Endless dream

You sleep every night only to wake up with a new dream everyday. But here am not going to talk about the daily dreams, i am talking about the big dreams that you have, the one that you live for or the one that drives you.

My friend has a dream that he chases like the ultimate goal of his life. He lives for the dream and says would die if the dream died. I was wondering if i had any such thing to live by. For me there is not one dream that i chase. I am very restless by nature hence i cannot live by one thing forever. I need dynamism to drive me and that is why i was so unclear about what i wanted to do in life. When i was a child till i grew up in my teens i wanted to be an archeologist because of my keen interest in history and finding treasures. Then i wanted to be an astronomer gazing stars and naming my own galaxy but those dreams came down crashing when i realised i needed to study, that too science and math and i needed more marks and then study harder all my life!!!! Whatever happened to all the fun on job! Vicious cycle! I had once even thought of being a fashion designer thinking that was cool! So when i enrolled mylsef in the Advertising course in an arts college everybody thought i am a loser. But in the three years of college i made a name for myself in my study area which eventually became my profession. Media!

I do not know what else to do apart from being in media. I have not known anything but being creative and making new things everyday. I was creative from childhood when i watched these craft shows on TV and made them at home. My house was filled with crafts that i made but i never thought i'd make a career out of it. I joined radio where i was doing something new for 7 yrs everyday and that really kept me going until one day i stopped and asked myself, 'is this what i really want to do?' The answer was no. I kept looking for answer for a long time. I had grown in radio from being a college grad to a creative team leader and the journey was fascinating. But there was something missing and i could not find out what. I left radio and i have joined TV now. I get a feeling this is what i want to do in life.

I am restless and dreams don't come to me anymore. I feel there is much more that i am capable of doing. I had begun writing in the last year of my radio career. I was writing stories, scripts, blogs just about anything. I felt tremendous sense of satisfaction when i wrote. I still feel there is more to me to be explored. I never dreamt of being anything when i was a child. Perhaps that is the reason why i am so fidgety about things. Or may be i have never explored and understood my own capabilities.

When i watch TV and see other people doing such a lot of creative stuff i get very excited and motivated to do something like that. I saw this show where i saw a Travel experience designer and i thought WOW so cool to do something like that! Then i saw this girl whose paintings have become so popular that she has come out with a clothes and accessory line by the same name... and i thought why can i not do something like this? The thing is i feel in complete control when i create something. I feel i can do it the way i like it and my mind is the supreme nucleus of ideas then! I am inspired by design. I feel very strongly these days that i won't be working for long now. I may perhaps open my own venture very soon, but honestly that's just a very strong feeling coz i haven't decided what i want to do in life.

I see myself writing a lot, i see myself directing a movie, may be even opening my own label someday. My dream - is to dream everyday. These everyday dreams keep me alive everyday coz i havent seen tomorrow and all i know is today. If i can dream for today i can make my today worthwhile. As for now.... am still trying to figure out what is the ultimate calling of my life. I really want to know the purpose of my existance. My dreams are endless and so is my chase!

Conditions Apply

In this supermarket of life everything is up for sale. Right from plastic accessories to relationships and love. Everything is available when you want it.. when you need it... even when you don't! Thats called convinience shopping!
I have spent 30 days now in this city and am kinda astonished how superficial people are. Feelings that are otherwise so deep rooted and hard to be faked are so blatantly sold here. People in their hearts are sold out. I wonder if they love their parents without any intention or motive of give and take. Friendships come with a conditions apply tag. Too many if's and buts in it!
People i have seen most of them have made friends only because they can see their purpose being solved from the other. They meet and hug each other like they are the thickest of friends and they make faces behind their backs while they hug. So then why fake it? But funnily each one of them knows he's being used or befriended for some reason and they are fine that way. I see it as an ego boost to most when people call them, chase them and ask for jobs just because they are something and you are not!
See i don 't mind not feeling for somebody, what i mind is faking what i feel. It is only going to cause trouble in future for me and to others equally. I care two hoots if it hurts you to know i don't think you're a friend... it will hurt you more to know i lied otherwise!
I miss those days of friendships when we shared the same popsicle because my friend did not have money that day, or each of us taking the blames for breaking glasses when we played cricket, dancing in the first rain of the season choking all holes on the terrace and blocking water to make ponds, sharing 2 rupees each to buy stupid and standard gifts for everybody and when given the same making a loud noise about it.... i haven't done a single crazy thing for as many days as i can remember. You are yourself and at best when you are with your friends. But unfortunately when you are with 'fake friends' everything around turns out to be fake only. I find it very difficult to make friends although i can manage to make acquaintances perfectly well. I just cannot pretend! I am one person who will give everything to the friendships i make, but they are very few such!
Many of them time has taken away... many of them circunstances have pulled apart... many i did not feel genuinely for and many who did not feel genuinely for me!
All said and done... this city has taught me relationships of convinience. My bai hasnt come 'Hey what's cooking at your place for dinner?, no water at my house 'hey i got this great gossip, lets plan an all night!' i mean... dude!
Well, the supermarket of life can surely put anything up for sale. As of now i am satisfied with being shocked about relationships on contractual basis...The cat outside my building is more eager frankly, to see me than some of my so called friends. And i have no qualms about it now. I am learning not to make but to fake friendships! Wish me luck!

