz i could possibly not feed him everyday if he kept coming to em only for food. I stopped playing with him bcoz i m no clown. He felt dejected and left alone. He came every day upto me till i boarded the bus and had left. He came every night at my door and cried out for me but i was as cold as i could be. After a few days jammy stopped coming.


I guess he realised there is no value for true self less love in this world. I guess he realised this the harsh way. Sadly he had to go through a heart break to know how it feels to be heartbroken.


We don't value love or pure emotions. If somebody expresses selfless love, we stand to question it. We try and find hidden intentions behind it. We know there has to be some motive behind every emotion displayed. The mind is to think and the heart to love. We should let them perform their respective functions and not let one intrude the other. This pup must have grown up, coz i have in 10 yrs and today i realise how it must have felt to have been treated so badly. I am sure it has forgotten me. I should have let my heart rule me once.

My Cinema - where are you???

Karz Chukana Hai, Anubhav, Ghar Ghar ki Kahani, Jamai Raja, Aakarshan, Commando, Tarzan, Dariya Dil, Akalmand, Khoon bhari Maang, Umar Pachpan ki Dil Bachpan Ka, Jaisi Karni Waisi Bharni, Ameer Aadmi gareeb Aadmi... Ghar ek mandir, Farishtey, Kalyug aur Ramayan... if anybody has seen these movies would value these gems more than modern day ghajini's and dostana's.... Where are you my dear 'ham movies'??? 80's and 90's in my growing up days i have seen the world's trashiest cinema and i say it with utmost pride that i have seen 98% of the movies released during this time. I loved watching all the drama and utter trash that film makers made and we actually had the courage to watch it all. What made these movies really memorable is the melodrama and far from reality characters. The rich girl and poor guy drama, the cruel Mom in law, the sly sister in law who chooses to live with mommy and not the husband, the irritating bachhas of the seedhi saadhi badi bahu, the obidient devarji and the henpecked sasurji who plays nothing but a mute witness to the tyrant sasu's doings.
Yeah the villains who had a takiya qalaam, the side kicks who were always comic and had just one line in the whole movie, the andhi behan and boodhi maa saga, the bimar baap, the hardworking beta who always came first in his BA exam and the entire mohalla would celebrate with him, the munna, the munne ki maa, the gajar ka halwa.... where has it all gone?
The cinema now in being realistic has kinda lost its humour. I am not anti this change.. i love movies irrespective, but this trash was something else. Each and every dialogue was written in a way that it will be remembered for years. When have you last heard in a movie our actors saying ' maa ko chhor de warna...'
'Ek baar jo maine commitment kar di, uske baad to main khud ki bhi nahi sunta'!!!!!!!! Salman... this is what i was waiting for!!!!!!!! This is dhamakedar... i really wish the time from 90's and the cinema and dhinchak music with jhankar beats returns. I remember i owned a cassette of Rangeela with jhankar beats in it and i loved it everytime i played it. I also owned a Tridev cassette with dialogues... i know them all by heart!
I remember having seen this one really shady film Farishtey where sadashiv amrapurkar the villain opens this fancy looking box and pulls out cockroaches and eats them! hahaha imaginative! A film called Tarzan which is embossed in my mind as the most outrageous depiction of mowgli. Kimi katkar the lass meets Hemant birje the monkey boy and *tring* love happens! One scene where i din't know where to look, anywhere but the screen.... when our monkey boy rescues our lass from ze goons and places her on a high rise machaan for safety and suddenly his manhood prompts him to explore our lasses body and the rest is X rated! Nothing to beat this highly creative style of cinema.
Oh this one legandary scene from a Manoj kumar film Clerk where old man ashok kumar has a cardiac and son manoj kumar is chilled as ice! He at his own snail pace takes out a tape and plays on a tape recorder saying this is the cure to my dads heart attack. Our man dying of cardiac suddenly starts marchin in his bed as he is lying down and gets up looking at the numerous NETA posters in his house. First you tell me plis, who puts neta posters in their houses these days... how patriotic he is... and then he marches his cardiac arrest away as if it never existed! Miracle!!!! These happened only in the 80's, then miracles like manoj ji became extinct!

I really can go on and on endlessly but the bottom line is i miss this 'ham' cinema. I miss pure entertainment for the sake of entertainment. No more saas hits the bahu... no more ameer gareeb drama, no more kicking parents out of the house to appropriate the wealth..sigh!

When Life Gives You Lemons

It throws things at you, big sized, small sized, rough, smooth, bitter, more bitter, really sour... and sometimes sweet... ! Most of us don't know what to do with the Lemons that are often thrown at us...

so if life is giving you lemons -

9. open your lemonade stand

8. send it back

7. ask for mangoes, what the heck! have some class.

6. make pickles out of them

5. add to vodka! have a blast!

4. throw back shit!

3. Make lemon tarts from nigella's cook book.

2. say 'wrong delivery', pls knock next door.

1. find someone with another lemon. It takes two for a ball! ;-)

...Zzzzzzz

1.31am: whoof whoof whoof whiiff .... its the sound of the ceiling fan in the absolutely silent night. Every light is off and the bedroom light from flat#207 is penetrating through the darkness trying to light up the sky. In vain... sigh!

The laptop is baking, its been on for the last 3 hours, tideously opening pages and sending msgs to friends. A bottle of water lay there on the bed side waiting to be emptied. A pair of purple osho's thrown aside are on duty, alert! The mobile phone is missing its ring tone. It never lay so dull and listless.

Night! has different facets... one for the ones who sleep and one for the ones who cannot! It has plans for both kinds. Sweet dreams for the former and nightmares for the later. Right now, the sound of the fan is the only sound in the surroundings... its rhytmic almost hypnotic. Staring at it for long can have its own undefined effects on the mind. Sedative or psychic. Depends!

the night... is awake... till i fall asleep...

