Nightfall

I can't see... i am hazy.. my vision blurred or rather dark, my mind clogged and my head, heavy.

My thoughts have become super fast. My nights are up and awake. Clarity is what i call for. I m scared of darkness. I hate it when i can't see anything and eclipses disorient me. I cannot fight what i can't see.


Diwali is over, the dark is supposed to go. I am waiting for the new moon, some ray of light, some source of energy... It cannot be dark forever. Am taking my chance for now in the dim light. Touching feeling and understanding everything that seems so different in the dark. Simple things look like monsters, shadows appear. I can feel and sense everything around... eerie and cold. Everything but me.

12 months, 1 year

Both happened. In sub sequence of 2 days. Overwhelming joy and sorrow. No complaints really but that's the cycle of life. Nobody can get anything in excess or forever. Nothing is forever. No joy no sorrow.

The joy being the launch of my station in Nagpur after an endless wait. No joy can compare to the feat of launching a new station. We were just recuperating from the brain damaging happiness and i got the news at 2. Gypsy, died. A dog for many who do not understand the affection of pets and a family member for who actually empathise. She was with us for 8 years and that's a long time. I was away, and i thank God for that. Coz i wouldn't have been able to ever get over it had i seen her dying.

I was alone, trying to hide my tears, but why? I love her immensely. I don't get depressed thinking of her today, because she has given me too much joy to think about her and feel sad.

Today completes the 1 year, of not having my pet around of not having to see her when i go back home, of not being loved by and not being asked for. 12 months have passed after the launch of Nagpur on 18th! I am so overjoyed by the fact that this journey has been so amazing and the talent i trained has managed to finally walk it on their own.




I am smiling today. 12 months and the 1 year has passed so soon. Both memories would live forever in my heart. Equally remembered!

Inconnu

'so that's me, exactly me. I look like me, i smile like me, i even think like me', I was telling myself looking at the mirror. But do i really know myself? Who knows me? Who knows you??? We are inconnu!

Who knows you anyway? We are surrounded by people who constantly tells us how well they know us. Be it your boyfriend/girlfriend, your very close friends, your family, your acquaintances or anybody you meet even for a millisecond. They remember the next time you meet, what food you like, what color you like, what dress you wore and all that trash and it means they know you well. I like it! So convinient. So knowing somebody is basically just about knowing their likes and dislikes, knowing their friends and knowing the exterior! Or is it? So when your friends know you they mean they know what you like or dislike. What do they mean when they say they know you?

Frankly even your parents don't know you completely. No they can't. What they see of you is their child and what you are is something else. You may have a zillion flaws and your parents would voluntarily not notice them only because you are their child. So how well do they know you? Just as much as you know yourself.

All of us infact change according to circumstances; consciously or sub consciously. Plus, all of us grow with our experiences as well. So its not neccesary that we react the same way to the same situation at two different occasions and its completely natural. Does it mean that we have changed? ummm... may be yes, may be not! Our choices, likes and dislikes... our decisions and so many other things so depend on the today we are living in that i may have planned the biggest house on a particular land and just when i start digging the foundation i may find an oil reserve and start a petrol pump there! Have i changed????

What we are in front of our parents we are not in front of the friends and not the same in front of our collegues and not all in front of strangers and neither knows how you are in front of the other. So if we have so many different facets in just one personality who would you say knows you thouroughly? You??? Would you know if you'd react the same way to the same thing at two different time zones? Damn!

I was watching big boss (yes i watch it regularly and if i may say... i am a fan!) i realised how everybody was totally contrary to what i percieved of them or how they showed. Like a payal was the biggest shock to me... somebody who pretends to be sober and demure suddenly became this stupid bimbette who is so suffering from attention deficit syndrome that she couldn't look straight into people's eyes without looking through them at the camera once. Her sly and cheap side am sure even her parent's din't know of. Raja! Sambhavna? Did their parents know they abused so much!

Nobody can know you in moments they spend with you. I don't know myself in the life i have spent with me... i dunno how i'd be tomorrow... all i know is i am not wanting to know myself anymore... its beautiful see everytihng unfold gradually to know the various magical aspects of yourself. I like it... sorry but nobody knows me... nobody knows you either... we are all Inconnu!