PS: am writing my next movie script on friendships such an irony it is!

Travel is Living

I was talking to a dear friend last nyt when i was a bit gloomy and low. So while generally chit chatting he told me he recently went to a lot of places backpacking alone and how much fun it was. Fortunately i cannot see my own face coz while the conversation was on i was going green with envy and i am sure i must have looked like a grinch! I couldn't care more about the chit chat and in my mind i was already travelling to the mountains.

They say when you want something real bad, the universe conspires to make it happen for you and how true could that be! I have had this undying urge to recluse into the mountains for some time now. So much so that i have been dreaming about it every other day. Now the first plot of the universal conspiracy - i come across a friend who never showed up for 6 years popping out on gtok and i asked where were you all these days? Pat came his reply "Leh!" .... duh don't even go any further i might jut slap you on chat! He was there for a good 3 months!!! and where am i at such times???

Anyway i thought i am too much of pshyco so i stopped thinking of travel and Plot # 2 - My collegue told me about this 15 day rafting trip he going on to Leh!!! Hello!??? dont tell me! i wish i could go instead... then Plot# 3, i was at this place where there were magazines lying on and i picked one which was a INDIAN SUMMER TRAVEL SPECIAL EDITION... shoot! this can't be pure coincidence ya... its all hinting towards the trip i should plan very soon now... i opened the magazine and my eyes were set on this particular picture of a picturisque lake a little ahead of Manali - Chandratal!

Look at the picture!!!! I couldnt take my eyes off it no matter how much i tried... i carried the magazine with me... today while i am writing this blog i am simultaneously preparing my itenary for Lahaul Spiti sometime in june. Wishful thinking!? No i say.. universe conspired and dragged me into it...

I am jealous of people who travel mite! I really hope i get a job where i get to do what i love doing and stuff that am living for.... i tell you i swear to god i will be the best employee who has a 100% attendance all the time on the job! I watch the travel channel and good time 24x7, like there aint any other channel on TV but i can't help it... they show what i love watching... without being there i have actually been around the world through these channels and i must be their only viewer who knows all the shows, with dialogues and crew members. I have written my own travelogue as if i were Ian Wright of my world! But who cares i lived and re-visited every place while i was writing it!

Do something!!!! i wanna travel!!!!!!!!!!!!!! are u listening god dude??? conspire and make it happen.. i am ready with my bags packed!

The Doomed Knight!

16th May 08, Wankhede: Mumbai Indians Vs Kolkata Knight Riders - Well let me begin by saying i was really excited about this match. REALLY! i cancelled my meetings in the evening, left early from work to reach in time and spent a bomb of money and energy to be there. Its not funny.

I managed to squeeze myself into the crowd of a lakh and secured a place to plant the tip of my feet barely balancing my feet. Just then a mexican wave hit me and i fell off. Struggled to stand up and get a view again and a wicket fell! Gosh! i thot my moving places was a jinx, so i stood where i was standing before and in no time the 2nd wicket fell. Hello!!! i mean it is a match or a practice session?