V.E.T.O

I have just returned from my hometown Indore. After being away from familiar faces and warmth of OUR people i decided to soak myself in some affection, dal baati, garam jalebi and rain and went home for 10days. My friends were perhaps never more excited to see me as they were this time and understandably so coz i am the only one who has ever been part of a film crew from all the people they know closely! I feel proud yes, and i also feel very humbled by the love and affection they showered. Frankly i also loved all the attention i got from my friends this time ;-)

I went to my old office.. (that's where all my friends are still) and Deepta merrily ignored me coz she dint expect me to be there. And also i was roasted 3rd degree for even my family to recognise me. Anyway, she walked past me and dint notice me... and when she did she was overjoyed and surprised. We shouted and screamed and hell broke loose in office. We are both insanely close to 30 now and all this is not usual with 'other people' our age. So we are usually laughed at but who cares! Charu and i still baby talk and our language for 'other people' is a bit far from understandable. We dont care. Our bunch of friends are anywhere between the age of 20 to 25. I know... very young... but that's the latest demographics of this country. We are left wondering where have all the 28-30 year olds gone???

VETO, we refuse to grow up. Every time i meet them i feel i am their age or i haven't grown up yet. We are all alike. I know what will happen when all my friends will meet. I know what would have happened when they recently had a reunion that i unfortunately couldnt attend. Our jokes haven't changed since 1920 and we still laugh at sahu's 1780 crore, danny's funny mails, JD's sad pj's, Pranavs potty jokes, deeptas lack of interest in normal life, charu's desi punches and we all crack up at the mention of each others names! Our jokes have been the same for ages now... i wonder how we still are amused by it.

We are all basically children at heart. We have all refused to grow up and for the world we may look like a mature bunch of achievers but deep down we are all stuck in a time warp that doesn't allow us to age. Its like archies comics... where everybody for the entire life has been 17-22 years old, or may be lesser. We have all crossed the age bar where people look at us as adults. Some of us are married, some have kids as well. But when we are together we are no less than kids!

I dont know if its good or bad to not grow up. I dont know if its odd to not accept your age, coz at heart we are all kids and as they say there is a kid in all of us waiting to get out. I still do things that amaze people around me when that kids comes out suddenly. I break into a dance suddenly may be... i would be obstinate may be at certain occassions... make unreasonable demands... but hey! who cares... we all want to be kids once again for some time atleast in our lives. We all have the same energy and enthusiam as a 20 year old around us would have and which is why perhaps we are friends with them even though we are a whole 2 generations apart!

I do feel a little awkward sometimes when i look around and see there 20 somethings doing things their age demands, saying things they ought to say... i do feel like one old banyan tree amidst all there fresh bunch of roses. I also feel tremendously old when i find myself totally in the company of 20's like i was the only one born in the year i was born, in the whole wide world. So lonely!

We refuse to grow up. We don't even know what growing up is actually. As long as we are happy in each other's company and as long as our zeal for life remains, we decline to grow up.

Impatience: Is not a virtue

@#$* ..... H0NK... BeEp... aaaaaaaaaaarrrghhhhhhh! Nobody has one second to wait. How busy are we? How can we not wait for a split second? We are an impatient country!

We cannot wait in cues... the 15th person in the line has to jump the cue and come first... some annoying illiterate aunty pretending to be highly ignorant of lines and people waiting WILL rightfully jump the cue... traffic signals are a joke in this country... so are traffic police... we will not give the driving test to acquire a license before time... we will reach late to the airport but would make a fuss and jump the line to board your plane in time... we will overtake from all sides possible... right left up and even down to get faster to where we want... we will press the lift button 10 times but the not wait for the lift to come.. and then we will cut the crowd and enter first to stand last in the lift yet get out on the 2nd floor again cutting the crowd... we will refresh our page multiple times but not wait till the net retrieves a broken link. We get fidgety if we are made to wait longer... we yell at each other and we abuse on roads... Patience is certainly not our virtue...

We are an impatient country...!

The People I Met...

It’s the people who make life worth living for. And there are so many of them with such a variety of personalities within them that they can never cease to amuse you. In the past two months I have met a so many people. So similar yet to distinct. In a matter of just few days this acquaintance grew into a bond that will remain for a lifetime. However big or small their stature on the set is, everybody has a role to play. Many of whom are sardonically useless too! Only on a film set will you ever get to know 100 people at once! The gaffers, the spot boys, the junior artists, the coordinators… faces and people who I will always remember…


Sajid: my director. You’d be a fool to be around him and not learn anything. He is cynical, people have perceptions about him, he is in your face and honest to the extent of being rude.. he is Sajid! We have exchanged very few words but passively I have learnt the most from him.

Vik Sir: He is the man behind those incredible shots. He makes them all look so good. And he made it all look really easy as well. He has taken the brunt of my work most yet has been kind enough to not deter me ever. I don’t think a person of his stature would ever spend so much time teaching a new comer like me her job. I was stunned to see him walk up to the DJ console and jive for he is otherwise so serious. Great to have been worked with a maverick like him.

Anshai: my chief AD. He is composed, well most times! He knows a lot, he knows his job well and he is good at it. He has silently stood by me, fought for me and fought with me as well, but at the end we have had a blast together!

Ali: Very diligent, assiduous and super fun. He belongs to a different school of thoughts, but that school surely has some good teachers. He has been patient with me and yet driven me nuts at times when he would call me off work and pose in front of my camera! I have more pics of him in my camera than my own!

Avni: she is young and an atomic bomb of energy. We would all sink deep into our beds after a 12 hour long shoot and this little one would still have the energy to dress up and party all night. She has shopped at all possible places in London when we couldn’t even manage to shop for our dailies. She has learnt London tubes like she would be living there forever and she has eaten at ping pong more than the owner himself would eat there! We have had rough arguments on set yet some fond memories that will never evade from my shoot, I share with her.

Rohini: I thought, a chik Camera Assistant! And she proved me wrong… glad I am. I saw her picking heavy light equipment and moving around camera stands and kino’s and thought this frail young girl has a lot of muscle. She and I shared a common passion for food and that is what got us together. Our pack was beginning to shape up. We have hung out everyday almost. We ate food together on set however bad it was. We shopped together and we loved every bit of it. I found a very good friend in her in no time.