PARADOX

There i was sitting and waiting for my friend to arrive just outside Cafe Mondegar. The dholki wala trying to sell me dholaks almost convincing me that i can be the next Himesh with it, the tee shirt wala trying to make me feel better telling me that the tiny tee shirt is ACTUALLY my size and the taxi walas slowing down as if i were waiting there for them.

Across the road at a distance i saw a boy and a girl, in a rather uncomfortable position, just behind where the pan wala was. I was stunned for a moment thinking what the two must be really thinking to be be doing what they were doing on the road in full public view. This aint like Big Boss where such works for TRP's. I noticed around nobody was paying much attention to it making me look like one villager. I was embarrassed, shocked, intimidated, curious and all that all together. I stretched my toes to get a better view to satiate my curiosity and a dholak wala din't like me playing bad cop. I was a bit anxious now to know what exactly was going on like most villagers like me would be. Its natural, no need to squeeze the nose in disgust!

So when i was fully concentrating upon trying to know how far the story has gone across the road i got pushed and shoved and thrown down the road. Bloody tourists!!! When i found my balance WHATEVER happened was the same! Argh! They were just standing in front of each other and bloody sipping coconut water from the same damn fruit! I was so disgusted with myself actually and embarrassed, shocked and all that shit again. Such a small shift in perspective and what i saw was in completely and totally different.

After a really long time i called this chap whom i had not gotten in touch with for many many years assuming he doesn't like me. I always thought he had something against me. I had some work with him today and i had to ring him up and much to my surprise he was very very nice. Totally contrary to what i expected, our conversation was superb! Its like what you expect and the exact opposite happens----- PARADOX!!!

A glass half empty to you may look like half full to somebody. A black cloud may look like thunderstorm to one or much needed rain to others. Darkness may look like the end to one but may look like the beginning of a brighter day to the other. Your eyes deceive you don't they? What you see with one eye gives you only depth, with the other eye gives you only dimension or distance. When you see with both your eyes wide open is when you get the clear picture. Am glad i opened both my eyes and gave him a call. I am glad about this paradoxical turn out. I would have been so wrong to have assumed what i assumed forever and never made an effort to rectify my vision. I'm glad i was pushed from the footpath to correct what i was thinking is wrong! I hope everybody gets a chance like that.

Makes me Happy

There is nothing to beat the aroma of piping hot adrak ki chai. Its so amazing that it has really no equal. It instantly brings a smile to my face.

The other day i was thinking, its so easy to cheer me up. One cup of thadakti bhadakti adrak ki chai and am set! On my way back home i drool over the fragrance of sea food. I love sea food.... nothing to describe in any language how much love it. I have tried uncountable times to give up non vegetarian food, but i couldn't give up eating fish. I try to console myself by saying that fish ain't non veg in some parts of the world, but yaeah! we dont live in those parts unfortunately.

For some reason i love vada paav. Its the simplest food item on any menu but can refuel you instantly. Like you can't go wrong with a Vada paav really! All burgers and sandwiches are inspired by this numero uno fast food item!

My roomie came back from Hong kong last week and just as i asked for she got me wrist watches. Yes Watches...two of them... so my count has gone up ummm... lemme count.... the black... the studded... the metal... ya the two pinks and 3 blues... 2 brown...... I guess i have 38 in total now.... 38 WRIST WATCHES! I am an accessory freak, particularly wrist watches. I dont remember when this fad caught on to become an addiction, but there was a time when i had to pick up a watch no matter what every time i went shopping. Most of my watches have stopped working, gone bad... damaged beyond repair all because i have so many that i can't wear them all together. I wish had more hands to wear them all.

Just how small these things are but can change my mood drastically and almost instantly!

Dark Nights

' Salman Khan issued Fatwah for celebrating Ganesh Utsav'

' Goons bring down a cinema hall following strong comments by Jaya Bachchan'

' 10 killed in missile attack in Pakistan'

‘ 20 killed in Delhi serial blasts, many left injured’

What is happening? Since when did God in the name of religion and power teach us violence? Which religion in the world teaches it follower violence or hatred? Who gives this handful of nuisance makers the right to kill in the name of religion? And for whom do they kill? Terrorism has become the biggest issue in the world and every country is fighting it in its own way. Terror in the name of power, in the name of religion, in the name of money isn’t unheard of in any continent now. The future looks so bleak so dark and suffocating that it’s difficult to breath the same air as these so called ‘terrorists’.

