I have just re-opened blogger i think i had to write something. Am feeling lost from the past few days and i feel like writing down everything that comes to my mind because when i am ok i want to remember how it is to be lost.
Sometimes the perks of being SANE do not really remain perks forever. It becomes a compulsion then to be sane all the time even when you don' really feel like it. Its worse to pretend to be so. So lame i feel today sitting in front of the screen not knowing what to write. This is happening for the first time that i am at loss of words. The urge to write still persists.
The gloom in the weather is adding to my blues. Even the vapors from the hot cuppa tea are clouding my mind. Sane, i want to be, but somehow the defination of sanity has changed to me. I think a lot these days, atleast i try to. And i am thinking that need can make you so weak sometimes. Psychologically you get into the begging mode and become small. Its a demotivator. There are occasions when you hesitate to ask even for small things pens and pencils imagine asking for love affection and attention from someone. Things can be really cruel at such times. I am talking about a friend who was very jovial and forthcoming but suddenly turned her back when i asked for a favor, personal and professional. I was slightly dissapointed but i understood quickly how weak i must have looked to her for her to turn her back on me ignore me and block me from her mind. I felt pretty disgusted about it for sometime. Even about myself for a while till i realised anybody who asks for anything, however worthy he may be, will always bend down hence look smaller to you.
Anyway, I am dazed and i must do something to get over my blues before i get choked.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Thursday, June 19, 2008
Right and Left
Your right is my left, my left is your right so how can i be wrong? To the world if your right your right, if your wrong your left!!!
Its the people who have created words like 'perspective' 'thoughts' 'values' 'mind' 'logic' rationale' and they conviniently forget them. Right and wrong is such an individually driven opinion. What may seem right to you may not be right for me. Doesnt mean i am wrong, it just means my opinion is different. And that is purely because my brain functions differently than yours.
There can be several reasons why i think the way i do. I am brought up differently, my envoirnment is different, my reactions are different and simply because i am a different individual. I have my own independant brain that functions and questions and i cant help it. I cannot stop reasoning and differing and follow the pact like blind sheep.
For years the question of being right and wrong has been debated. I was going through this article on the net that quoted ' What would you do if, during World War II, you were hiding some Jewish people in your home and a Nazi soldier came to your door and asked if there were any Jews inside? Would you tell the truth and consign these innocent people to death, or would you lie to protect them? Most people respond to this question with the “logical conclusion,” that they would lie and protect the Jews'
This question is based on morals but it is a perfect example of how right or wrong depends on the individual and the circumstance at that time. I remember my grandma telling me stories when elders teach you how not to lie to be better humans. Ironically, somebody said that a lie told to save someone's life is never counted as a lie. Which means it may be a lie to u and not to me at that time.
On another site - Primatologists like Frans de Waal have long argued that the roots of human morality are evident in social animals like apes and monkeys. The animals’ feelings of empathy and expectations of reciprocity are essential behaviors for mammalian group living and can be regarded as a counterpart of human morality.Marc D. Hauser, a Harvard biologist, has built on this idea to propose that people are born with a moral grammar wired into their neural circuits by evolution. In a new book, “Moral Minds” (HarperCollins 2006), he argues that the grammar generates instant moral judgments which, in part because of the quick decisions that must be made in life-or-death situations, are inaccessible to the conscious mind. People are generally unaware of this process because the mind is adept at coming up with plausible rationalizations for why it arrived at a decision generated subconsciously. If this is true and proved, it will shake the very basis of Right and Wrong.
Who makes right and wrong? Somebody who felt guilt after doing something must have felt that this particular thing is wrong... and A particular thing is right just because it makes u socially acceptable. How cool is that? if there was to be so much uniformity in the way people are we would have had one GIANT GOD BRAIN to control all of us humans. We would not have been planted with independant brains ryt? The article also has an interesting example 'Assume now you are on a bridge overlooking the track. Ahead, five people on the track are at risk. You can save them by throwing down a heavy object into the path of the approaching train. One is available beside you, in the form of a fat man. Is it O.K. to push him to save the five?
Most people say no, although lives saved and lost are the same as in the first problem.
Why does the moral grammar generate such different judgments in apparently similar situations? It makes a distinction, Dr. Hauser writes, between a foreseen harm (the train killing the person on the track) and an intended harm (throwing the person in front of the train), despite the fact that the consequences are the same in either case. It also rates killing an animal as more acceptable than killing a person.'
Most people say no, although lives saved and lost are the same as in the first problem.
Why does the moral grammar generate such different judgments in apparently similar situations? It makes a distinction, Dr. Hauser writes, between a foreseen harm (the train killing the person on the track) and an intended harm (throwing the person in front of the train), despite the fact that the consequences are the same in either case. It also rates killing an animal as more acceptable than killing a person.'
Interesting i must say! I have often encountered this situation of being stuck between a right and a wrong. Unfortunately i have been on the wrong side most of the times and felt guilty about it for a long long time. Now i dont which is why i am writing all this. Nobody is wrong, not that everything is right! But one must always weight the reasons circumstances and background of each right or wrong... these two words can actually change a lot of thing around us... Relationships for sure! I have only thing to say, think what you think is right if that makes you happy coz for me you are wrong!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
' Never Been to Goa Girl' ...not anymore!
I was in office as usual surfing sites and travelling places in my head. Just then i get a call from a frend asking if i'd want to go to goa ... Tomorrow! There is no 'NO' in my dictionary so i was set!!! I couldn't believe it will be so easy, after all the planning and falling out in all the previous zillion times it cant be so easy. But i was goin!!!
It was too late for us to catch anything on land and we dint wanna waste time as well so we hopped on to a plane. I heard this is one of the most awesome times in Goa coz its off season to begin with and the place is less crowded so u can enjoy the sea all to urself... also the rains convert Goa into a tropical paradise. So i was glad am going at a time where i can explore the 'It' town!
Our trip was totally random, we planned everything on our way including accomodation. So on our way to finding this sea side resort we decided to stay in Ronil which is in Calangute near Baga. The one hour drive from the airport to the hotel had worn us out ocmpletely and we checked in and straight went for some grub. The obvious choice was Tito's 
So we boozed with the dim and cozy ambience just adding to the spirit and rain playing the usual seducer. Food was a bit expensive but all for the name, we did not mind. A Honey Suckle Cocktail to begin with and then a breezer with some awesome Prawns goan style left us slurping over the food. For main course we had another Prawns Dish with Thai rice.... so full that we could barely walk back to our hotel which was just 10 mins away from Tito's. The town was seemingly lazy and we saw humankind zipping past us looking at us as if we are species from other planet. Understandably so coz we were the only two girls roaming around at that time in Goa. Anwyay room was fantastic and i was eager to get up early like never before have i waited for the sunrise.
Day 1 i was the first to wake up as usual. We had no toothpaste how dumb! and we chose to walk out just like that! ... and so we did... straight into the sea! Baga beach was just 10mins away from out hotel and that excited me a lot. No shower no nothing we were merrily enjoying the drizzle over the sea and dissolving in the tides until lifegaurds came and threw us out. 'High tide hai madam, andar nahi jaaneka'...thanks we said... for being a spoil sport. After being soaked from head to toe we headed to this shack and had breakfast at noon. What a life i say! Mint tea, french fries, mushroom on toast and bhajiya... and we were set for the day. After a quick shower we hired a scooter and headed straight to Fort Aguada. My sister had recommended this place highly. She had been to Goa on her school trip years ago. The weather was just fine for a two wheeler drive around the tranquil roads where people stared at us like we came straight from Neptune! But we were enjoying that as well. Most bikers zipping past us and making cheeky comments like "hi GIRLS" i mean we are grown ups and older than most men who passed comments, "hi pretty, want taxi" no thank u as of now i wanna puke....ewwww i mean Goa is where most foreigners come through the year and how can people be so cheeky with tourists? Anyway we were reverse aging in Goa, atleast we felt younger after all those comments. Fort Aguaga was just amazing. One of the most spectacular views i saw in a long time and what amazed me was the play of coulds on the sea bed. There was dark shadow on some parts and in this silver light from one tunnel in the cloud. 
I hadn't seen this before in my life. From this point up there you could see the endless sea that seemed to be spilling over the horizon and drippping over on to the other part of the globe. Stunning.
I hadn't seen this before in my life. From this point up there you could see the endless sea that seemed to be spilling over the horizon and drippping over on to the other part of the globe. Stunning. Suddenly there was a cloud burst and it started pouring again. There was a waterfall of rainwater on the stairs and we were stuck. Just when it slowed down and we thought it wouldn't rain now, we walked out and made a move to go to Panjim. On our way it began to pour so heavily that we could barely see anything. I got drenched completely since i was driving we thought we will return to the hotel and we had to yet drive almost 10 kms to Calangute. My back went for a toss struggling to sit straight and battling the strong rain just about sitting upright on the edge of the seat with my friend trying hard to save our bags and cameras from getting wet. When we reached Calngute it had stopped raining and we got down at a few shops that we saw open for the first time! Shopping is something every woman would do and thats wot we did too. Night falls and we get ready for the dinner party. We were in so much pain and so tired we din't want to walk too much so we went to a near by hang out and had booze and like most places in Goa this one too served awesome prawns fry and surmai fry!