The stadium went up with a roar as 99.9% public was supporting Mumbai Indians and in that stand of 600 odd i was the only weak tiny lone KKR supporter so feeble i could barely clap for a run scored. I felt like a mouse in that crowd. Just behind me were these few Gujju teenagers who were abusing Shahrukh away to glory and that too in a sing song ' Shahrukh is a b$^%#!d ... neh neh neh neh' .... and some lyrical genius which i am not supposed to write in my blogs! I was outraged... but had to gulp it down because the ratio of SRK to Sachin was 1:1,oo,ooo!

Wickets kept tumbling and runs never ticked. Shahrukh on the big screen at Wankhede looked dismayed and was cursing himself for sure but despite the angst he smiled and blew kisses to his one odd fans in the stands (thats me! since i was the only one supporting KKR) . Actually even if there were many like me who went to support KKR must have converted at the beginning of the match going by the way KKR played. Since i was in the isle, people who walked by kept tripping over me and felling me all the time... i felt like it was happening to me coz i was supporting KKR. There were banners and posters for Mumbai Indians, more than half the stadium in the MI jersey and the typical marathi dhol playing to mexican waves. That's the only thing i enjoyed amidst all the sadness. We did some 7 waves which is cool!

KKR wrapped its glorious innings at a fantastic 68, lowest ever IPL score and knowing how Jayasuriya played in the last match we knew the game would exceed more than 5 overs in their inning. My guess wasn't that bad after all, the scored was achieved in 5.4 overs and only 2 wkts lost. I was so ashamed of myself that in the fear of being mocked i started to cheer for Mumbai Indians. I wish i had met SRK after the match i would have adviced him to change his captain and change the team itself!

This is the 2nd time i went to see a match in the stadium and saw it thru to see my fav team lose! Damn you all ya... i was stuck in the traffic for 1 hr 15 mins, walked some 3 kms upto the stadium since my taxi couldnt go any further, spent all the energy and sweat like a pig and you have no right to dissapoint me! Chalo play an exclusive game for me without an opposing team so that i can see you win.

I came out so disspointed that i pulled a fight with the cops outside who shoved me away thinking i was standing near the Garware gate to see stars come out. I said 'uncle ek toh haar gaye oopar se sochte ho SRK bahar aayega, merko nahi milna tha usko.. ab jaroor milungi' and the cop looked at me with eyes wide open ' maidum thoda baaju ho jao VIP log chillata hai, haar gaye toh haar gaye abhi hum kya karein!' Ya right, what could you do anyway, if you could Mumbai Indians would not have lost their first few matches. But can't deny the fact that when i saw Kunal Kapoor walk out with his new hair do, i was thrilled and stood by to see him. He happily signed autographs for his fans although i still couldn't figure out who he was supporting but i was glad to see him. Then came Zayed Khan in a white Ganji who looked like an alien from Surf Excel-land 'doodh sa safed' chehra and looked around for any trace of some fan shouting his name out only to be dissapointed.

All said and done, Shahrukh i admire you and your courage. You do not lose your calm with all the losses, blogs, accusations and allegations. As if the loss wasn't enough here BMC slapped a warning on his face because SRK smoked in his CAR... in public!!!! Dude!!! get a life i say.... and then he being banned to see his own team in the dugout! I would stand by and support you in anything that you do, unconditionally. Well, one condition - Don't lose! I hate to see you lose.... you have to reach the finals

I retured home at 2am and was so depressed i couldnt sleep... i had promised i will tell you about my Match experience so i am here, i really wish KKR had won so could write more ... but Duh!

Ek Main Bhi Hoon

Ek main bhi hoon

har shaqs ki tarah

jo bheed mein kho jata hai

apne aap ko dhoondhne ke liye

Its been a month since i came to Mumbai. Had been away for many years and its like homecoming to me. There is something about this city that kept me calling back. Finally i gave into the pull and moved in. I had always felt like a stranger in my own hometown despite the fact that i had some known person in every part of Mumbai. I never felt comfortable here when i made small visits but today i have accepted the city and so has the city. Mumbai has opened its arms and the XXL heart that it has to me and i am at home now!