Religion. So easily distorted. It’s perhaps the only thing that can bind numerous people in faith and divide them on the same factor. Religion, so individually driven so deeply engraved in our minds that one raging thought can devastate a whole community. It’s so easy to hit the soft spot because we are vulnerable to religion and our beliefs in it. A couple of people know exactly how to hit the spot and most of us fools who are in obvious majority fall for it. We let the terrorists take over minds despite being the majority. Aren’t we fools?

There are countable terrorists in the world. Let’s count the big ones that are world terror: Osama? Dawood? Saddam (who’s dead now!) and a few terror groups that too countable on the fingers of our hand. How many of us who are anti terror???? Zillions??? Is it so hard to combat what is going on? Is it really the future we have decided for ourselves? Why to work and earn when we shall eventually die at the hands of a few mad caps who know where and when to hit our emotions and spread terror? Its hard to believe that the biggies of the world, the intelligence of the world and the smartest and most vigilant police forces cannot locate one single radical. We can let thousands of people die for one groups’ selfish and lunatic interest? Weird!!! That’s all I feel.

They train 11 year olds to kill people and we teach our 11 year olds to sit and cry over it. So funny! Not that we should give them guns and teach them how to kill, but can we teach them better values and how to deal with a world like this? Visualize a world when our kids will have commando security to even play in the park. Imagine schools teaching how to operate and AK 47 or it’s advanced versions then, the children making miniature atomic bombs in science labs and then dividing their groups into religious differences and making friends only with children of their belief! That’s scary.

Terror isn’t a feeling we want to live with. Today am scared of going out alone in crowded places not knowing if I’d return safely. Thanks to a few mad guys. If they can cohesively ruin the world and make our lives miserable, we can get together to fight it. We cannot afford to play dumb like they cannot afford to rest.

Unspoken Words

How often do we start talking and the talk leads to discussions lead to debates lead to arguments lead to fights lead to no talk anymore!

Simple words all of them, can turn the simplest of discussions to big fights. When our conversations begin we so carefully choose our words and when we loose this control is exactly when conversations become chaos. Its so totally subconscious. Simple words have no direction or soul of their own. Words are what we make of them. Words have the power to make statements and memorable lines. They also have the power to break hearts and ruin lives. They can be harsh, they can be mild they can sooth and shock at the same time.

Words are best preserved and used only when they'r really required. Sometimes silence needs to do the talking. Silence, can compensate for a zillion spoken words. The silence that is uneasy, calming, reassuring, romantic, eerie and sometimes an answer to most questions. That's the toughest to read. Unspoken words, are silence.

Silence is the best language to avoid most brash ending word conversations. Learn this new language! You are sure to find answers to so many questions that were unanswered for so long...discover aspects about yourself that you otherwise would have wasted in words.

Sex and the City

Its not funny to be living in a city so full of orgasms, where anything and everything can make you high and vis a vis. First when i was in a smaller city, i had nothing to do becoz of the lack of options. Things haven't changed as i had presumed, on the contrary they have worsened due to abundance of options. I don't know what to do!

Thats the hitch of a big city. Every murky lane to all the Illuminati, everything is orgasmic. I may behave like an idiot from the remotest tribe coming to a big city for the first time but honestly for anybody, so much glamor is a little unpalatable. Makes you feel like a small insignificant fragment in the big universe and nobody likes it.

The harms and charms of this city have been counted a million times before but when the solitude hits you, thats when you feel totally strange. Even the next door neighbor seems miles away. You jump out of joy meeting even the zero est of people who could possibly know you. It hurts when the crowd hits you on your shoulder and passes by when you're still standing there trying to find directions. Funny how people still manage too cuddle up in auto rickshaws and make out in abandoned structures. I reassures there is still some emotion left here. You walk out at 11 in the night and women would still dress up like its 11 am and manage to look fresh despite of a long tiring day.

I had not experienced this before in my life since i left the city as a child and have come back to be shocked and bedazzled. The late nights are usually reserved for the ambiguous beings. Flashy red and greens goldens and blacks.... electric blues and silvers around shady corners trying to find their weekly/ daily catch for a living, are a usual sight. I feel sometimes that life is all about 'that' for some( most rather!) people. For everything they do will eventually lead to 'it' somehow. They dark nights are reserved for them and everybody around me suddenly seems to be looking for 'it'. I have no problem with 'it' but its strange how a city can make it so easily available and acceptable and the whole of mankind can depend on it. In Wiccan philosophy 'it' means awakening of senses. This really makes me feel why do we need currency if everything is based on 'its' give and take?