Day 2 began with aching bones and throbbing muscles. The sky was clear and we decided to go out shopping. We had lunch at the shack on the beach and strolled around to see Baga river merging into the arabian sea and then headed straight to Calangute to shop. With wotever little was open we could manage to gather some goodies for people and were dog tired. We walked upto the famous Calangte beach and it was so dirty and crowded that we decided to walk back. It was a good 6pm then i couldnt walk anymore. In that day alone we walked around 10km from our hotel to the beach back to the hotel then to the ATM to the the market and to Calangute beach and back to the Hotel, Phew! The hotel we were in on arrival had a party over the weekend and we were deprived coz we had to vacate our room and moved to the adjoining hotel. The party was on till we reached and we were jealous! Not that the party was good but becoz there was a celebration going on, and that too Goan style... so we went to this place opposite to Tito's and decided to make our last night in Goa a bit low key. The fact is we were too tired to do anything but sit in one place. So we had booze again and called for the most most raise to power infinity amazing prawns (again! but goa has other food also) so far. Some prawns 65 that they call it for namesake was divine. We ate and ate till we lost count of how much we ate.
Day 3 we were gonna leave by noon and wanted to hit the beach before we left. So 9am as soon as we got out of our beds we were in the sea. I sat away on the shore for an hour just listening to the sounds of the sea trying to decode what it meant. It was hypnotising and i got lost for that time. Then the current grew stronger and the sun came out full on and there i was in the sea. The waves madly splashed over our faces and we enjoyed the 2 hours only to take back fun memories of Goa to share with frens.
Goa has been my first absolutely unplanned trip just the way i wanted it to be. Awesome is a small word to consolidate all the fun i had in Goa in just a word. Have already planned our next trip and cant wait to go... Goa we shall return!
Goa thru my eyes : http://picasaweb.google.com/preeti.phalke/Goa?authkey=afqY3nOnlu8
Monday, June 09, 2008
BLOG KAI VAACHTAY... KAAM NAHI KA???
Pune - the only word that comes to my mind with the mention of Pune is Blunt... and all the synonyms of the word. I lived for a good 5 years in Pune and i have seen the most colorful people in terms of rudeness. The sheer variety of 'how one can be rude' is fascinating i can write a book on it! The title of my blog is also inspired by it hehe..
I was surfing the net for a good laugh since i was gloomy today and actually telling you no better way to cheer up than to read some hillarious PUNERI PATYA or Puneri noticeboards. For people who understand marathi know about it already, but for people who do not, i have only one thing to say 'you are deprived'. These are embodiments of rudeness, the limit of being in your face, the only example of bluntness and the result of extreme frustration!!!
I am pasting some here with their translations where i am sure most fun would be lost... but i would love it if you can have a laugh only reading the marathi. Specially take note of the negativity in them. Every note will have only 'DO NOTS' them to teach you what not to do. I love Pune and i salute the spirit of these people who have put these PATYA up for all morbid souls like me to bring a smile on our faces.
(This is a trasnformer, this is not a trash can, absolutely do not put trash in here. Do not paste ads)
Literal translation...Eh... self explanatory!
Pls do see this site www.puneripatya.com
Thursday, May 29, 2008
I AM DEMOCRACY
Yes i am... because i have the right to what i want, i have the right to say what i want and i have the right to go where i want to. My country has given me this right and if i break a lamp post tomorrow nobody can stop me! If i extort money from the poor how can you question me? I will sit on a 'aamaran anshan' if you do not fulfill my demands, i will destroy national property because i want something and you are not giving it to me. I love my country but i won't stay here all my life... i will not stand up for the national anthem...dude its just a song!
That's how your democratic 'janta' thinks these days. They feel its their birth and civic right to bloddy do what they want to coz that is what democracy is right!? Or that's how we interpret it or want it to be? When a person is given rights in the name of freedom it seldom extends to taking various liberties. That's what i have seen lately. I don't need to be a soldier to love my country. I am a citizen and i feel proud to be part of the world's largest democracy. When India got independance it wasn't even on the back of anybody's mind that democracy so conviniently will be translated into liberties. Our country today has become more libertarian than democratic. Everyone does what they want and get away with it!
Now why i am writing these provocative words is because i was watching news in the morning and was highly disturbed by the menace in Rajasthan. Roads have been blocked, trains have been cancelled and a curfew has been imposed in NCR and Noida and all because a few sect of people want reservation quota for them! We all anticipated this as this aint the first time this community has been voilatile. Now this is democracy and i will do what i want... see the difference? By the good old books in our constitution democracy in this situation means ' i have a demand and i want you to hear me out, there has to be a way of fulfilling my demands also'... but look what libertarians do!
This country is filled with people of freewill. I am free and i will! Everybody exercises their freewill in their capacities and worst is when people at responsible posts make use of it. The Aarushi murder case is a classic example - after hours of not getting even a ion closer to the murderer the police suddenly sprung up one day saying they found the culprit. I dont want to comment on how true they are since its subjudice but because they were under pressure from media and the govt the named people and we all know that. For years the most highly placed people have been the most frivilous of the lot and i am talking out of experience. I sometimes pity the state of this country because if it was at all run by people then it would not have been the way it is.
Everything is fantastic about India but the crime rate and the dirt. Vast number of uneducated class has ruined the country. There is a large mass of educated illiterates as well. I was at nariman point last week and sipped tea gazing at the sun set. I turned around to find a dustbin but there was none! I was amazed because its evidently a posh area and some chic 7 stars around but no dustbins! The guy besides me asked me to throw it away in the water but i felt terrible about it. We walked almost a strecth of 1km to find the nearest dustbin. While i was walking i saw a filthy rich woman with servants walking her dogs bought some Chana and threw the paper right near the dustbin. I stood in horror! You are much more educated than the Chanawala... what happens to the civic sense suddenly? Why curse anybody else that they dirty our city?
The Scarlette murder case was merrily covered by the police and when the case got international attention it had already tarnished the image of the country, our systems and our efficiency. Why would anybody want to believe we are sane and civilised people?
Its a case that when parents give too much freedom to their children they end up in a mess always. Freedom then goes on taking a few liberties... staying up late, staying over at friends' place, partying a LITTLE late in the night and so on.. that's just the beginning! And the day arrives when parents realise that the freedom which is so called "olryt" with them has gone too far! Same applies to the country. If our fellas were so capable of running the country or even contributing in teeny veeny way, don't you think we would have been better placed in the world map?
Look at the generation whom your allowing democracy for. Cinemas play national anthem and the caution says stand up so everybody stands. But recently the movie Krazzy 4 had the national anthem in it and the entire hall kept thinking and sat in a dilemma! We were a large bunch and we stood up instantly... while others got up looking at us. Why are we ashamed of standing up for the national anthem? Does it make you 'uncool'??? I was dismayed about the fact that the country will be full of more such people in the future who think 'liberty' is cool and democracy is civic book lesson!
Corruption is perhaps at its all time high, prices going up like there is no tomorrow, people destroying public and national property as of it belongs to their forefathers. I guess its time that the govt takes control of the situation in this country. Civics books need to be re-written and the generation needs to embibe democracy in their regular lives. Democracy means the you are party to all decisions to be made and that's your importance. I we were so capable we would not need heads to run the country. I really wish this country together with people solve the matter democratically! Let's all work towards a better future... nothing can stop us from bein a superpower anyway with our GDP crossing USA's in another 20 yrs, the future only seems brighter.
I am not democracy, i form the democracy... i am a part of it...
That's how your democratic 'janta' thinks these days. They feel its their birth and civic right to bloddy do what they want to coz that is what democracy is right!? Or that's how we interpret it or want it to be? When a person is given rights in the name of freedom it seldom extends to taking various liberties. That's what i have seen lately. I don't need to be a soldier to love my country. I am a citizen and i feel proud to be part of the world's largest democracy. When India got independance it wasn't even on the back of anybody's mind that democracy so conviniently will be translated into liberties. Our country today has become more libertarian than democratic. Everyone does what they want and get away with it!
Now why i am writing these provocative words is because i was watching news in the morning and was highly disturbed by the menace in Rajasthan. Roads have been blocked, trains have been cancelled and a curfew has been imposed in NCR and Noida and all because a few sect of people want reservation quota for them! We all anticipated this as this aint the first time this community has been voilatile. Now this is democracy and i will do what i want... see the difference? By the good old books in our constitution democracy in this situation means ' i have a demand and i want you to hear me out, there has to be a way of fulfilling my demands also'... but look what libertarians do!