Momo: is more madness. She is on ecstasy all the time. She looks doped out to people or that is what she wants people to perceive of her. The one chik who shared common passion for life apart from Rohini was Momo. Her dance moves that Avni so loves ;-) her eating habits that Rohini so hates ;-) her piercing that everybody so talks about ;-) OMG she is mad! Rohini Momo and I could inverte London with our madness.

Niki: Niki is the loudest among us all. But that's becoz of her enthusiasm for anything! She can give you an impression of being submissive, but you should see her at work. Aggressive is her second name. She cannot speak hindi, she got detained once for her Kenyan passport, he has lived in Canada for 8 yrs and calls Toronto 'Trono' for some strange reason and can easily get away as a 20 yr old! Niki you are absolute fun!

Claude: he would talk less but always talk sense. Initially he would give me tips on my clap and that really helped me. Then he gave me advice on how to behave on set and helped me too! His advice has never failed. His wise cracks would go over my head. He was omnipresent. He was the only guy on set with a license to hold up a shot! Everytime we were all ready, he would come with his little light meter and count numbers minus 4, 2.8, +5-4… he was the villain of the film like Akshay said! Always popping at the wrong time! I have not seen Claude ever sit on the set.

Deepakji: I have annoyed him the most! Deepakji slate le lo… deepakji clap aa raha hai ke nahi? Deepakji ye deepakji woh! He was unperturbed… always absorbed in his work. One other person who would constantly be on his feet with the walky-talky in his ears giving him instructions and deepakji following it like an subservient child. He taught me lenses, he taught me how to clap without bugging anyone ;-) He has been a great support on set for me without whom I would have lost my job in two days!

Shaunak: I have grown fonder of him during our London visit. I couldn’t sleep that one night I fought with him. He is total ladies man and at work the busiest among all. But he really works hard. We see him working hard for what he wants to be and at this rate you will get there sooner than you blink Shauny! He is a darling and will remain forever.

Nazar: he was shooting the making I felt like shooting him down every time he would occupy my place near the camera! He is the reason why I said ‘end slap’!!! He is the reason why I called out numbers wrongly many times. He is the only one who laughs on his jokes. Yet I adore him.

Raju Bhai: our spot boy. Very very experienced and has taken care of me like his I were his own daughter. I do not know or wish to know what his intentions were but he never made me feel homesick. I would get tea whenever I asked for it, he would keep choco chip cookies for me, he told me stories of people he worked with and just listening to it was delightful.

Micky: he was our dolly boy who did not have many friends on set I observed. He would keep to himself and a few people around. But he was immensely fond of me. He got me chocolates, marshmallows and cider! He even got me a hamburger once! He is a rockstar really! He had his own rock band where he played the guitar, rode on a lambretta with flared jeans and long hair… hahaha… super cool!

Ricky: my radio man. I have not seen him frown even one day. He would always greet me with a warm smile and a heavy burden of 4 walky-talky’s for each one of us ADs. His energy from beginning to end of the shoot was the same. So good to know you as a friend.

Sue: This woman is what I want to be when I become 40. She is so full of energy that she can put a 16 year old to shame. She drove Akshay to set and did multiple other things that I could never grasp. She has 2 sons who are more friends than kids to her. You’re a cool woman and no pretence!

Lee: umm, the date is still due! Such a player, he promised every girl on the set to take out on a date but never did. This ex-shippie is an incorrigible flirt and you cannot ignore him really. Our local line producer who speaks hindi and would put us all in splits instantly. His favorite target ajay, avni and me! Super smart and super good at his work, Lee is a killer guy!

Ajay: He is one person who has never been stressed on set however big the set up is. He would always be smiling and his smile would piss the hell out of my director but he wouldn’t sweat even one bit. Ajay would come out with e uncanny one liners and leave me amused. I love his sketches and looking at him one wouldn’t ever guess he would sketch so well. He is an absolute delight to be around with and work with.

Ritiesh’s gang: Nitin 1, Nitin 2, Kamal and Vinod are madcaps. The only star gang that I found fantastic. They are all super fun people and really good friends.

Boman sir: He is a gem really. The one day I spent 20 minutes chatting with him made me grow fond of him. Thorough gentleman, so humble and down to earth and so warm! He is fantastic on screen we all know but he is even better as a human being.

Few of the many people who made work seem so easy and so much fun. I can never thank them enough for just having been a part of my learning curve. I hope to cross paths with them sometime soon and show them proudly how much of a difference they made to me as a person.

London Good Bye!

Stars in my eyes, anxiety in the mind, a lump of nervousness in the throat and fast track heartbeat when my feet touched the ground at London Heathrow airport. Some forty of us making our way out of the airport and the chaos to sort our luggage. Some known and some unknown faces waiting to be introduced. We were gona be each other’s world for the next 50 days. We were looking at each other scrutinizing and judging personalities. It’s like wedding jitters; this anxiety was.

We met again on the day of the shoot. Each face had a distinct emotion strongly reflecting on it. Experience, confidence, over confidence, nerves, relief or simple stress… I could sense every face giving out the exact detail of what the mind was going through. Shot after shot as we finished one scene for the day the expressions changed. It was like a barrage of emotions all around me. Gradually as familiarity grew in, the emotions became personal and they communicated a lot more than just the heartfelt. Some faces grew fonder some distant and some only exist. I was told that you get sick of people after 50 days of seeing each other 24x7. But the welcoming smiles haven’t disappeared even after 30 days of toiling in the weird London weather.

Waking up at 4am and leaving for shoots at 6am has become a part of live, however annoying it is everyday. I hate the alarm every time it goes up to wake me up. I slap to shut it like I will kill it. I hate the warmth of my duvet because it doesn’t let me step out of my bed. I hate the thought of not being able to steal some sleep with a fear of being late and left behind. Yet I love every bit of this madness. I love the idea of waking up everyday to a new day of shoot. I love my work!