As i swung on the local trains communting between Andheri and Bandra at 10.am i looked around to notice i am no different. The ladies compartment as usual crammed with varied species of abusive women and a few hung on the door as if they are ready to take off and fly directly from the train! Its amusing to see so many people in one city. I get down to multiplying it by zillions to derive world population! I feel world's 1/3 head count lives in Mumbai at any time! In Nagpur if i'd go to a public place say a coffee joint, around 15 odd people would fit into my line of sight at once. But here in Mumbai... i am too scared to count how many!

I am yet to learn the train time tables, which train comes at which platform and i have just barely managed to distinguish between East and West. Infact found my own way to find directions - the good old way of looking at the Sun's position...but that works only in the day, at night am as disoriented as a Bat in the day. Day before i set out on an adventure ride when i boarded the extremely crowded Virar fast at peak 5pm. I got pushed in and shoved out automatically! Got kicked in the behind and some very gentle woman elbowed into my back! For that instance i felt like a 1ton ball hit my back and caused that could kill. But the woman did not even look back if i was hurt. Since it was the return traffic faces were seemingly tired and eager to reach home. Women were booking their seats with others who would get off soon. There were cat fights happening about 'how dare you touch my bag, how can you move it on without asking me, teri to main.... tu chup reh... u shut up' and we were getting entertained at their cost.

Young girls are usually found with handsfree attached to their cell phones and talking to their boy friends perhaps fixing a date on their way back. You can make out from their face who they would be talking to. Some women would simply stand across and stare at you while some are too tired to look anywhere. Then is the time when they gotta get off and suddenly all humanity forgets discipline and fall out of the train like a swarm of bees ready to attack when their hive is disturbed. Every force has an equal an opposite force reacting to it so does the train crowd. As many people shove in when the train is slowing down as if the train leads to heaven.

Then when you get off there are quite a few eyes glaring at you from the general bogie, especially men looking at women and making silly comments knowing that nothing can happen once the train moves. I took the auto from the station to reach home which is about 25mins away. Actually it is just 15 mins and the ten minutes is traffic stoppage time. I sat in this auto that was owned by James Bond or more appropriately Gems Bond. I felt as if the auto was so excited after i sat in that it went on auto pilot mode and took off with a wheely, because no human can possibly drive that way. Countless people maneouvered on the streets and this auto ripped the crowd apart like a ship steering in water that made way for the muscle. Left right bumpy roads trucks buses humans animals nothing mattered to the ruthless auto as it was only focussing on reaching the destination - 4 bunglow! No signal could stop it, no traffic could slow it... it breathed only when it halted at the main gate of my apartment. Phew! Yeh lo bhaiyya 30 rupaye! I did not look back at the monster and i was relieved i was alive.

I knew there was nobody to recieve me at home but i wished there was. The cat my friend was happy to see me i know even if it can't tell. The lady on the ground floor stared from her kitchen window as i passed by thinking god knows what and i reached the entrance of my building and looked up. I had to complete a herculean task of climbing up 3 floors after being hit in my back, bumped in the pothole, thrown left and right in the auto, scared out of my wits and now there are floors between me and my peace! Whoa! It took me exactly 15 mins to climb up since i had no energy left. I reached home and my mind went blank. After freshening up i made a cup of tea for myself and instantly went into think mode. Who am i? Where am i? Who do i identify with? The girls talking on the fone, the women fighting for a seat, the one's hung outside the train, the one who enjoys attention or the one who prefers to anonymity?

I prefer to get lost in the crowd here and then set out to find myself again. Because i have come here to start afresh and begin for myself that i never thought i would do. Mumbai, is my second life!

Phir bhi aitraaz nahi koi

baar baar kho kar

har baar naya insaan khojne mein

Jab We Met...

Its weird, this thing called everyday is a new learning to me. With all the pressures i deal everyday it seems i will give up tomorrow. But every tomorrow gives me new strength to fight them all. Gives me new zeal to dream again.

I had started really early with no vision but something that i called 'Sight'. I knew i will do something in life (like everyone else does) but what would make me different would be they way i do it. that's what its turning out to be (hehe) I am strong, rebellious and determined to make a difference. Of all the people i know of my age, i feel i have learnt more in a short time. my achievements are only my learnings and understandings of my world. The older i am growing the wiser i am becoming.