Nevertheless, the city comes alive with every festivity, becomes dark with every off season. All that glitters are the clothes and neons that call out attention! For me, i'd still want to be that one living being walking around with toned down clothes deriving fun out of other peoples orgasmic deeds. By orgasm i really mean the excitement.

I Do

One more ready to walk the aisle. The wedding bells and the vows. Its wedding season approaching and i sniff in the air what will happen in Oct/Nov/Dec. I will unfortunately have to disappoint a lot of my friends by not attending their weddings and its not because of any other reason but the very fact that i am scared of them.

Its overwhelming to see weddings in a lot of sense. One i feel 'Thats it!' two i feel its a long clumsy affair. No matter how much you spend and do for others its always less. Not a single wedding i have attended where people do not crib about something or the other. All they like to do is dress up gaudily and sulk about other's appearances and money. Three i feel its nerve wrecking more for the girl coz her world changes completely. Four, Indian weddings are way to expensive and loud and that makes them even scarier. And five, most aunty's are on a look out with hawk eyes for 'suitable/marriageable' bakras to fix them up with some arbit distant relative of theirs. Albeit its a memory of a life time for the two who get married (Positive and negative) i hate attending weddings for all these simple reasons.

Am not anti institution, its just that some things are not made for some people and attending weddings is totally not for me. But to think of it, its perhaps the most cherished dream for a woman. Every woman no matter what socio economic class she belongs to, has a dream wedding in her mind and a dream life. That includes me. I wouldn't lie. Two of my friends got married early this year, 4 would tie the knot this year end... one after the other all of them would be gone... wish them all a very good life and happiness.

Mumbai Meri Jaan

We all think it cannot happen to us... we all feel constantly that we cannot be victims, we all are fools to be thinking so, because tragedy doesn't care what you think, who you are and what you want to become. Tragedy has its own fate written that can go against anybody's fate! Stop thinking it can't hit you.

I watched Mumbai Meri Jaan last night and it made me think how unsure and insecure life is actually. Today we are relaxed, thinking about my future. We have invested money in insurance policies, saved enough for dry days ahead but we never know how soon and when the dry day will come in our life. Disaster or tragedy has no sound... it doesnt ring alarms before it arrives... After watching the movie i am worried how my tomorrow will be. The tomorrow that i am working hard for today,the tomorrow that is the most cherished dream that i wish will come true someday... a tomorrow that perhaps will never be!?

The movie has touched my senses in all ways. I felt tears in my eyes on watching a movie, after a really long time. Compelling direction and stunning performances have brought out the bright side of the blasts unlike most movies that leave it in the dark. For me the movie wasn't about the blasts, it was about conquests! Personal conquests... that over fear and insecurities. Fear of being scared, fear of losing your dear ones, fear of doing something that you want to do, fear of not being accepted for who you are, fear of accepting the truth, fear of being who you are. The tragedy is just a backdrop that stimulates these fears and surfaces them in the name of a blast. The protagonists fight their personal fears to come out as heroes.

The crux of it all lies in just the one dialogue that Paresh Rawal says to KK (i'd leave it to you all to watch the film and figure) and sums up how most things violent and unpleasant can come to an end. Its scary to think of a future where the next generation will be born with blast sounds around and get use to it like we are right now use to honking of vehicles. Just a vision of the world full of terrorism sens shivers down my spine. Like they show in the movies, the universal tint will be yellow because the sun will have to find its way down to earth through the thick could of smoke from bombs. there would be only ramshackle houses and buildings and people would be living underground without food and water supplies. Children would play with shells and gun powder... schools will teach how to use weapons. There would be only army people guarding their territories fiercely and all the Osama's of the world would have the last laugh. It all started with a Blue planet and will end into a red! Tomorrow is coming sooner than the blink of an eye!

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God is Sold

It struck me at 10pm... i quickly had dinner and changed into more 'temple' like clothes and left for Hare Rama Hare Krishna temple. I am glad its just a few minutes away from home but i knew the que would be long and tiring. i reached at 11 just to see the mad rush and festivities. Its fun to be part of celebrations anywhere.