Its not the fun of being abroad in a different country, it’s the fun of doing something so creative and fulfilling with the added bonus of working in another country and to be able to experience something so incredible that excites me. I have met new people, made new friends, bitched, gossiped endlessly about anybody random, tried to find some solace in the midst of this madness in vain and learnt something new everyday. Life cannot be better!

Every time we got some time to ourselves we would run at the first opportunity to shop or roam around. We lived on Oxford street for 2 months and began referring to our hotel room as ‘home’. Nothing more disastrous than that can happen to anyone ever that you call a hotel your home! We all know every nook and corner of Marble Arch and Oxford like the gali in our locality. Oxford street was residence. Leicester Square, Piccadilly Sq, London Bridge, London eye, Big Ben are no more things we saw in movies or postcards or facebook pics of other people for that matter. It is now familiar, known and traversed. We have treaded all the paths of Leicester and all the lanes that took us to a good pub and good music. Camden market is Hill road, I can proclaim proudly today!

We all came with a ‘to do in London’ list and it feels so good to strike of one after the other ‘things we did in London!’ The only one thing I couldn’t do which I will regret is cycling around the lanes here. As I bid adieu to London I feel there is nothing in this life that you wish for and you do not get. I got what I wished for, and I shall never stop wishing!

Two and a Half Hours of Magic

50 days of madness, chaos, fun and ass ripping hardwork for a 2.5 hour cinematic experience. Am only half way through it yet. 25 days into this madness and i am loving every bit of it. The surroundings have absorbed me fully as i have let them flow in my veins along with my blood. Everything, from running around giving actors their scenes for tomorrow to holding their chai cups to giving clap and getting flaked for everything! Life is fun here..

Rotten as hell is an understatement to describe the first day of work. I was shaking... so much had been filled into my head about clap and the whole set feel that i was NERVOUS in capital letter, underlined and bold in 72 size font. There was akshay kumar, ritesh and lara right in front of me and a bunch of scrutinizing eyes in my own team who would evaluate my aptitude in that one day of work. The first clap was given by Sajid sir's mother. When my turn came, my throat dried and hands went cold. I do not know what i spoke but i was pretty sure it was all wrong. So the 3 giants who stood behind my clap knew the very instant that either i was new or totally foolish. Nonetheless, i had a job on hand and i was on a mission! Everybody on set is senior to me even if they are 19yrs old... so i got gyan from all directions. Well, for people who know me, multiple instructions confuse me to death. So my state of mind need not be further explained!

Day two and three were worse coz new situations arrived and i had to learn faster than a child. I was losing it... but finally i felt myself absorbing everything around me. I picked up pace and clap has become synonymous to me! Atleast i think so....

Film making, has aspects that i had never known as an audience. The amount of hardwork and effort that goes into making even the trashiest movie is incredible. Nobody thinks they are making trash so put in less effort. Every shot is lit up like 'this is the shot that will make the movie'! Every scene is performed like 'an oscar performance'. Not a penny less... So i know now when ever i trashed a movie saying 'kyu banayi aisi picture' i was disrespecting the efforts put in by the 100 people on the crew for whom the film was a blockbuster in the making. I will now think of the gaffers who hold lights in rain, sun and blistering cold just to make that shot look perfect. I will think of the spot boys who wake up 2 hours earlier than us just to ensure that we are comfortable at shoot and everything is in place. I will think of the actors who eveng after all the many luxuries they enjoy, come to early morning shoots and stay up late to finish a scene. I will think of all the AD's who work their asses off to ensure the back bone of the film doesn't crumble.

I have lots to share... although i miss home and miss my people... i miss blogging whenever and whatever... but this work keeps me going... everyday is a new learning for me... and yet i am only half way through this film. What we do and what you see is pure magic... and i am learning the tricks of this trade by the day.

Things i haven't done in a long time

As we transverse through time, so many things are left undone, so many desires are left unfulfilled and so many pictures remain un-colored. And when we look back in time we wish we could spare out a little more time to do what we really loved doing and regret about not having done it. There is frankly never an appropriate time to do anything that makes you happy. We all wait for an opportune time which never comes and all that we had just passes by as we watch helplessly. Today just this urge of doing things i miss doing or i have missed doing makes me write this list of the mad and wild things i haven't done in a long time. I am sure a lot of people like me will be grinning at most points on this list. So let's start -

1. Soaking in the rain - i don't remember the last time when i got drenched in the rain. The first shower was an event in our lives as children. We all ran out of our houses to soak in the cold rain that not only washed the body but rejuvenated the soul. The rains were a reason to celebrate. Last time i guess i got soaked was in Indore on our office terrace. Exactly 5 years ago...I miss running out and getting wet in the rain like a child.

2. Girl Fun - in the longest time i have not had girl fun with my girl gang. last year i went out with my sisters to hard rock cafe and had a blast. Got on the table and danced like a mad woman and got drunk n all that... but i was conscious still coz my jeeja was with us.. but that dint stop me from having fun.. restricted fun! An all girl gang fun is totally different!

3. Dance like no one's watching - for all who know me well know that's how i dance. To a lot of people i look stoned when i dance.. but dance to me is trance and in the longest time i haven't danced like this... i miss dancing to myself.. loosing myself to dance!

4. Laugh until i cry - this is something i have forgotten long back. Now laughter and tears have become two separate entities that roll out on their own. Their companionship has been divided by glee and stress. I am yearning to laugh and laugh until tears roll down my cheeks. Lot os uf laugh like that... this friend of mine would laugh so much that one day her eyes shut and she fell off the chair! Her jaw started hurting and she skipped dinner because she couldn't chew. No kidding, really! Been a long time...

5. Wander - In college we did this a lot. Wander aimlessly without an agenda for the day. We hung out at satyam, pvr of all sorts, ashok vihar market, CP, behind our college... or just about anywhere... we ate, shared jokes, bitched and went back home... pure bliss sometimes to be not doing anything... for the past 8 years i dont remember one day where i haven't done anything... everyday has been an agenda...even off days are meant for laundary and cleaning up and repair work and all that jazz... this one day of just wandering has gone missing...