People teach you a lot. I believe every person you meet in your life has some purpose. Even if the meeting lasted for a few seconds the person will have something to impart. Its amusing how we just ignore or forget people we met in life and the things we learn from them. I met this woman at the airport last month who sat besides me in the waiting lounge. We spoke for exactly 10 mins till the flight arrived and in that time i knew her entire family and neighbourhood. Learning - Never give out too much information! Then i met this kid on the street who got slapped by a passer by and the kid was in tears but the next moment he was smiling and carried on with selling balloons to the next car. Lesson - smile and let go! Never disregard people whom you meet.
I just finished reading Mitch Albom's '5 people you meet in heaven' which was a fascinating insight on the same. This fella dies and goes to heaven. He meets certain people there before he could actually enter heaven, who had something to tell him about their connection when they were alive. They were somehow related to his life and death. I was forced to imagine who would be the 5 people i would meet in heaven. My grandfather, my dog, Hitler, Mahatma Gandhi and God!

I want to do a lot of things in my life before i die. In the past few years i have become spiritual and that's not because i am enlightened or something, its primarily because i am growing as a person and learning fast. I have changed and i absorb more. My will has grown stronger and i have achieved what i wanted more than ever. I am well placed when i compare myself to most of the youngster i knew my age. Half of my schoolmates i married (not that being married is end of all) most people i know have no clue what they are doing and why they exist and very few have managed to actually fulfill their dreams. I feel sorry for all of those who cannot dream and for those who dream and do nothing about it.

Its immensly satisfying when you see your dreams come true. I wanted to go abroad, i watched travel channels and saw myself roaming the streets and having a blast. The will was so strong that i the next 30 days i made my first foriegn trip which was a complete surprise. When i see my dreams coming true i am driven to wake up next day and achieve the dreams that i saw last night and make it a reality. I don't keep sleeping for the dream to never end coz it has to some day. I haven't seen tomorrow, for me it does not exist. So whatever it is i have to do it today like NOW!

For now i am planning to see the match between Mumbai Indians and Knight Riders. I am supporting the Knights for obvious reasons that i love Shahrukh Khan. I want to see the match in the VIP stand with Shahrukh Khan and i dunno how but i will! Although i have tickets for the Sachin Tendulkar stand from where i can only see the umpire, but i will see the match with SRK i know. Will update what happens on Friday, post match.

My Room's in a Mess

dim lights flickering images on tv and cushions lying over the bed

messy cupboard, overflowing laundary bag and shoes all over the floor

thats the state of my mind right now

i know i need to clean it up but don't know where to start, oh! there are clothes hung behind my door

i usually dust whatever is superficial and clean the mess once a week

but this time around i left it unattended and its grown into a pile

i have shopped for new stuff and i don't know where to put it

since the room is so overloaded, for me to fix it will take a while

let's start by opening the windows and letting the sun warm the room

clean the closet first coz it has webs all over by now

empty half filled glasses, keep magazines in place and throw away cigerette butts

am working on it pretty fast and working on it how!

one by one the room is cleaner and and wasnt really that tuff

i love to put my feet on the cold relaxing floor

i have rediscovered new spaces and found a lot of missing old things

Am glad i began somewhere and appreciate life all the more...

Mizzandustood!

I stumbled like my words, did the best I could
Damn, misunderstood
Intentions Good.
- John Bon Jovi

Understood is such an over rated word really! Whoever discovered/created it must've been the most mis-understood person himself which is why the word came out of frustration!

Out of the 6.6 billion humans alive on earth today 6.5 surely feel they have been misunderstood by someone or the other at some point of time. Its quite frustrating when you say something and the other person conviniently interprets according to his or her own convinience. May be not convinience, may be intelligence or thinking! The misery is everybody is misunderstood in this world so who is right after all?

But i want to know why misunderstandings happen after all! I open the question to all of you reading the post. Share with me Why do you feel misunderstood? I tried to google it and this amazing site has an englightening answer "Misunderstandings happen because people do not really understand"...i mean EINSTEIN must have changed positions in his grave a thousand times after this genius answer!!!!