This country is filled with people of freewill. I am free and i will! Everybody exercises their freewill in their capacities and worst is when people at responsible posts make use of it. The Aarushi murder case is a classic example - after hours of not getting even a ion closer to the murderer the police suddenly sprung up one day saying they found the culprit. I dont want to comment on how true they are since its subjudice but because they were under pressure from media and the govt the named people and we all know that. For years the most highly placed people have been the most frivilous of the lot and i am talking out of experience. I sometimes pity the state of this country because if it was at all run by people then it would not have been the way it is.
Everything is fantastic about India but the crime rate and the dirt. Vast number of uneducated class has ruined the country. There is a large mass of educated illiterates as well. I was at nariman point last week and sipped tea gazing at the sun set. I turned around to find a dustbin but there was none! I was amazed because its evidently a posh area and some chic 7 stars around but no dustbins! The guy besides me asked me to throw it away in the water but i felt terrible about it. We walked almost a strecth of 1km to find the nearest dustbin. While i was walking i saw a filthy rich woman with servants walking her dogs bought some Chana and threw the paper right near the dustbin. I stood in horror! You are much more educated than the Chanawala... what happens to the civic sense suddenly? Why curse anybody else that they dirty our city?
The Scarlette murder case was merrily covered by the police and when the case got international attention it had already tarnished the image of the country, our systems and our efficiency. Why would anybody want to believe we are sane and civilised people?
Its a case that when parents give too much freedom to their children they end up in a mess always. Freedom then goes on taking a few liberties... staying up late, staying over at friends' place, partying a LITTLE late in the night and so on.. that's just the beginning! And the day arrives when parents realise that the freedom which is so called "olryt" with them has gone too far! Same applies to the country. If our fellas were so capable of running the country or even contributing in teeny veeny way, don't you think we would have been better placed in the world map?
Look at the generation whom your allowing democracy for. Cinemas play national anthem and the caution says stand up so everybody stands. But recently the movie Krazzy 4 had the national anthem in it and the entire hall kept thinking and sat in a dilemma! We were a large bunch and we stood up instantly... while others got up looking at us. Why are we ashamed of standing up for the national anthem? Does it make you 'uncool'??? I was dismayed about the fact that the country will be full of more such people in the future who think 'liberty' is cool and democracy is civic book lesson!
Corruption is perhaps at its all time high, prices going up like there is no tomorrow, people destroying public and national property as of it belongs to their forefathers. I guess its time that the govt takes control of the situation in this country. Civics books need to be re-written and the generation needs to embibe democracy in their regular lives. Democracy means the you are party to all decisions to be made and that's your importance. I we were so capable we would not need heads to run the country. I really wish this country together with people solve the matter democratically! Let's all work towards a better future... nothing can stop us from bein a superpower anyway with our GDP crossing USA's in another 20 yrs, the future only seems brighter.
I am not democracy, i form the democracy... i am a part of it...
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Goddess of Small things
That i am... i have this strange and rare capability of finding happiness in the smallest molecule of events. Really, almost anything can make me happy... the scent of the soil after the first rain, seeing the endless sea, a sip of piping hot tea, simple vada paav, nice fresh fish, an email from a friend i have not been in touch with for years, just waking up early, fitting into an old pair of jeans, a good joke, being with friends, being in the mountains, walking in the woods, seeing a beautiful landscape, oh yes... i was happy when i got a tattoo, saving 4rs on the rickshaw fare and giving it out to the old beggars, watching a good movie, seeing a happy face, seeing good stuff on TV, hearing in the news about a case being solved, seeing sombody happy, making someone happy, just sitting and whiling time without no purpose, talking to stray animals and smile when i realise that they actually do not understand my language but sense the affection. There is more but i do not intend to make a 1001 list of things that make me happy! The point to convey is its simple to be happy and anything makes me happy.I am told its a rare quality so, makes me proud to posses it. Life is simple and so are emotions and feelings. We complicate it by the way we think. I believe everything in this world is good unless someone decides otherwise. Everyone can be happy coz it really is a state of mind. You can feel happy just because you want to and purely without a reason. Its how and where you find happiness.
Very often happiness comes disguised in the smallest things that we seldom take notice of. We are so engrossed on the larger picture that this tiny molecule of happiness just goes by without being noticed. People who are sad and upset about things are ones who only see the big things and look for happiness in it. I was becoming like that for some time. I was losing myself and the ability to find joy in every element. I had to gather myself and run back to who i was. That was a terrifying period of being lost in a mindspace which is not ur own.
Life is really simple - you are born, your grow up, you eat sleep play, you age and then you die. There is hardly any choice left. But the choice we can make is chosing to be happy. I feel happy about the fact that i have a shelter on my head when thousand others don't, i feel happy that i manage to get two square meals when people die of hunger, i am happy that i am earning enough to survive and happy that i am alive to enjoy all what is given to me. Very idealistic? no, try it.
The moment you start paying attention to the small packets of joy it will come to you automatically. Its not secret or no gyaan, its the simplest philosophy of life. I get affected by small things, i get happy about the smallest and life has been so far so good.
Endless dream
You sleep every night only to wake up with a new dream everyday. But here am not going to talk about the daily dreams, i am talking about the big dreams that you have, the one that you live for or the one that drives you.
My friend has a dream that he chases like the ultimate goal of his life. He lives for the dream and says would die if the dream died. I was wondering if i had any such thing to live by. For me there is not one dream that i chase. I am very restless by nature hence i cannot live by one thing forever. I need dynamism to drive me and that is why i was so unclear about what i wanted to do in life. When i was a child till i grew up in my teens i wanted to be an archeologist because of my keen interest in history and finding treasures. Then i wanted to be an astronomer gazing stars and naming my own galaxy but those dreams came down crashing when i realised i needed to study, that too science and math and i needed more marks and then study harder all my life!!!! Whatever happened to all the fun on job! Vicious cycle! I had once even thought of being a fashion designer thinking that was cool! So when i enrolled mylsef in the Advertising course in an arts college everybody thought i am a loser. But in the three years of college i made a name for myself in my study area which eventually became my profession. Media!
I do not know what else to do apart from being in media. I have not known anything but being creative and making new things everyday. I was creative from childhood when i watched these craft shows on TV and made them at home. My house was filled with crafts that i made but i never thought i'd make a career out of it. I joined radio where i was doing something new for 7 yrs everyday and that really kept me going until one day i stopped and asked myself, 'is this what i really want to do?' The answer was no. I kept looking for answer for a long time. I had grown in radio from being a college grad to a creative team leader and the journey was fascinating. But there was something missing and i could not find out what. I left radio and i have joined TV now. I get a feeling this is what i want to do in life.
I am restless and dreams don't come to me anymore. I feel there is much more that i am capable of doing. I had begun writing in the last year of my radio career. I was writing stories, scripts, blogs just about anything. I felt tremendous sense of satisfaction when i wrote. I still feel there is more to me to be explored. I never dreamt of being anything when i was a child. Perhaps that is the reason why i am so fidgety about things. Or may be i have never explored and understood my own capabilities.
When i watch TV and see other people doing such a lot of creative stuff i get very excited and motivated to do something like that. I saw this show where i saw a Travel experience designer and i thought WOW so cool to do something like that! Then i saw this girl whose paintings have become so popular that she has come out with a clothes and accessory line by the same name... and i thought why can i not do something like this? The thing is i feel in complete control when i create something. I feel i can do it the way i like it and my mind is the supreme nucleus of ideas then! I am inspired by design. I feel very strongly these days that i won't be working for long now. I may perhaps open my own venture very soon, but honestly that's just a very strong feeling coz i haven't decided what i want to do in life.
I see myself writing a lot, i see myself directing a movie, may be even opening my own label someday. My dream - is to dream everyday. These everyday dreams keep me alive everyday coz i havent seen tomorrow and all i know is today. If i can dream for today i can make my today worthwhile. As for now.... am still trying to figure out what is the ultimate calling of my life. I really want to know the purpose of my existance. My dreams are endless and so is my chase!
My friend has a dream that he chases like the ultimate goal of his life. He lives for the dream and says would die if the dream died. I was wondering if i had any such thing to live by. For me there is not one dream that i chase. I am very restless by nature hence i cannot live by one thing forever. I need dynamism to drive me and that is why i was so unclear about what i wanted to do in life. When i was a child till i grew up in my teens i wanted to be an archeologist because of my keen interest in history and finding treasures. Then i wanted to be an astronomer gazing stars and naming my own galaxy but those dreams came down crashing when i realised i needed to study, that too science and math and i needed more marks and then study harder all my life!!!! Whatever happened to all the fun on job! Vicious cycle! I had once even thought of being a fashion designer thinking that was cool! So when i enrolled mylsef in the Advertising course in an arts college everybody thought i am a loser. But in the three years of college i made a name for myself in my study area which eventually became my profession. Media!