6. Bicycle - Hmph... the last time i cycled was in Mandav on our outbound... 16kms... treasure hunt and it was maddening. I love cycling... it gives me a sense of freedom and i love it when the wind blows on my face and tickles my hair away from my face. I use to skip the school bus and cycle my way to school without my parents knowing until my dad found out and followed me one day to see how well i rode. Since then i have been the champ of my house! But i haven't cycled for the longest time. Mandav when i did, i cycled after some 10 yrs. its been 4 years since i last sat on a bicycle.

7. Impulse reactions - Although i am not impulsive and would seldom do anything unplanned, impulses give me a kick anyhow. It's like spirit or ecstasy that gives you just that required amount of kick! I remember in Jaipur on Rakhi, pankaj and i set out for a drive... we picked shilpi on our way and headed to jaipur-delhi highway and our plan was to eat at a dhaba and go return home late in the night. But post a sudden impulse, we just detoured to Alwar. At midnight we were driving past dense Sariska forests and glaring at our faces were Cheetals, wild boars, neelgai and animals of the dark... at one point Pankaj decided to stop the car in the middle of the forest and swtiched the headlights off. The silence of the jungle sounded like music to us. We could see tiny sparkling eyes from the bushes and after a few seconds fear grabbed our mind and we drove away. The thrill for those 5 secs was immense. The impulse drove us to Moniya's house in Alwar where we reached at 1am and made her mom cook for us! We drover her back at 5am to reach office at 10! Was never done something so mad after that!

We tend to ignore our space and small joys of life for bigger ones. I don't know how justified it is. It may be the need of that time to let go of your personal joys for something else, but i am sure there is a time when you can forego something else for your personal pleasure. We remember these small things and then miss not having done it before. Take out time, do something you like doing, every week. Just an hour every week ...

Chicken Shit

Devdas, all of the four that were made have been superhits. Devdas the novel itself was much acclaimed. Devdas, the story of a drunkard loser who weaves a world of sorry around himself and drowns his sorrow in spirit. Sorry that he gave to himself, grief that he created himself in his life. A man so cowardly that he never had courage to face the world for mistakes he did and others paid for or even confess his love to his lady only to see her marry off to someone else! Devdas to me was a wuss.

He glorified his pain and pulled everybody around him in it. The turbulent whirlpool of sadness is only centrifugal. The pathos is never for the other person, it always stems from self. Devdas died thinking that grief was larger than the other persons. His grief was so morbid that he doomed everybody who ever got associated with him. He blamed everybody else for his state of mind, state of life and could never fight back because he was a wuss.

People who hide their faces in a blanket of sadness and gloom can never live life. Their perspective towards life is dark and somber. Their eyes are perpetually filled with tears that diffuse the beautiful picture of life. Their heads are fuzzed up by depressing thoughts that only lead them to doomsday! Their curve on the face is forever inverted and viens strained. How can one remain happy around a person like that? Everybody suffers pain and troubles in life. No one persons trouble is greater than the others' because we all live different lives with as many different problems each big for each of us. Like i always say, every problem has a solution and the gravity of the problem is inversely proportional to the way it is dealt with. The better you deal with it smaller the problems become! Sadness is never life, its a phase of life. Hence, it has to pass. Sadness is never the problem, it is the emotional outcome of a problem.

Devdas never lived his life, he existed and eventually perished. There are more than one like him for whom sympathy, self pity and sadness is way of life. To them pain needs to be glorified and to me, all their emotional trash is totally chicken shit! A man is the one who fights back, rest all are vegetables. A man is the one who can snatch every single iota of joy that he can possibly sieze. A man is the one who can reclaim his life and rise like a phoenix. A man to me is the one who cares not about phases of life but cares about people and beyond self. A man to me will never tag 'chicken shit' alongside his name!

Fariyaad Karen'GAY'

The Indian Penal Code (IPC), of which Section 377 forms a part, was drafted in 1860 by Lord Macaulay as a part of the colonial project of regulating and controlling the British- and Indian-origin subjects. It reads:

377. Unnatural offences: Whoever voluntarily has carnal intercourse against the order of nature with any man, woman or animal, shall be punished with imprisonment for life, or with imprisonment of either description for term which may extend to ten years, and shall also be liable to fine.

Explanation: Penetration is sufficient to constitute the carnal intercourse necessary to the offense described in this section.

The ambit of Section 377, which was devised to criminalize and prevent homosexual associations - sodomy in particular, extends to any sexual union involving penile insertion. Thus even consensual heterosexual acts such as fellatio and digital penetration may be a punishable offense under this law. [wikipedia]

Swami Ram Dev Baba: Gays are sick people and should be sent to hospitals.

and isnt your YOGA supposed to help sick people????

Lalu Prasad Yadav: "Such things which affect the society should not be permitted at all... Government has a greater responsibility towards the society,"

and if i may ask what greater responsibility are we talking about here???

Since when has 'bedroom activity' started interesting our nation? Why we are so bothered what two consenting adults do behind closed doors of their bedrooms, irrespective of their sexual orientation? Have we ever been interested in two straight peoples' sexual lives like we have this sudden curiosity and opinion about gays getting equal right to live a normal life? What the hell is wrong with us all? Look at the statements being made by RESPONSIBLE people of India. People who make promises of a better, brighter India. A more progressive India.

It’s a pity that education and awareness couldn’t bring about a change in the way we think. Such education is a waste and such people are a disgrace who cannot accept other humans for what they are. What is the big deal about homosexuality after all? You like a woman and I like a man is normal… he likes a boy and she likes a girl is abnormal? We don’t decide as we grow up what tendency we will pick. Our parent’s don’t influence our choices of gender in our bringing up process. Neither is it genetic nor is it psychological. It’s purely biological. And if its that, then it’s surely gifted by god if that makes the understanding better!