I am a victim of this psychological disorder 'Syndrome of perpetual Misunderstanding' where i feel everybody just fails to match up to my thinking. it takes me zillion words and zillionx10 hours to explain what i feel and what i mean. i felt like i was talking to a wall most of the times just feeling like a loser thinking the person is such a frigging idiot he/she doesnt understand me! but dude when i discovered everybody in the world thinks like that then there must be a problem with the way of thinking. Sincerely get a life! i got one soon or atleast am getting one now! I am no great shake that my way of thinking is miles apart from other people. So if i am not being understood i either change they way i speak or change the language!

I have seen people pulling their hair apart and relationship crumbling due to lack of understanding. Dude somebody tell me what the heck on earth does that mean???? when two people speak the same language and they pretty much know each other how can any intangible thing like MISUNDERSTANDING affect a living relaionship? how on earth can anything not be solved by talking? I am totally impossible at times when i don't want to listen but what you say i understand and at time i do empathise. constantly repeating 'you dont understand' wont help! i mean how many times have i heard the words 'you dont understand', 'you dont seem to understand me', 'you just dont understand' that it can go round the world in a chain 10 times. ha ha hahe

Most of the people i see together i see them psychiatrically only trying to understand each other. 'Ok, if i say this he will react this way, so i guess must say it this way'. everything becomes mechanical and there aint no surprise left anymore. its such a pity that the life we get we spend on only understanding other humans who just walk like u talk like u and think like u! I can almost write a book on 'understanding'

Uff such an overrated word in all languages marked bold, italisized and underlined 30 time. Really! But yeah dont forget to let me know aaj ke 10 crore ke sawal ka jawab - Why do you feel misunderstood!!!

My Death

One of the very first poems that written when i was in school...

When i die, bury me deep
four feet down fast asleep
place my MATHS book on my head
tell my teacher i am dead
Place my PHYSICS book on my chest
tell my teacher i'm at rest
place my BIO book on my right hand
tell my teacher nothing i understand
Place my ENG book on left
tell my teacher i tried my best
Also tell my teacher not to cry
because they are those who made me DIE!!! :)

Sunscreen

I cannot fight the sun
Its too powerful
there is no escape
i will get burnt

i tried covering my face
i tried hiding behind sheets of cloth
it still manages to damage
its so freaking hot

Too powerful, no i can't fight it
i am alone
even i were ten thousand
i would have had to moan

its like fighting against a system
that you cannot change
i am tired
of finding shades to hide

one man has never changed the system
he will only look like a fool
i became a rebillion
thinking i was super cool

will gift some sunscreen to sun this time
that should put him in place
and wait for cloud to cover
and joy to rain, just in case

i know the sun is smirking at me
because he is one up for now
but listen dude, chill maar
till i enter and you take a bow!

see every dog has his day
and so will i
and my time will be forever
then will be your time to say good bye

...and then after...

There was a girl who was scared of love. She always thought that when you love someone you lose them and that refrained her from expressing what she felt. People complained she was indifferent, they said she din't care. But the truth was she was scared.

Then came a time when the three little words became inevitable and she was perplexed. Her confusion led to a lot of loss of time and the three little words lost their importance again. She sat in one corner weeping and cursing her inability to express and her unreasonable fear of losing people.

One day the person she loved assumed she doesnt care and walked out of her life. She did not hear from him for months and she feared she will have to encounter the worst fear of her life. It was indispensable now that she mustered courage and admitted to her feelings. Love ain't all that bad she thought. She cannot let the feeling go for a feeling that has no root or cause. It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved!

She ran to her love and confessed everything she felt for him. She felt relieved and felt like a million stars were smiling down upon her. She felt a rainbow going over head and butterflies flying around her. She saw an angel with a violin and that moment she knew it was love. She had never felt so beautiful before. She smiled and danced and.... he hugged her tight!

... and then after her life changed full circle. She felt love in everything around. Her mind transformed and so did her thoughts and life wasnt the same. Then after i decided to speak everything that came to my mind because it only made me feel lighter. Atleast i did not have to listen to lame allegations that i am indifferent or cold or detached and more such words. No am not! There are more people like me in the world who have a problem in expressing what they feel.

My innermost feelings are too private to be shared i feel at times. But those feelings need to vent out also. There is really no right time or right place. Just say it! Today i am perhaps a little more comfortable in telling people i love them, i miss them or i genuinely care for them. Although to put it in exact words is difficult but i try my best to say it or express it in the best possible obvious manner. I am not cold, i have a heart too and my own sensibilities. I may arrive late in life but i arrive atleast!