I do not know what else to do apart from being in media. I have not known anything but being creative and making new things everyday. I was creative from childhood when i watched these craft shows on TV and made them at home. My house was filled with crafts that i made but i never thought i'd make a career out of it. I joined radio where i was doing something new for 7 yrs everyday and that really kept me going until one day i stopped and asked myself, 'is this what i really want to do?' The answer was no. I kept looking for answer for a long time. I had grown in radio from being a college grad to a creative team leader and the journey was fascinating. But there was something missing and i could not find out what. I left radio and i have joined TV now. I get a feeling this is what i want to do in life.
I am restless and dreams don't come to me anymore. I feel there is much more that i am capable of doing. I had begun writing in the last year of my radio career. I was writing stories, scripts, blogs just about anything. I felt tremendous sense of satisfaction when i wrote. I still feel there is more to me to be explored. I never dreamt of being anything when i was a child. Perhaps that is the reason why i am so fidgety about things. Or may be i have never explored and understood my own capabilities.
When i watch TV and see other people doing such a lot of creative stuff i get very excited and motivated to do something like that. I saw this show where i saw a Travel experience designer and i thought WOW so cool to do something like that! Then i saw this girl whose paintings have become so popular that she has come out with a clothes and accessory line by the same name... and i thought why can i not do something like this? The thing is i feel in complete control when i create something. I feel i can do it the way i like it and my mind is the supreme nucleus of ideas then! I am inspired by design. I feel very strongly these days that i won't be working for long now. I may perhaps open my own venture very soon, but honestly that's just a very strong feeling coz i haven't decided what i want to do in life.
I see myself writing a lot, i see myself directing a movie, may be even opening my own label someday. My dream - is to dream everyday. These everyday dreams keep me alive everyday coz i havent seen tomorrow and all i know is today. If i can dream for today i can make my today worthwhile. As for now.... am still trying to figure out what is the ultimate calling of my life. I really want to know the purpose of my existance. My dreams are endless and so is my chase!
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Conditions Apply
In this supermarket of life everything is up for sale. Right from plastic accessories to relationships and love. Everything is available when you want it.. when you need it... even when you don't! Thats called convinience shopping!
I have spent 30 days now in this city and am kinda astonished how superficial people are. Feelings that are otherwise so deep rooted and hard to be faked are so blatantly sold here. People in their hearts are sold out. I wonder if they love their parents without any intention or motive of give and take. Friendships come with a conditions apply tag. Too many if's and buts in it!
People i have seen most of them have made friends only because they can see their purpose being solved from the other. They meet and hug each other like they are the thickest of friends and they make faces behind their backs while they hug. So then why fake it? But funnily each one of them knows he's being used or befriended for some reason and they are fine that way. I see it as an ego boost to most when people call them, chase them and ask for jobs just because they are something and you are not!
See i don 't mind not feeling for somebody, what i mind is faking what i feel. It is only going to cause trouble in future for me and to others equally. I care two hoots if it hurts you to know i don't think you're a friend... it will hurt you more to know i lied otherwise!
I miss those days of friendships when we shared the same popsicle because my friend did not have money that day, or each of us taking the blames for breaking glasses when we played cricket, dancing in the first rain of the season choking all holes on the terrace and blocking water to make ponds, sharing 2 rupees each to buy stupid and standard gifts for everybody and when given the same making a loud noise about it.... i haven't done a single crazy thing for as many days as i can remember. You are yourself and at best when you are with your friends. But unfortunately when you are with 'fake friends' everything around turns out to be fake only. I find it very difficult to make friends although i can manage to make acquaintances perfectly well. I just cannot pretend! I am one person who will give everything to the friendships i make, but they are very few such!
Many of them time has taken away... many of them circunstances have pulled apart... many i did not feel genuinely for and many who did not feel genuinely for me!
All said and done... this city has taught me relationships of convinience. My bai hasnt come 'Hey what's cooking at your place for dinner?, no water at my house 'hey i got this great gossip, lets plan an all night!' i mean... dude!
Well, the supermarket of life can surely put anything up for sale. As of now i am satisfied with being shocked about relationships on contractual basis...The cat outside my building is more eager frankly, to see me than some of my so called friends. And i have no qualms about it now. I am learning not to make but to fake friendships! Wish me luck!
PS: am writing my next movie script on friendships such an irony it is!
I have spent 30 days now in this city and am kinda astonished how superficial people are. Feelings that are otherwise so deep rooted and hard to be faked are so blatantly sold here. People in their hearts are sold out. I wonder if they love their parents without any intention or motive of give and take. Friendships come with a conditions apply tag. Too many if's and buts in it!
People i have seen most of them have made friends only because they can see their purpose being solved from the other. They meet and hug each other like they are the thickest of friends and they make faces behind their backs while they hug. So then why fake it? But funnily each one of them knows he's being used or befriended for some reason and they are fine that way. I see it as an ego boost to most when people call them, chase them and ask for jobs just because they are something and you are not!
See i don 't mind not feeling for somebody, what i mind is faking what i feel. It is only going to cause trouble in future for me and to others equally. I care two hoots if it hurts you to know i don't think you're a friend... it will hurt you more to know i lied otherwise!
I miss those days of friendships when we shared the same popsicle because my friend did not have money that day, or each of us taking the blames for breaking glasses when we played cricket, dancing in the first rain of the season choking all holes on the terrace and blocking water to make ponds, sharing 2 rupees each to buy stupid and standard gifts for everybody and when given the same making a loud noise about it.... i haven't done a single crazy thing for as many days as i can remember. You are yourself and at best when you are with your friends. But unfortunately when you are with 'fake friends' everything around turns out to be fake only. I find it very difficult to make friends although i can manage to make acquaintances perfectly well. I just cannot pretend! I am one person who will give everything to the friendships i make, but they are very few such!
Many of them time has taken away... many of them circunstances have pulled apart... many i did not feel genuinely for and many who did not feel genuinely for me!
All said and done... this city has taught me relationships of convinience. My bai hasnt come 'Hey what's cooking at your place for dinner?, no water at my house 'hey i got this great gossip, lets plan an all night!' i mean... dude!
Well, the supermarket of life can surely put anything up for sale. As of now i am satisfied with being shocked about relationships on contractual basis...The cat outside my building is more eager frankly, to see me than some of my so called friends. And i have no qualms about it now. I am learning not to make but to fake friendships! Wish me luck!
PS: am writing my next movie script on friendships such an irony it is!
Friday, May 23, 2008
Travel is Living
I was talking to a dear friend last nyt when i was a bit gloomy and low. So while generally chit chatting he told me he recently went to a lot of places backpacking alone and how much fun it was. Fortunately i cannot see my own face coz while the conversation was on i was going green with envy and i am sure i must have looked like a grinch! I couldn't care more about the chit chat and in my mind i was already travelling to the mountains.
They say when you want something real bad, the universe conspires to make it happen for you and how true could that be! I have had this undying urge to recluse into the mountains for some time now. So much so that i have been dreaming about it every other day. Now the first plot of the universal conspiracy - i come across a friend who never showed up for 6 years popping out on gtok and i asked where were you all these days? Pat came his reply "Leh!" .... duh don't even go any further i might jut slap you on chat! He was there for a good 3 months!!! and where am i at such times???
Anyway i thought i am too much of pshyco so i stopped thinking of travel and Plot # 2 - My collegue told me about this 15 day rafting trip he going on to Leh!!! Hello!??? dont tell me! i wish i could go instead... then Plot# 3, i was at this place where there were magazines lying on and i picked one which was a INDIAN SUMMER TRAVEL SPECIAL EDITION... shoot! this can't be pure coincidence ya... its all hinting towards the trip i should plan very soon now... i opened the magazine and my eyes were set on this particular picture of a picturisque lake a little ahead of Manali - Chandratal!
Look at the picture!!!! I couldnt take my eyes off it no matter how much i tried... i carried the magazine with me... today while i am writing this blog i am simultaneously preparing my itenary for Lahaul Spiti sometime in june. Wishful thinking!? No i say.. universe conspired and dragged me into it...
I am jealous of people who travel mite! I really hope i get a job where i get to do what i love doing and stuff that am living for.... i tell you i swear to god i will be the best employee who has a 100% attendance all the time on the job! I watch the travel channel and good time 24x7, like there aint any other channel on TV but i can't help it... they show what i love watching... without being there i have actually been around the world through these channels and i must be their only viewer who knows all the shows, with dialogues and crew members. I have written my own travelogue as if i were Ian Wright of my world! But who cares i lived and re-visited every place while i was writing it!
Do something!!!! i wanna travel!!!!!!!!!!!!!! are u listening god dude??? conspire and make it happen.. i am ready with my bags packed!
Monday, May 19, 2008
The Doomed Knight!
16th May 08, Wankhede: Mumbai Indians Vs Kolkata Knight Riders - Well let me begin by saying i was really excited about this match. REALLY! i cancelled my meetings in the evening, left early from work to reach in time and spent a bomb of money and energy to be there. Its not funny.