Who are we to decide what is normal and what isn’t? Just because a few million act in certain way it is normal!? Is it written is your god book, the rules of normal and abnormal? Who gives anybody the right to call a certain sect of people as SICK? YOU???? And we thought you were a spiritual leader. Of the millions that followed you, many would be homosexual to bring to your notice sir, and you were unwittingly healing these SICK people without them going to the hospital!

The government has never done any better work before than this ever, Sir! Which society are we talking about? And for some greater responsibility towards this very same society, I think the government should strive to make it safer for all. With the 26/11 case judgements still pending in court and all sorts of allegations of complacency on the same responsible government, I think they surely have better things to do!

TOI carried this really interesting and informative article on how gayness was not shameful in our own ancient India. Experts of some mythological incidents from a book were quoted in the article and I was fascinated to know how our country is so obsessed with sex and sexuality. It quotes a story from the puranas where Brihaspati discovers his wife Tara is pregnant with the child of her lover Chandra. He curses the love child to be born neuter. Budh later marries Ila, a man who becomes a woman when he accidentally trespasses an enchanted grove. From that union springs the Chandra-vamsa, or the lunar dynasty of kings. So says the Mahabharata. In the Valmiki Ramayana, there are descriptions of Rakshasa women who kiss women on Ravana’s bed on whose lips lingers the taste of their master. Krittivasa Ramayana is the story of two widows who drink a magic potion and, in the absence of their husband, make love to each other and end up bearing a child without bones (traditionally believed to be the contribution of semen).

Is there a more perverse nation than this? We have granths written on sex and sex education. We have in our ancient times accepted and lived with homosexuals. The era when there was no ‘education’ as such. They were all supposedly uneducated. I think we were much more forward and broad in our thinking then, than we are today. Education has made us penny wise and pound foolish.

This very same responsible government has made this responsible decision because a few morons create nuisance in the lives of two people who want to just a live a peaceful life without being mocked at for the choice they made. You like potatoes I like beans so what!!!!!! Take charge of your lives and stop peeping into other peoples’ bedrooms. Behind closed doors we all do the same gig that they do! It’s just a matter of choice!

Ghanan Ghanan...

Its been pouring all day. Few areas in the city have been clogged and by the looks of it, this very generous, in a party mood rain is here to stay for over the weekend. Thanks!

My ofis is next to the sea @ versova. Standing on the terrace i can see the ocean splashing against the walls of the cemetery and washing away iniquitousness of the ceased as well as of the alive. The sea on our side was never so volatile. Ever since its surfaced has been kissed with the cold showers of rain it has been bouncing off in joy wherever it could find space! Enormous tides that thunder against any surface and the splash of water that follows seems like children chasing each other joyfully. The chuckling of water as it recedes after that big thud against the walls is strangely pleasant and meditative.

I know a lot of people who romanticize rains. Frankly rains for a long period leave me gloomy and sad. Let rains begin and all the facebook ID's get updated and all romantic. Rain plays a lot on human psyche in a way that it makes them all mushy and sugar coated for some reason. Frankly, i could never understand why people suddenly become horny in the rain. Its not romance, its sex that runs through the mind. This sudden urge of having someone special in your lives becomes the top priority of a lot of lonely hearts and those who have the 'special' someone in their lives think of how to spend the most romantic time with them as it rains. TOING!??? Please see three question marks over my head and eyes that roll in wonder... Why does rain make people romantic????

I can hear all kinds of 'saason ko saason mein ghulne do zara', 'pyar hua ikraar hua', 'bheegi bheegi raaton mein', 'haye haye yeh majboori', 'jaane do na...', 'bhaage re mann' playing everywhere. Its like rain anthem. Weird really...

For me, my favorite rain item forever will be smoking hot Raveena in a rain soaked yellow saree with Akshay Kumar prancing around her with eyes full of lust with his signature smile from ear to ear waiting for the right opportunity to get cosy with the lass. The ultimate rain song ever... i have not seen any song smoke so much fire while getting soaked in the rain. The music is four thumbs up, the picturisation is awesome and the after effects... mindblowing!

Right now i am waiting for the rain to stop so i can go out and fetch something to eat. There is almost knee deep water around my building and its not getting any better. If it continues to rain this way, this city will witness another of its biggest disasters. Rain pandits have already started predicting their tsunami's and sea storms and death foresights! They finally have some work to do after sitting idle for an entire season waiting to predict and get noticed. So the date they say is 13th July, the day the city will witness a tsunami. Well Shree Shree 1008 Lord Aga ji once said in Padosan' Bindu ki maa, jab jab jo jo hona hai tab tab so so hota hai...' was earlier also copied by the great Murphy ' what has to go wrong, will go wrong...'

Let us romanticize rains till then, coz if anything adverse happens at all, these romantic thoughts will anyway begin to haunt then.

I am engaged...

Yes i am engaged! Finally....to my solitude. So i am sitting here, punching hard on the keys of my room mates laptop coz my machine suddenly turned foul on me. Decided not to show its ugly face and the screen blanked out like my mind. No man, no machine, no mission no nothing...

I am spaced out again. This happens to me simply because of too many thoughts at once. So when i sit to write i do not know what to write and where to begin. So i have lost track again i can see as i type... i was saying i am engaged to my solitude. I am at home alone, my roomie is out and the other one is at work. Just threw my cat out of the house so that makes me totally lonely. From my large french windows i can see the building across the road. About 50 odd windows. One to the drawing room and one to the masterbed room on each floor, of the flats facing my side. 30 odd lights are on, 20 odd people hovering in their houses from one room to the other unaware that i am watching them. And this one light on the 6th floor blinks and switches on. A young boy puts the TV on and if i am not blind i can see some animated channel on it. I can see through their houses, thanks to the very friendly 'watch my neighborhood' concept of builders that allows you to literally watch into each others' lives. I can see this one dog in the balcony sitting on a rain soaked floor, helplessly. On floor 3, the lady has got out a tray full of glasses i cant see what's filled in it. Guests i believe must be the reason for 6 crystal glass crockery to suddenly leave the showcase and butt itself on the serving tray!