As i approached the temple premise the sound of bhajan and aarti grew stronger. People rushing towards to the temple in flocks to catch a good glimpse of the Lord whose birthday it was. Everybody had a fulfilling smile on their face like it was their own child's birthday. The vicinity was buzzing with chants and takes you into a trance. Well, i walked up to the temple and couldnt find the entrance so i checked with the inquiry. The first question they asked me was 'do you have a pass?' i said 'what pass?' he said pass as in VIP Pass? i said no... why would one need a VIP pass for a temple darshan? he bluntly and rudely said 'madam udhar jao... aapka line udhar hai'. I was hurt.. no because he spoke rudely to me but because he just sold God to a few privileged who had cannot stand in the line perhaps are too lazy and want even God to differentiate between his disciples. I got in and as i entered the discrimination was evident. A special line for pass holders that went straight to the where the idol was and for us petty people we had to make good with a few meters away from God, with people behind us pushing us forward and squishing us in the line. Nice! I am so happy to see even God is sold today. Clear and apparent demarcation between the rich and petty... women loaded with jewelery and money made it straight to the idol... gave hordes of donations and left in chauffeur driven Mercs.

Does it make them special to God? Does it mean that they gain closer access to God? Does it mean that God will be more attentive to their lives and bless them with special kindness? What does this VIP pass mean after all? We have really commercialized temples and God to our convenience. Its a sad state... one place where if he doesnt differentiate why should we? But the fact is God is Sold... actually our souls are sold!

Kalam Ruk Gayi

Fir kalam chalte chalte ruk gayi
Syaahi jam hai shayad
Thode jhatke se chal to padegi
Magar toot jaaye toh?

Kabhi socha nahi tha
Likhne se pehle
Ke aaj kya likhenge
Saaf kaagaz par
Dimag ke fitur ko likhne ki koshish hoti hai

Jo shuru kiya dil ka haal likhna
To kalam chalte chalte ruk gayi
Syaahi jam hai shayad
Thode jhatke se chal to padegi
Magar toot jaaye toh?

the restless mind

and they lived happily ever after...

Ya that's a Cinderella ending anybody would wish for. All's well that ends well... but what if it doesnt end? Its vicious sometime... don't you feel like the hamster in the treadmill who keeps running endlessly without realising his run will never end, unless he decides to jump out. And sometimes thats the solution. Sometimes when the world is round you have to find another shape to fit yourself in.

Me and my roomie have spent all of today just lazing around in the house. Practially done nothing but punch in our laptops all day... i played games... she was editing her movie and i was rotting in my mind. This cycle of thots is endless. I cannot divert my mind elsewhere today and this has been like it for many days now. Just constant thots about everything and anything its almost garbage. This can't be called 'thinking' because that is voluntary but with me its an automated process. The moment i wake up my mind picks up at 440kmph in a second and it only stops when i sleep. I dont remember my dreams thats because my mind or the sub-conscious has no one thot to weave a dream about!

Like i said i rarely get headaches and thats only when i am supremely stressed, i can't sit down to begin de-stressing myself bcoz my mind begins to wander. In a psychologists term i am going mad.

Not everything has a happy ending... somethings just end.. without a thot or emotion. Thats when too many emotions go into it and suddenly it becomes too overbearing. The hurt, the pain, the tears, the joy, the smile and simple things attached are no longer special. I actually believe (still) that everything has a happy ending... if its not happy its not the end... but may be somethings dont end either. They just dissolve. Meaninglessly... somethings never end....

Nevertheless, these fleeting thots i know can be put to rest only when i want to, i want to put an end to it but i can't catch hold of a single thot, the thots just keep going on and dont stop... but i know only i can stop my thots but....

Men-tal things

Just back from a sumptuous dinner at Trishna. Somebody else had a feast at our cost tonyt... this uncle from US of the A (on some other table. I'd be rather embarrassed to have an uncle like him)! He chewed on our brains for a good 2 hours until we left, he paid for the food and drinks and chewed on us for free. He was so high and so loud that everybody, by the time each one of us left, would have known all his distance kins. I know by now that he lives in New Jersey with his family, he likes Houston and thinks its the best place to live in outside India, its good that his sister did not sell off her New York property and that the board outside CST spelt 'shit' instead 'sheet' in hindi!

Men can be such sham sometimes i feel. They feel they are the best bred species on the planet and nothing is wrong with them but thats not true! Have you ever noticed things about men in general?