I managed to squeeze myself into the crowd of a lakh and secured a place to plant the tip of my feet barely balancing my feet. Just then a mexican wave hit me and i fell off. Struggled to stand up and get a view again and a wicket fell! Gosh! i thot my moving places was a jinx, so i stood where i was standing before and in no time the 2nd wicket fell. Hello!!! i mean it is a match or a practice session?
The stadium went up with a roar as 99.9% public was supporting Mumbai Indians and in that stand of 600 odd i was the only weak tiny lone KKR supporter so feeble i could barely clap for a run scored. I felt like a mouse in that crowd. Just behind me were these few Gujju teenagers who were abusing Shahrukh away to glory and that too in a sing song ' Shahrukh is a b$^%#!d ... neh neh neh neh' .... and some lyrical genius which i am not supposed to write in my blogs! I was outraged... but had to gulp it down because the ratio of SRK to Sachin was 1:1,oo,ooo!
Wickets kept tumbling and runs never ticked. Shahrukh on the big screen at Wankhede looked dismayed and was cursing himself for sure but despite the angst he smiled and blew kisses to his one odd fans in the stands (thats me! since i was the only one supporting KKR) . Actually even if there were many like me who went to support KKR must have converted at the beginning of the match going by the way KKR played. Since i was in the isle, people who walked by kept tripping over me and felling me all the time... i felt like it was happening to me coz i was supporting KKR. There were banners and posters for Mumbai Indians, more than half the stadium in the MI jersey and the typical marathi dhol playing to mexican waves. That's the only thing i enjoyed amidst all the sadness. We did some 7 waves which is cool!
KKR wrapped its glorious innings at a fantastic 68, lowest ever IPL score and knowing how Jayasuriya played in the last match we knew the game would exceed more than 5 overs in their inning. My guess wasn't that bad after all, the scored was achieved in 5.4 overs and only 2 wkts lost. I was so ashamed of myself that in the fear of being mocked i started to cheer for Mumbai Indians. I wish i had met SRK after the match i would have adviced him to change his captain and change the team itself!
This is the 2nd time i went to see a match in the stadium and saw it thru to see my fav team lose! Damn you all ya... i was stuck in the traffic for 1 hr 15 mins, walked some 3 kms upto the stadium since my taxi couldnt go any further, spent all the energy and sweat like a pig and you have no right to dissapoint me! Chalo play an exclusive game for me without an opposing team so that i can see you win.
I came out so disspointed that i pulled a fight with the cops outside who shoved me away thinking i was standing near the Garware gate to see stars come out. I said 'uncle ek toh haar gaye oopar se sochte ho SRK bahar aayega, merko nahi milna tha usko.. ab jaroor milungi' and the cop looked at me with eyes wide open ' maidum thoda baaju ho jao VIP log chillata hai, haar gaye toh haar gaye abhi hum kya karein!' Ya right, what could you do anyway, if you could Mumbai Indians would not have lost their first few matches. But can't deny the fact that when i saw Kunal Kapoor walk out with his new hair do, i was thrilled and stood by to see him. He happily signed autographs for his fans although i still couldn't figure out who he was supporting but i was glad to see him. Then came Zayed Khan in a white Ganji who looked like an alien from Surf Excel-land 'doodh sa safed' chehra and looked around for any trace of some fan shouting his name out only to be dissapointed.
All said and done, Shahrukh i admire you and your courage. You do not lose your calm with all the losses, blogs, accusations and allegations. As if the loss wasn't enough here BMC slapped a warning on his face because SRK smoked in his CAR... in public!!!! Dude!!! get a life i say.... and then he being banned to see his own team in the dugout! I would stand by and support you in anything that you do, unconditionally. Well, one condition - Don't lose! I hate to see you lose.... you have to reach the finals
I retured home at 2am and was so depressed i couldnt sleep... i had promised i will tell you about my Match experience so i am here, i really wish KKR had won so could write more ... but Duh!
I managed to squeeze myself into the crowd of a lakh and secured a place to plant the tip of my feet barely balancing my feet. Just then a mexican wave hit me and i fell off. Struggled to stand up and get a view again and a wicket fell! Gosh! i thot my moving places was a jinx, so i stood where i was standing before and in no time the 2nd wicket fell. Hello!!! i mean it is a match or a practice session?
The stadium went up with a roar as 99.9% public was supporting Mumbai Indians and in that stand of 600 odd i was the only weak tiny lone KKR supporter so feeble i could barely clap for a run scored. I felt like a mouse in that crowd. Just behind me were these few Gujju teenagers who were abusing Shahrukh away to glory and that too in a sing song ' Shahrukh is a b$^%#!d ... neh neh neh neh' .... and some lyrical genius which i am not supposed to write in my blogs! I was outraged... but had to gulp it down because the ratio of SRK to Sachin was 1:1,oo,ooo!
Wickets kept tumbling and runs never ticked. Shahrukh on the big screen at Wankhede looked dismayed and was cursing himself for sure but despite the angst he smiled and blew kisses to his one odd fans in the stands (thats me! since i was the only one supporting KKR) . Actually even if there were many like me who went to support KKR must have converted at the beginning of the match going by the way KKR played. Since i was in the isle, people who walked by kept tripping over me and felling me all the time... i felt like it was happening to me coz i was supporting KKR. There were banners and posters for Mumbai Indians, more than half the stadium in the MI jersey and the typical marathi dhol playing to mexican waves. That's the only thing i enjoyed amidst all the sadness. We did some 7 waves which is cool!
KKR wrapped its glorious innings at a fantastic 68, lowest ever IPL score and knowing how Jayasuriya played in the last match we knew the game would exceed more than 5 overs in their inning. My guess wasn't that bad after all, the scored was achieved in 5.4 overs and only 2 wkts lost. I was so ashamed of myself that in the fear of being mocked i started to cheer for Mumbai Indians. I wish i had met SRK after the match i would have adviced him to change his captain and change the team itself!
This is the 2nd time i went to see a match in the stadium and saw it thru to see my fav team lose! Damn you all ya... i was stuck in the traffic for 1 hr 15 mins, walked some 3 kms upto the stadium since my taxi couldnt go any further, spent all the energy and sweat like a pig and you have no right to dissapoint me! Chalo play an exclusive game for me without an opposing team so that i can see you win.
I came out so disspointed that i pulled a fight with the cops outside who shoved me away thinking i was standing near the Garware gate to see stars come out. I said 'uncle ek toh haar gaye oopar se sochte ho SRK bahar aayega, merko nahi milna tha usko.. ab jaroor milungi' and the cop looked at me with eyes wide open ' maidum thoda baaju ho jao VIP log chillata hai, haar gaye toh haar gaye abhi hum kya karein!' Ya right, what could you do anyway, if you could Mumbai Indians would not have lost their first few matches. But can't deny the fact that when i saw Kunal Kapoor walk out with his new hair do, i was thrilled and stood by to see him. He happily signed autographs for his fans although i still couldn't figure out who he was supporting but i was glad to see him. Then came Zayed Khan in a white Ganji who looked like an alien from Surf Excel-land 'doodh sa safed' chehra and looked around for any trace of some fan shouting his name out only to be dissapointed.
All said and done, Shahrukh i admire you and your courage. You do not lose your calm with all the losses, blogs, accusations and allegations. As if the loss wasn't enough here BMC slapped a warning on his face because SRK smoked in his CAR... in public!!!! Dude!!! get a life i say.... and then he being banned to see his own team in the dugout! I would stand by and support you in anything that you do, unconditionally. Well, one condition - Don't lose! I hate to see you lose.... you have to reach the finals
I retured home at 2am and was so depressed i couldnt sleep... i had promised i will tell you about my Match experience so i am here, i really wish KKR had won so could write more ... but Duh!
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Ek Main Bhi Hoon
Ek main bhi hoon
har shaqs ki tarah
jo bheed mein kho jata hai
apne aap ko dhoondhne ke liye
Its been a month since i came to Mumbai. Had been away for many years and its like homecoming to me. There is something about this city that kept me calling back. Finally i gave into the pull and moved in. I had always felt like a stranger in my own hometown despite the fact that i had some known person in every part of Mumbai. I never felt comfortable here when i made small visits but today i have accepted the city and so has the city. Mumbai has opened its arms and the XXL heart that it has to me and i am at home now!
As i swung on the local trains communting between Andheri and Bandra at 10.am i looked around to notice i am no different. The ladies compartment as usual crammed with varied species of abusive women and a few hung on the door as if they are ready to take off and fly directly from the train! Its amusing to see so many people in one city. I get down to multiplying it by zillions to derive world population! I feel world's 1/3 head count lives in Mumbai at any time! In Nagpur if i'd go to a public place say a coffee joint, around 15 odd people would fit into my line of sight at once. But here in Mumbai... i am too scared to count how many!