Lost track again.... i was engaged to my solitude. I am having a monologue in my head. Trying to reason why i am still alone. All these years i have never evaluated my situation so keenly as i am doing now. May be its time. But my friend said dont be desperate... so i am trying not to be. Last night shivani n i went out... had great fun just idling our lives for 4 hours... saw the humungous rows of cars waiting to get on to the Sea Link like it would sink tomorrow... laughed at how we indians are and moved to link road and ate till we threw up almost! 200 mein jaan bhi le lo to de dein! mutton seekh kebab, chiken tikka masala aur 6 paav to bahut chhoti cheez hai!

So everyday i can't innovate on 'how to break ur solitude' topic! Ok my thoughts are changing now.... same logic... multiple thoughts!....

Inked for life!

The gun is scary to look at. When he fixed the needle it was even scarier. He jutted the needle out after fixing it and dipped it in the ink. Black it was. He quickly checked if the needle was fixed correctly and the ink enough.

The needle moved in and out so fast that it looked like it will drill through! The sound was that of a micro jet. A weak soul would faint at the very sight. I sat there on his recliner calmly.

Butterflies fluttered in my stomach and anxiety was killing me but my face remained undeterred. I looked like a pro. Atleast i pretended to be. I had 2 already... so this one was no big deal you see.

The other guy had etched the design on my foot and the stencil told the outcome would be great. As i lay on the recliner, with a pseudo calm around me... he got the gun and jotted the first dot on my skin. I felt this sudden rush of blood to my head. It made me happy. As his gun kissed and scored along my skin drawing the stencil into reality the rush drove me insane. It was like a hundred roller coster rides one after the other. The rush was immense.

He finished the outline in no time and kept staring at it. He coolly asked me 'do you want me to do something else to it?' I said yeah fill it up. He replied 'actually i wanted to keep it that way, you want me to color it?' i said yeah color it... 'he said hang on' and pulled out a pen from his stand full of equipment and handy things. He drew something over the outline... said 'i'm thinking let's give it a shadow... will make it light grey so it looks like it' i looked closely... pondered like i understood what he envisioned and then nodded in disagreement. Nope! let it be like that... just fill it with color... both my tattoos are black and i want a hint of color on this... 'which color' he asked... i said blue...the guy behind him quickly walked up to the stack of color bottles and followed his instructions. 'Two drops of blue and one green'

The needle was cleaned and he dipped in some color on it. The wise traveler gradually was filled with life. It was incredibly beautiful, delicate and aesthetic. You rock! I told him. He was smiling.... it took him 20 mins...only....He dabbed the tattoo and asked his matey to apply some ointment over it... he got up and looked at it... 'next time, pls let us some more work on you preeti!' and i looked at him and smiled.... 'yes sure, next time i promise i will come back with a big design for my back!' he replied 'ya ya...' as he smiled and walked away.

My Wise traveller, the symbol of my love for travel... will be with me forever... where ever i go... will encourage me to step out and follow my dream...

My first was the eye of horus, an ancient egyptian symbol of the protection and royal power.... my second was my love for my dog when she died...'GYPSY' etched in arabic...and my third the traveler!

My passion has been inked on me forever....

Before i Die....

Things I want to do before I die. In no particular order actually

1. Make my own film – write and direct, whether I get appreciation for it or not. I don’t want to die unhappy about the fact that I had the vision and put it to no use.

2. Globe trot – want to see every part of the world, physically accessible and mentally thinkable. I was born with two feet to trot and walk so I shall!

3. drive on the formula one track – I am a fast and furious girl. Love fast cars and furious men. I can only drive men furious so I’d rather choose to drive a car so fast that the tyres burn! Formula 1 is my dream… and I know I will drive on the Monaco track one day.

4. work with SRK – I do not know by the time I make my film SRK would still play leads. I would still love to work with him once even if that means taking his phone calls.

5. build a genuine liking for children – for all who know me know I cannot tolerate children. They are nice till they learn to talk! But before I die I want to genuinely like children and indulge in the whole ‘ollllle le le le… ta hua baby to’ crap talk.

6. be filthy rich some day - even if it means I become broke the very next day. Even for a day I want to feel how the rich feel.

7. bungee jumping and zorbing – these two sports make my head spin… the thought I mean. I am a self confessed adrenaline junkie, I am medically advised not to get into these two sports less I decide to commit suicide by breaking my back forever. But I promise you mister doctor, I will be fine and living for another 50yrs even after bungee jumping and spinning in the zorb ball.

8. learn how to swim – I am an aquarian. Just for namesake. I cannot swim to save my life. This fear I developed as a child when I went to learn swimming and somebody threw me in 10ft deep water when I was 3ft myself. Couldn’t ever learn how to swim after that. I love water though…

9. live in the mountains and write – this is like the closest wish to my heart. I really want to live in the mountains for a good six months and write. From the big wooden windows with a cup of tea, over looking green meadows and sheep grazing on the beautiful landscape… and as eyes go up you’d see snow kissed mountains… I want to write… I love the mountains! I’d probably die there.

10. sing – I do sing… I am trained! But I am too shy to sing in public. But one day I want to revive my passion for singing. I will sing again!

11. watch all the movie made to date – I want to, hopefully!

12. I want to buy the world’s most expensive watch ever!

13. I want to learn photography. I love it and I do manage a few lucky shots but not as good as I would like them to be.

14. My one dream of getting a tattoo was fulfilled twice, but I still have that urge of getting one more! On my calve muscles. The sign of a traveler!

15. travel to space! Yes if technology allows me to

16. travel in time – yes that too!

17. get married… or so I wish!