> Men take longer than women to dress up! and the dressing up begins with 30 mins of crap time!
> Men will never admit to having an ego but strike the wrong and then see the fun!
> Men gossip as much as women do, i guess more sometimes
> When a man enters a pub/public place, he will glance through the space and check out every girl magically with the corner of his eyes. And that is even if he has a girlfriend around his arms
> Every man likes to be admired but they don't admit to it.
> this is something i have observed in almost all men alike. Whenever they see a mirror or anything that reflects they HAVE to stand by and brush their hair or crease their shirt. Its so awesomely funny...

Men when they are drunk are the funniest species on earth i swear! it's such a show that i'd stay up to see all the fun. So many times my friends got drunk and had the same things to say over and over again that i almost know what will come next...the most common things i've heard are

> Tu toh mera bhai hai bhai
> Tu mera sachha yaar hai
> Merko chadhi nahi hai... yeh to kuch bhi nahi hai, main to aur bhi pii sakta hoon!
> Saala aa tujhe batata hoon... himmat hai to aa...teri toh *&%#@#&(
> Main tujhse ek dil ki baat kehna chahta hoon...
> jeevan mithya hai baaki sab ch^$%^% hai...
> maa ki aankh duniyadari ki..Bhaad mein jaaye duniya(3rd peg)
> phir phone nahi utha rahi...(4th peg)

Well anyway... i am darn sleepy ryt now, i rarely get headaches and my temples are pounding ryt now. Need to sleep to fix it!

Raat

Raat…

Gehri raat
Kaali raat
Andheri raat
Mayoos raat

Sadko pe sirf kutte hain
Gine chune do log hain
Nukkad pe beedi cigarette
Aur kambal odhe footpath par palte sapne

Kitni ghinoni hai raat
Kitni manhoos hai raat
Na kuch dikhta hai na
Kuch samjhta hai… bas kaali raat


Din achha hai…
Sab dikhta hai
Bhale hi woh chhalava ho
Aur andhere se bhi gehri andhapan ho

Magar din achha hai!

Kyon din pasand hai?
Sirf roshni ke liye?
Shayad raat ko dekhne ka nazariya badal do
To raat bhi achhi lagey

Na bhoolein
Jo din, din bhar thakata hai
Wahin raat chain dilate hai

Jo din aankh moondne ka waqt nahi deta
Wahi raat ko sapne ka shahar basata hai

To raat buri kahan hui?
Shayad humein hi andhere se darr lagta ho
Kyonki humne gehrayi mein jhaankne ki aadat nahi rahi

Raat…
Gehri kaali andheri ho ya mayoos
Din ke ujalon ko chutti dekar do pal sulati hai raat
Taaki uske jaane par fir subah ho sakey.

Home coming

I am back from a long weekend and a lot of nostalgia from home town. Every visit home is always blissful. This time was a bit different. It was a homecoming of sorts. Everybody from all corners of the planet had come down for an ex-indore mirchi alumni and it had to be fun.

Its very warming to know that friends can really remain friends even if you meet them after years you'd still have more than a Hi! to say to them. We had to hit off instantly sharing gossip from the time we parted to the latest buzz in life. We couldnt stop talking for all the time we were together. The loud music and booze only raised our spirits ;-)

Going back home was strangely different this time... i hope we have more such alumni in the years to come to reassure to ourselves that there is still goodness around and we re-live the best years of our lives over and over again...

Decolored in the sun

I finally awakened to the fact that i have officially become the "Old generation". Not funny at all... suddenly when i look into the mirror now i see grey hair popping out of my skull that i was hiding with my funny hair do for many years, i suddenly feel tired and haggard like i have walked a million miles, am feeling OLD! Yeah that's the word...OLD!

My roomie's sister is 24-25, the sisters friend is mentally 16 but must be 24 yrs old, my cousins are the same age bracket ie 24-25... my younger cousins are even younger... 21!!! Damn! I WAS 21 some 6 yrs ago! i already feel really really old and many generations away from them. There is genuinely such a lot of difference between all of us in terms of thinking, our likes and dislike and our expressions!

This young girl Anita (Anay-ta is how she calls herself!) likes Imraan Khan... how old is he...25! She can't stop drooling over him... i can't find him drool material from any angle whatsoever... am still stuck on Shahrukh Khan who has acted with a girl half his age... 23! who calls him UNCLE.. i mean UNCLE???? i have grown old really...

i feel out of place in most conversations with these young gangs...i dunno how uncomfortable they must be with a generation next like me... in my head i haven't crossed 23 though... i feel absolutely fine and rocking and quiet capable of doing most stupid things like a 16 yr old. But its only when such yuppy, juvenile and totally inane things happen to me that i realize i have grown to level two.