I am yet to learn the train time tables, which train comes at which platform and i have just barely managed to distinguish between East and West. Infact found my own way to find directions - the good old way of looking at the Sun's position...but that works only in the day, at night am as disoriented as a Bat in the day. Day before i set out on an adventure ride when i boarded the extremely crowded Virar fast at peak 5pm. I got pushed in and shoved out automatically! Got kicked in the behind and some very gentle woman elbowed into my back! For that instance i felt like a 1ton ball hit my back and caused that could kill. But the woman did not even look back if i was hurt. Since it was the return traffic faces were seemingly tired and eager to reach home. Women were booking their seats with others who would get off soon. There were cat fights happening about 'how dare you touch my bag, how can you move it on without asking me, teri to main.... tu chup reh... u shut up' and we were getting entertained at their cost.
Young girls are usually found with handsfree attached to their cell phones and talking to their boy friends perhaps fixing a date on their way back. You can make out from their face who they would be talking to. Some women would simply stand across and stare at you while some are too tired to look anywhere. Then is the time when they gotta get off and suddenly all humanity forgets discipline and fall out of the train like a swarm of bees ready to attack when their hive is disturbed. Every force has an equal an opposite force reacting to it so does the train crowd. As many people shove in when the train is slowing down as if the train leads to heaven.
Then when you get off there are quite a few eyes glaring at you from the general bogie, especially men looking at women and making silly comments knowing that nothing can happen once the train moves. I took the auto from the station to reach home which is about 25mins away. Actually it is just 15 mins and the ten minutes is traffic stoppage time. I sat in this auto that was owned by James Bond or more appropriately Gems Bond. I felt as if the auto was so excited after i sat in that it went on auto pilot mode and took off with a wheely, because no human can possibly drive that way. Countless people maneouvered on the streets and this auto ripped the crowd apart like a ship steering in water that made way for the muscle. Left right bumpy roads trucks buses humans animals nothing mattered to the ruthless auto as it was only focussing on reaching the destination - 4 bunglow! No signal could stop it, no traffic could slow it... it breathed only when it halted at the main gate of my apartment. Phew! Yeh lo bhaiyya 30 rupaye! I did not look back at the monster and i was relieved i was alive.
I knew there was nobody to recieve me at home but i wished there was. The cat my friend was happy to see me i know even if it can't tell. The lady on the ground floor stared from her kitchen window as i passed by thinking god knows what and i reached the entrance of my building and looked up. I had to complete a herculean task of climbing up 3 floors after being hit in my back, bumped in the pothole, thrown left and right in the auto, scared out of my wits and now there are floors between me and my peace! Whoa! It took me exactly 15 mins to climb up since i had no energy left. I reached home and my mind went blank. After freshening up i made a cup of tea for myself and instantly went into think mode. Who am i? Where am i? Who do i identify with? The girls talking on the fone, the women fighting for a seat, the one's hung outside the train, the one who enjoys attention or the one who prefers to anonymity?
I prefer to get lost in the crowd here and then set out to find myself again. Because i have come here to start afresh and begin for myself that i never thought i would do. Mumbai, is my second life!
Phir bhi aitraaz nahi koi
baar baar kho kar
har baar naya insaan khojne mein
Jab We Met...
Its weird, this thing called everyday is a new learning to me. With all the pressures i deal everyday it seems i will give up tomorrow. But every tomorrow gives me new strength to fight them all. Gives me new zeal to dream again.
I had started really early with no vision but something that i called 'Sight'. I knew i will do something in life (like everyone else does) but what would make me different would be they way i do it. that's what its turning out to be (hehe) I am strong, rebellious and determined to make a difference. Of all the people i know of my age, i feel i have learnt more in a short time. my achievements are only my learnings and understandings of my world. The older i am growing the wiser i am becoming.
People teach you a lot. I believe every person you meet in your life has some purpose. Even if the meeting lasted for a few seconds the person will have something to impart. Its amusing how we just ignore or forget people we met in life and the things we learn from them. I met this woman at the airport last month who sat besides me in the waiting lounge. We spoke for exactly 10 mins till the flight arrived and in that time i knew her entire family and neighbourhood. Learning - Never give out too much information! Then i met this kid on the street who got slapped by a passer by and the kid was in tears but the next moment he was smiling and carried on with selling balloons to the next car. Lesson - smile and let go! Never disregard people whom you meet.
I just finished reading Mitch Albom's '5 people you meet in heaven' which was a fascinating insight on the same. This fella dies and goes to heaven. He meets certain people there before he could actually enter heaven, who had something to tell him about their connection when they were alive. They were somehow related to his life and death. I was forced to imagine who would be the 5 people i would meet in heaven. My grandfather, my dog, Hitler, Mahatma Gandhi and God!
I want to do a lot of things in my life before i die. In the past few years i have become spiritual and that's not because i am enlightened or something, its primarily because i am growing as a person and learning fast. I have changed and i absorb more. My will has grown stronger and i have achieved what i wanted more than ever. I am well placed when i compare myself to most of the youngster i knew my age. Half of my schoolmates i married (not that being married is end of all) most people i know have no clue what they are doing and why they exist and very few have managed to actually fulfill their dreams. I feel sorry for all of those who cannot dream and for those who dream and do nothing about it.
Its immensly satisfying when you see your dreams come true. I wanted to go abroad, i watched travel channels and saw myself roaming the streets and having a blast. The will was so strong that i the next 30 days i made my first foriegn trip which was a complete surprise. When i see my dreams coming true i am driven to wake up next day and achieve the dreams that i saw last night and make it a reality. I don't keep sleeping for the dream to never end coz it has to some day. I haven't seen tomorrow, for me it does not exist. So whatever it is i have to do it today like NOW!
For now i am planning to see the match between Mumbai Indians and Knight Riders. I am supporting the Knights for obvious reasons that i love Shahrukh Khan. I want to see the match in the VIP stand with Shahrukh Khan and i dunno how but i will! Although i have tickets for the Sachin Tendulkar stand from where i can only see the umpire, but i will see the match with SRK i know. Will update what happens on Friday, post match.
I had started really early with no vision but something that i called 'Sight'. I knew i will do something in life (like everyone else does) but what would make me different would be they way i do it. that's what its turning out to be (hehe) I am strong, rebellious and determined to make a difference. Of all the people i know of my age, i feel i have learnt more in a short time. my achievements are only my learnings and understandings of my world. The older i am growing the wiser i am becoming.
People teach you a lot. I believe every person you meet in your life has some purpose. Even if the meeting lasted for a few seconds the person will have something to impart. Its amusing how we just ignore or forget people we met in life and the things we learn from them. I met this woman at the airport last month who sat besides me in the waiting lounge. We spoke for exactly 10 mins till the flight arrived and in that time i knew her entire family and neighbourhood. Learning - Never give out too much information! Then i met this kid on the street who got slapped by a passer by and the kid was in tears but the next moment he was smiling and carried on with selling balloons to the next car. Lesson - smile and let go! Never disregard people whom you meet.
I just finished reading Mitch Albom's '5 people you meet in heaven' which was a fascinating insight on the same. This fella dies and goes to heaven. He meets certain people there before he could actually enter heaven, who had something to tell him about their connection when they were alive. They were somehow related to his life and death. I was forced to imagine who would be the 5 people i would meet in heaven. My grandfather, my dog, Hitler, Mahatma Gandhi and God!
I want to do a lot of things in my life before i die. In the past few years i have become spiritual and that's not because i am enlightened or something, its primarily because i am growing as a person and learning fast. I have changed and i absorb more. My will has grown stronger and i have achieved what i wanted more than ever. I am well placed when i compare myself to most of the youngster i knew my age. Half of my schoolmates i married (not that being married is end of all) most people i know have no clue what they are doing and why they exist and very few have managed to actually fulfill their dreams. I feel sorry for all of those who cannot dream and for those who dream and do nothing about it.
Its immensly satisfying when you see your dreams come true. I wanted to go abroad, i watched travel channels and saw myself roaming the streets and having a blast. The will was so strong that i the next 30 days i made my first foriegn trip which was a complete surprise. When i see my dreams coming true i am driven to wake up next day and achieve the dreams that i saw last night and make it a reality. I don't keep sleeping for the dream to never end coz it has to some day. I haven't seen tomorrow, for me it does not exist. So whatever it is i have to do it today like NOW!
For now i am planning to see the match between Mumbai Indians and Knight Riders. I am supporting the Knights for obvious reasons that i love Shahrukh Khan. I want to see the match in the VIP stand with Shahrukh Khan and i dunno how but i will! Although i have tickets for the Sachin Tendulkar stand from where i can only see the umpire, but i will see the match with SRK i know. Will update what happens on Friday, post match.
Monday, May 12, 2008
My Room's in a Mess
dim lights flickering images on tv and cushions lying over the bed
messy cupboard, overflowing laundary bag and shoes all over the floor
thats the state of my mind right now
i know i need to clean it up but don't know where to start, oh! there are clothes hung behind my door
i usually dust whatever is superficial and clean the mess once a week
but this time around i left it unattended and its grown into a pile
i have shopped for new stuff and i don't know where to put it
since the room is so overloaded, for me to fix it will take a while
let's start by opening the windows and letting the sun warm the room
clean the closet first coz it has webs all over by now
empty half filled glasses, keep magazines in place and throw away cigerette butts
am working on it pretty fast and working on it how!
one by one the room is cleaner and and wasnt really that tuff
i love to put my feet on the cold relaxing floor
i have rediscovered new spaces and found a lot of missing old things
Am glad i began somewhere and appreciate life all the more...