Aegis

When she cried she was fed with goodies. When she laughed she was made to laugh even more. When she fell, they came running to pick her up. When she made mistakes they would grab her by the arm and make her understand everything. When she was lonely they would fill her life with their presence. When it rained they quickly covered her head. When she slept, they would pull a blanket over her and kiss her forehead with affection that her made her smile in her sleep. She was part of a happy family. Now when she cries, she cries alone. When she laughs, she laughs at her own misery. When she falls she has to stumble and get up and on her own. When she makes mistakes, either people laugh at her or she pays for them. When she is lonely she has no escape from her loneliness. When it rains she has no choice but to soak in the rain. When she sleeps she shivers as she cries.

She is missing life. Nobody to run their hands over her head to console her when she is crying. Nobody to hold and hug her tight when she is scared. Nobody to wipe tears off her cheeks and maker laugh when she is low. Nobody to say 'i care'. It's tuff to battle alone in the most treacherous of wars with life. It's tough not to give in and give up at times. Its tough to just smile when you don't feel like it.

It's like a sudden gush of wind blows your umbrella away. Like you are stranded in the middle of no where. When you try to clean up the mess it becomes even messier. She doesn't know how to deal with it anymore. She is cringing in her mind with the thought of being out in open. She feels vulnerable and unarmored. Sans Aegis!

Ape Dance!

Atul and I had this infamous habit of ogling at all the women in the disco. We passed nasty comments on how they looked, dressed, danced and some were our regular baits. At ‘B2B – the place to be’ he and I grabbed a corner would trip on every human breathing on floor. It was a fun exercise for us, much like the harmless high you’d get out of drinking. Our routine was somewhat like this – we walked into Country Inn with a fleet of cars always, some 4 odd one after the other. Raina, Deependra, Atul and me… swoosh… into the sparkling valet. We would get our wrists stamped and walk down the twisty stairway like it was our own disco. The first floor had the bar and a lounge area and we would first thing do is peep down and look at the people on the floor and then walk down to the lower level. We would fill our glasses and grab one corner from where we could scan the whole crowd without them seeing us. Once we were done scanning, we would then pick on the ‘catch of the day’ who would be then our subject of torture for as long as we were there.

So this one chick in a white tight shirt was our regular target. Her shirt was so tight that I felt sometime her intestines would pop out and she would die of claustrophobia. Nonetheless, she was breathing…comfortably… to return every week! Atul had an eye on her… she was a ‘tota’ for him. I found her cheap. She would just thrust her chest in and out to every song like she knew nothing else. Her partner would change each week, which is what amused Atul most. Every weekend she would get a different tharki buddha with her to pay up for her booze and dance – a so called couple! When we were done taking her case we would then pay attention to the sudden high of the tempo of music playing which meant that the place is packed and everybody is ready to ‘hit it’. DJ chetan would blare on the mic and rap to some hip hop tune ‘Welcome everybody to B2B- the place to be, enjoy your evening… let me see some hands in the air….here you go….’ And then suddenly the whole crowd on the dance floor would jump up and down in sync and throw their hands in the air.

The dark disco would light up with disco lights swirling from left to right. Champak would begin his lambada to any song virtually. He would squeeze his hands close to his body and do quirky footwork that nobody could catch! Each one would gradually start stepping on to the floor and do their own thing. Gattu had a peculiar dance step where she would stick her butt out like a duck and spread her hands on her sides like duck’s wings and sway from side to side. Ashi was so shy that she would not budge from her place and only look around and move slightly. Sleepy was the most stylish. She would dress up like a bomb and apply make up and get transformed on the floor. Hinna would only come if her brother and bhabhi accompanied her, so she was always the last to come and the energy would suddenly go up as she entered! Moniya, would only step in once beedi played and then there was no stopping. She would dance till she died. For me… I had no head no tail. One song needed to pep me up and I am on! I would find the closest speaker and stand under it. Music would give me a high that no spirit could ever. I was always under the speaker grooving to my dance style…. Till my favorite song played and I joined the centre again. I dint bother, who was looking at me or how I looked when I dance. I still don’t. It’s a trip for me like a shot! Atul, had the funniest form of dancing. He has described it in his blog in the best manner. ‘Showing off his own unique dancing style which was unmatched(it seemed like a snake was trying to climb a mountain, the guys hands and legs used to assume different polio like postures which would have even shocked a qualified surgeon)’. We would all ape him and he would feel so proud of it! Chaddu was the worst. She wouldn’t dance in the first place and is she did she would elbow and kill people around her with her histrionics.

Well, I took breaks between my dance displays for my back ache wouldn’t allow me to dance at a stretch. So these breaks were Tharak time for Atul and me. ‘ Dekh dekh, kya tota aya hai aaj…’was his standard line always. I would then scan the chick from head to toe and disapprove of her. And then was our time to rape everybody’s character standing in that one corner. ‘Yeh aaj ghar jaake na…. aaj to iski diwali hai…. Kya baapu bazaar chhap kapda daal ke aayi hai…. Iska charitra kuch thik nahi hai…’.
One thing we have seen, as soon as a popular number played, the entire crowd would roar which was supposed to be a happy welcoming sound and then they would all dance a common step harmoniously. Either throw their hands in the air and jump up and down or do a hand up and down step. Few of the famous popular songs for sync steps are ‘paathshala’, ‘aye mere dil tu gaaye ja’, ‘It’s the time to disco’, ‘where’s the party tonight’, ‘we will rock you’, as soon as ‘summer of 69’ played everybody would become Bryan Adams in multiples, strumming imaginary guitar’s and thumping their heads up and down wildly. Funny synchronized dancing. I really enjoyed watching these sync dances. All non-dancers enjoyed this one moment of glory where they knew one step well atleast! The signature step from the popular song from the time was what they danced to. I am not the, ‘ape a step’ kinds. I have my own dance style…. Out of sync from the crowd… I am ok with it. Atul cannot dance anyway!

But really, not just B2B, every nightclub that I have visited has the same set of people. It’s like a ‘copy-paste’ phenomenon. Same things happen… same kinda disc-etiquette is followed. Same hysteria when a hit song plays, same synchronized dancing to popular songs same shit. Apes haven’t evolved a bit.