My hair have actually decolored due to age and not in the sun... i have to take it with a pinch of pepper and gulp it down without breathing... i haven't aged... i have matured (few english words that can console me for the time being ;) )

A matter of change!

I am undergoing a makeover. Change of wardrobe, change of look change of attitude! I guess the most crucial change in me is the change of attitude. I have been contemplating this change for a long time now, trying to introspect and find my soul again. I had exalted everything in my life including the sob and the upbeat.

You know the bit of soul searching always ends at U! I am glad it din't take me zillion years to figure that out. All the change of attire look and exterior is more to do with how to instantly feel good. Clothes are just emblematic of your present state of mind. If you're bright and chirpy you tend to dress upbeat. If your gloomy it reflects in the way you dress... you'd pick the shabbiest dress, not iron it and just not bother. Clothes are a very cursory thing of your mind. But i am fine with it... if my exterior changes noticeably i feel good inside and i atleast begin the process of change. Well so looking forward to meeting people who care and trigger the process of change in me.

I already feel better and i loving every bit of the change.

Reminisce

'Ya ru ba ru... oh chaddu i love u....'
I couldnt stop laughing every time he sang this song! .. and she blushed... ran around... trying to duck him.. and he chased her.. the whole office witnessed this mad love story that wasn't one! He'd sing this song to her and she's beat him up every time. I just saw the video today and remembered good ol times.

I miss most things in life that time has taken away. I enjoyed them then, i cherish them now. Little did i know then that those moments that i was living will be engraved on my mind forever like fossils and whenever they are uncovered, they will only be pleasant surprises. I grew as a wild child breaking people's windows, ruining property and beating other kids up. Too bad, but i loved it. I had my favorite picks in the group who would get trashed everytime they appeared in front of me. Vaidehi was one of them, although we all feared her bulldozer mom and her amrish puri dad but nonetheless it was always fun to pick on her. She would happily volunteer to get fooled. My next bait was Gaurav who so sick and slimy that one could easily mistake him for a sloth. He got slapped everyday. While i picked on people i was usually the sheep in school, had to be.. that's a kinda balancing act. But i was never bullied fortunately.

I am self confessed insult machine and can never talk straight to anybody. It's a kick i get by pulling sarcy jokes at people. While in Jaipur aashi was the center of all my insults for her stature and gluttony, natasha for her blondness and shilpi for her slowness, i had most fun with Chaddu and Atul.

Indore has given me best of friends... going out in the middle of the shows for chai breaks... looooooooong drives about 5 kms LOL (Indore ends beyond that)pubbing out with girls and scandalizing people, looooooooong chats in office conf room that had no head no tail... playing out songs loudly and breaking into a dance when clients would walk in totally shocked! Prateek would come and draw his stick figurines on my white board and every place that he could scribble on... iti sang out songs that we never understood... charu and her sutta and gussa... deepta with her gyanvani... kunal and his eccentricity...Life was good really... clean fun of growing up days with the first office which will never be forgotten. Charu, Iti, Deepta... Kunal... ur the best...

Jaipur has been the most tenure so far where work was really fun. I was on my own, out of home for the first time and i made the most of it. Late nyts,without permissions or questions asked... eating trash... watching tv till late nyts... friends.. partying...

I can only remember good times and smile i lived them. Thanks to all who have been a part of my good times!

Standing Alone

Here i am...
Its cold out here
the breeze on my face is only freezing my expression
as i churn my teeth not because of cold
but because of resentment.

from here i can only see everything down below
and it doesnt look as good as it looked up above.
its just too cold up here

as i try to blanket my self
i keep away a lot of things
but hey! i am after all protecting myself.

am not arrogant, nor am i prudish
i am saving my energies
coz if have to go down,
its a long walk up again

here i am
alone
with every thing looking closer than ever
yet so far

every twinkle of the star
every ray of the sun
every depression of the moon
was an illusion that shattered too soon

here i am
gathering every bit of me
that was swept away by the cold breeze
igniting the warmth inside

Here i am
Standing alone
only to turn around and see
that your standing by me!