Friday, May 09, 2008
Mizzandustood!
I stumbled like my words, did the best I could
Damn, misunderstood
Intentions Good.
- John Bon Jovi
Understood is such an over rated word really! Whoever discovered/created it must've been the most mis-understood person himself which is why the word came out of frustration!
Out of the 6.6 billion humans alive on earth today 6.5 surely feel they have been misunderstood by someone or the other at some point of time. Its quite frustrating when you say something and the other person conviniently interprets according to his or her own convinience. May be not convinience, may be intelligence or thinking! The misery is everybody is misunderstood in this world so who is right after all?
But i want to know why misunderstandings happen after all! I open the question to all of you reading the post. Share with me Why do you feel misunderstood? I tried to google it and this amazing site has an englightening answer "Misunderstandings happen because people do not really understand"...i mean EINSTEIN must have changed positions in his grave a thousand times after this genius answer!!!!
I am a victim of this psychological disorder 'Syndrome of perpetual Misunderstanding' where i feel everybody just fails to match up to my thinking. it takes me zillion words and zillionx10 hours to explain what i feel and what i mean. i felt like i was talking to a wall most of the times just feeling like a loser thinking the person is such a frigging idiot he/she doesnt understand me! but dude when i discovered everybody in the world thinks like that then there must be a problem with the way of thinking. Sincerely get a life! i got one soon or atleast am getting one now! I am no great shake that my way of thinking is miles apart from other people. So if i am not being understood i either change they way i speak or change the language!
I have seen people pulling their hair apart and relationship crumbling due to lack of understanding. Dude somebody tell me what the heck on earth does that mean???? when two people speak the same language and they pretty much know each other how can any intangible thing like MISUNDERSTANDING affect a living relaionship? how on earth can anything not be solved by talking? I am totally impossible at times when i don't want to listen but what you say i understand and at time i do empathise. constantly repeating 'you dont understand' wont help! i mean how many times have i heard the words 'you dont understand', 'you dont seem to understand me', 'you just dont understand' that it can go round the world in a chain 10 times. ha ha hahe
Most of the people i see together i see them psychiatrically only trying to understand each other. 'Ok, if i say this he will react this way, so i guess must say it this way'. everything becomes mechanical and there aint no surprise left anymore. its such a pity that the life we get we spend on only understanding other humans who just walk like u talk like u and think like u! I can almost write a book on 'understanding'
Uff such an overrated word in all languages marked bold, italisized and underlined 30 time. Really! But yeah dont forget to let me know aaj ke 10 crore ke sawal ka jawab - Why do you feel misunderstood!!!
Damn, misunderstood
Intentions Good.
- John Bon Jovi
Understood is such an over rated word really! Whoever discovered/created it must've been the most mis-understood person himself which is why the word came out of frustration!
Out of the 6.6 billion humans alive on earth today 6.5 surely feel they have been misunderstood by someone or the other at some point of time. Its quite frustrating when you say something and the other person conviniently interprets according to his or her own convinience. May be not convinience, may be intelligence or thinking! The misery is everybody is misunderstood in this world so who is right after all?
But i want to know why misunderstandings happen after all! I open the question to all of you reading the post. Share with me Why do you feel misunderstood? I tried to google it and this amazing site has an englightening answer "Misunderstandings happen because people do not really understand"...i mean EINSTEIN must have changed positions in his grave a thousand times after this genius answer!!!!
I am a victim of this psychological disorder 'Syndrome of perpetual Misunderstanding' where i feel everybody just fails to match up to my thinking. it takes me zillion words and zillionx10 hours to explain what i feel and what i mean. i felt like i was talking to a wall most of the times just feeling like a loser thinking the person is such a frigging idiot he/she doesnt understand me! but dude when i discovered everybody in the world thinks like that then there must be a problem with the way of thinking. Sincerely get a life! i got one soon or atleast am getting one now! I am no great shake that my way of thinking is miles apart from other people. So if i am not being understood i either change they way i speak or change the language!
I have seen people pulling their hair apart and relationship crumbling due to lack of understanding. Dude somebody tell me what the heck on earth does that mean???? when two people speak the same language and they pretty much know each other how can any intangible thing like MISUNDERSTANDING affect a living relaionship? how on earth can anything not be solved by talking? I am totally impossible at times when i don't want to listen but what you say i understand and at time i do empathise. constantly repeating 'you dont understand' wont help! i mean how many times have i heard the words 'you dont understand', 'you dont seem to understand me', 'you just dont understand' that it can go round the world in a chain 10 times. ha ha hahe
Most of the people i see together i see them psychiatrically only trying to understand each other. 'Ok, if i say this he will react this way, so i guess must say it this way'. everything becomes mechanical and there aint no surprise left anymore. its such a pity that the life we get we spend on only understanding other humans who just walk like u talk like u and think like u! I can almost write a book on 'understanding'
Uff such an overrated word in all languages marked bold, italisized and underlined 30 time. Really! But yeah dont forget to let me know aaj ke 10 crore ke sawal ka jawab - Why do you feel misunderstood!!!
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
My Death
One of the very first poems that written when i was in school...
When i die, bury me deep
four feet down fast asleep
place my MATHS book on my head
tell my teacher i am dead
Place my PHYSICS book on my chest
tell my teacher i'm at rest
place my BIO book on my right hand
tell my teacher nothing i understand
Place my ENG book on left
tell my teacher i tried my best
Also tell my teacher not to cry
because they are those who made me DIE!!! :)
When i die, bury me deep
four feet down fast asleep
place my MATHS book on my head
tell my teacher i am dead
Place my PHYSICS book on my chest
tell my teacher i'm at rest
place my BIO book on my right hand
tell my teacher nothing i understand
Place my ENG book on left
tell my teacher i tried my best
Also tell my teacher not to cry
because they are those who made me DIE!!! :)
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Sunscreen
I cannot fight the sun
Its too powerful
there is no escape
i will get burnt
i tried covering my face
i tried hiding behind sheets of cloth
it still manages to damage
its so freaking hot
Too powerful, no i can't fight it
i am alone
even i were ten thousand
i would have had to moan
its like fighting against a system
that you cannot change
i am tired
of finding shades to hide
one man has never changed the system
he will only look like a fool
i became a rebillion
thinking i was super cool
will gift some sunscreen to sun this time
that should put him in place
and wait for cloud to cover
and joy to rain, just in case
i know the sun is smirking at me
because he is one up for now
but listen dude, chill maar
till i enter and you take a bow!
see every dog has his day
and so will i
and my time will be forever
then will be your time to say good bye
Its too powerful
there is no escape
i will get burnt
i tried covering my face
i tried hiding behind sheets of cloth
it still manages to damage
its so freaking hot
Too powerful, no i can't fight it
i am alone
even i were ten thousand
i would have had to moan
its like fighting against a system
that you cannot change
i am tired
of finding shades to hide
one man has never changed the system
he will only look like a fool
i became a rebillion
thinking i was super cool
will gift some sunscreen to sun this time
that should put him in place
and wait for cloud to cover
and joy to rain, just in case
i know the sun is smirking at me
because he is one up for now
but listen dude, chill maar
till i enter and you take a bow!
see every dog has his day
and so will i
and my time will be forever
then will be your time to say good bye
Friday, April 11, 2008
...and then after...
There was a girl who was scared of love. She always thought that when you love someone you lose them and that refrained her from expressing what she felt. People complained she was indifferent, they said she din't care. But the truth was she was scared.
Then came a time when the three little words became inevitable and she was perplexed. Her confusion led to a lot of loss of time and the three little words lost their importance again. She sat in one corner weeping and cursing her inability to express and her unreasonable fear of losing people.
One day the person she loved assumed she doesnt care and walked out of her life. She did not hear from him for months and she feared she will have to encounter the worst fear of her life. It was indispensable now that she mustered courage and admitted to her feelings. Love ain't all that bad she thought. She cannot let the feeling go for a feeling that has no root or cause. It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved!
She ran to her love and confessed everything she felt for him. She felt relieved and felt like a million stars were smiling down upon her. She felt a rainbow going over head and butterflies flying around her. She saw an angel with a violin and that moment she knew it was love. She had never felt so beautiful before. She smiled and danced and.... he hugged her tight!
... and then after her life changed full circle. She felt love in everything around. Her mind transformed and so did her thoughts and life wasnt the same. Then after i decided to speak everything that came to my mind because it only made me feel lighter. Atleast i did not have to listen to lame allegations that i am indifferent or cold or detached and more such words. No am not! There are more people like me in the world who have a problem in expressing what they feel.
My innermost feelings are too private to be shared i feel at times. But those feelings need to vent out also. There is really no right time or right place. Just say it! Today i am perhaps a little more comfortable in telling people i love them, i miss them or i genuinely care for them. Although to put it in exact words is difficult but i try my best to say it or express it in the best possible obvious manner. I am not cold, i have a heart too and my own sensibilities. I may arrive late in life but i arrive atleast!
For now i am glad i did. I am repenting the lost occasions but also thinking how to make up for it and planning for the one's coming ahead. For once i have really no shame in admitting i love you!
For those close to my heart will always remain so but its important for them to know how much i love them! So be it...
I LOVE YOU
Then came a time when the three little words became inevitable and she was perplexed. Her confusion led to a lot of loss of time and the three little words lost their importance again. She sat in one corner weeping and cursing her inability to express and her unreasonable fear of losing people.
One day the person she loved assumed she doesnt care and walked out of her life. She did not hear from him for months and she feared she will have to encounter the worst fear of her life. It was indispensable now that she mustered courage and admitted to her feelings. Love ain't all that bad she thought. She cannot let the feeling go for a feeling that has no root or cause. It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved!
She ran to her love and confessed everything she felt for him. She felt relieved and felt like a million stars were smiling down upon her. She felt a rainbow going over head and butterflies flying around her. She saw an angel with a violin and that moment she knew it was love. She had never felt so beautiful before. She smiled and danced and.... he hugged her tight!
... and then after her life changed full circle. She felt love in everything around. Her mind transformed and so did her thoughts and life wasnt the same. Then after i decided to speak everything that came to my mind because it only made me feel lighter. Atleast i did not have to listen to lame allegations that i am indifferent or cold or detached and more such words. No am not! There are more people like me in the world who have a problem in expressing what they feel.
My innermost feelings are too private to be shared i feel at times. But those feelings need to vent out also. There is really no right time or right place. Just say it! Today i am perhaps a little more comfortable in telling people i love them, i miss them or i genuinely care for them. Although to put it in exact words is difficult but i try my best to say it or express it in the best possible obvious manner. I am not cold, i have a heart too and my own sensibilities. I may arrive late in life but i arrive atleast!
For now i am glad i did. I am repenting the lost occasions but also thinking how to make up for it and planning for the one's coming ahead. For once i have really no shame in admitting i love you!
For those close to my heart will always remain so but its important for them to know how much i love them! So be it...
I LOVE YOU
Thursday, March 06, 2008
Garam Chai!
TEA चाय, चाहा - is an infusion made by steeping processed leaves, buds & twigs of tea bush (wikipedia) It is an obsession, addiction and for me one thing that kick starts my day! For me this is the best thing to have happened to humankind. The very foundation of my life was based on Chai.
Tea is not just a drink for me, it stands for the smile that i bring into my life for the day everyday, it stands for the excitement that i sip and the joy that i will share each day. Tea is my cheer maker, tea can pep me up and yes cover up for my daily dose of sugar intake as well. I have spent years to understand the gravity of this subject. People say i am obsessed with tea but frankly its a passion. I do not understand why people who drink water all day aren't tagged obsessed! Its only with tea drinkers that we get branded as TEA ADDICTS! Thats sad... but i am ok with it!
I have my own choice of tea which is less sugar, less milk and strong! I have tasted almost all sorts of tea by now and honestly nothing to beat the conventional cup of tea. One of my friends has the weirdest choice of tea's in the whole wide world. She'd mix bournvita to her tea argh! I never had the courage to taste that silly concoction.
TEA - on a romantic rainy day nothing can best define the romance but a cup of piping hot tea and some lip smacking pakora's. I love to watch the downpour from my window sipping tea and reading a book, that's my idea of romance. When i am with a huge group of friends we usually hop into one car and go for a drive along the ring road and stop by at a Tapri (shack) and sip tea with stupendous amounts of elaichi and adrak! Oh yeah... Ginger tea, my personal favorite of all times. Come winter and i am off in search of the best ginger tea's around and my search usually ends at every tapri.
Tea apart from being the best beverage is medicinal. That's the logic i give to those numerous people who call it an addiction. If its and addiction its for good! I had once caught terrible cold which eventually got worse. I was camping in the hills when the family i was with told me how a PAHADI CUP OF TEA can cure my ailing throat instantly. The tea had Dalchini, Adrak and Tulsi. The magic emelent being Dalchini which actually helped me recover. The Pahadi's also have a very different way of making tea which is in a bamboo shoot! The strangest tea i had was at a tribal's house when the lady made tea without milk and with jaggery and ginger. It was bitter yet very good! But the all time favorite has to be Masala Tea. Appropriate ratio of tea to water, sugar not to too sweet nor too bland, adrak, elaichi and boiled at the right temperature for the right amount of time. Yum!
Well i can write a thesis and apply for a Phd on the subject of Tea but honestly when i chose to call my production company "garam chai films" everybody including my dad laughed on it saying i am obsessed! Frankly i dont care and in all hones'tea', no i am not obsessed.
Tea like i shared earlier is a kickstarter for me and so would my films be. I want them to hot, i want them to set a trend of sorts, i want them to have as much variety as tea has world over, i want them to have healing power as the pahadi tea would have, i want them to have the masala that is a universal favorite like the masala tea... bring freshness and act as their first choice of refreshment! My films would be the GARAM CHAI that everybody wants everyday!
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Feels So Empty Without Me??? Really?
Life aint easy when you're one! Rockstar!!! Its tougher when you start thinking you're one. The world changes for you and everybody seems to be adoring you.I have seen people change from rags to rockstars. Half of them totally pretentious. The other half, gobsmacked by their success and bowled over by what follows. Its hard to keep your head on your shoulders when everybody seems to be talking about you. I intently use the word SEEMS to be since that may not be the reality. It applies to me as well.
I remember being the underdog in my family. I was not quite the studies kinda person. Nobody expected me to even find a decent job and thought i'd probably end up modelling or acting or doing other dumb things. They never thought very high of me and today i see the same set talking about me and doing free PR for me. It means a lot to me. One, i love to prove people wrong and two, you never know what future has in store for you.
But one thing i surely learnt was that what you are is what will make people around you like. Complicated? I see a lot of people who have lost a lot in life including friends and family in the air of stardom. I head Radio and a fleet of jocks. We tell them that are min-celebs and that they are no less than any film celebrity. Infact i know a couple of film celebs who have their own fav radio jock. Its a big thing as even celebs listen to radio as a normal listener and have their own fav's like any other listener. Any human will get swept away by the fact that he/she is admired by BIG names. And even more so when the fact that he/she is a celeb themselves sinks in. Numerous fans and admirers come to visit you at the station, send you gifts, compliment you. Who wouldn't like it?
How often do you introspect and do a reality check. If in three weeks the number of calls you get, the scraps and friends on orkut and the blank calls at home shoot up, you know you are popular. Contrary to what we think, we change inside more than the world changes outside. Our perspective gets twisted more than the world's thinking about us. You'd suddenly see all eyes glaring at you when you're walking down the street, suddenly decrease your number of appearances in family functions and wait until people desperately look out for you. Eh! what has happened suddenly? you still are the same pappu, chappu, pinky, golu, chhotu or raju for your family so why have they become aliens for you?
Never forget, it is very lonely at the top. Life gives back everything you give to people on your way to up. So watch what you give. I truely believe that Stardom gets to your head while humililty & modesty touches the heart. You are a star only if you have the strength to hold your head on your shoulders and still aim at the sky.
Dont lose ground to take the flight, there will be no place to come back to
Saturday, October 20, 2007
IESVS NAZARENVS REX IVDÆORVM
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..... Will Miss You!!!
Upon this day I reminisce
with sadness and regret
the loss of my beloved
Special "child" who was my pet.
It's been only a few days of longing
Wishing you'd return to me ...
For though you left some time ago,
I cannot "set you free".
Though time has made it easier,
To go from day to day ...
No one can understand the
"Special" role your life did play.
For every day you were a part,
Of love and joy and life ...
You had a way that focused me
And lessened daily strife.
I'd hurry home to see your face,
Behind that window pane;
Where wiggles, hugs and cuddles
Brightened up the worst of days.
And now I sit, with eyes tear filled,
You are not by my side;
And when I see the window,
It is bare and bleak inside.
Emotions, they are raw today,
I'm simply torn apart ...
For hollow, wrenching feelings
Tear apart this very heart.
An emptiness, that's deeper than
The oceans ... fill my soul;
A painful hunger bites my
Inner self beyond control.
For though time would heal the daily wounds
I wore upon my sleeve,
I shelter from the world outside
Just what you meant to me.
To me, you were more human
Than some others I have known ...
You gave such love and tenderness;
T'was deep within your soul.
Now spring is here, and little things
we loved now cause me harm ...
The walks we'd take around the yard
No longer hold their charm.
I see you as I turn each step,
I watch for you each day ...
Oh little one, I miss you so,...
Much more than words can say
by Kit McCallum
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