For now i am glad i did. I am repenting the lost occasions but also thinking how to make up for it and planning for the one's coming ahead. For once i have really no shame in admitting i love you!

For those close to my heart will always remain so but its important for them to know how much i love them! So be it...
I LOVE YOU

Garam Chai!





TEA चाय, चाहा - is an infusion made by steeping processed leaves, buds & twigs of tea bush (wikipedia) It is an obsession, addiction and for me one thing that kick starts my day! For me this is the best thing to have happened to humankind. The very foundation of my life was based on Chai.



Tea is not just a drink for me, it stands for the smile that i bring into my life for the day everyday, it stands for the excitement that i sip and the joy that i will share each day. Tea is my cheer maker, tea can pep me up and yes cover up for my daily dose of sugar intake as well. I have spent years to understand the gravity of this subject. People say i am obsessed with tea but frankly its a passion. I do not understand why people who drink water all day aren't tagged obsessed! Its only with tea drinkers that we get branded as TEA ADDICTS! Thats sad... but i am ok with it!


I have my own choice of tea which is less sugar, less milk and strong! I have tasted almost all sorts of tea by now and honestly nothing to beat the conventional cup of tea. One of my friends has the weirdest choice of tea's in the whole wide world. She'd mix bournvita to her tea argh! I never had the courage to taste that silly concoction.


TEA - on a romantic rainy day nothing can best define the romance but a cup of piping hot tea and some lip smacking pakora's. I love to watch the downpour from my window sipping tea and reading a book, that's my idea of romance. When i am with a huge group of friends we usually hop into one car and go for a drive along the ring road and stop by at a Tapri (shack) and sip tea with stupendous amounts of elaichi and adrak! Oh yeah... Ginger tea, my personal favorite of all times. Come winter and i am off in search of the best ginger tea's around and my search usually ends at every tapri.



Tea apart from being the best beverage is medicinal. That's the logic i give to those numerous people who call it an addiction. If its and addiction its for good! I had once caught terrible cold which eventually got worse. I was camping in the hills when the family i was with told me how a PAHADI CUP OF TEA can cure my ailing throat instantly. The tea had Dalchini, Adrak and Tulsi. The magic emelent being Dalchini which actually helped me recover. The Pahadi's also have a very different way of making tea which is in a bamboo shoot! The strangest tea i had was at a tribal's house when the lady made tea without milk and with jaggery and ginger. It was bitter yet very good! But the all time favorite has to be Masala Tea. Appropriate ratio of tea to water, sugar not to too sweet nor too bland, adrak, elaichi and boiled at the right temperature for the right amount of time. Yum!
Well i can write a thesis and apply for a Phd on the subject of Tea but honestly when i chose to call my production company "garam chai films" everybody including my dad laughed on it saying i am obsessed! Frankly i dont care and in all hones'tea', no i am not obsessed.
Tea like i shared earlier is a kickstarter for me and so would my films be. I want them to hot, i want them to set a trend of sorts, i want them to have as much variety as tea has world over, i want them to have healing power as the pahadi tea would have, i want them to have the masala that is a universal favorite like the masala tea... bring freshness and act as their first choice of refreshment! My films would be the GARAM CHAI that everybody wants everyday!

Feels So Empty Without Me??? Really?

Life aint easy when you're one! Rockstar!!! Its tougher when you start thinking you're one. The world changes for you and everybody seems to be adoring you.

I have seen people change from rags to rockstars. Half of them totally pretentious. The other half, gobsmacked by their success and bowled over by what follows. Its hard to keep your head on your shoulders when everybody seems to be talking about you. I intently use the word SEEMS to be since that may not be the reality. It applies to me as well.

I remember being the underdog in my family. I was not quite the studies kinda person. Nobody expected me to even find a decent job and thought i'd probably end up modelling or acting or doing other dumb things. They never thought very high of me and today i see the same set talking about me and doing free PR for me. It means a lot to me. One, i love to prove people wrong and two, you never know what future has in store for you.

But one thing i surely learnt was that what you are is what will make people around you like. Complicated? I see a lot of people who have lost a lot in life including friends and family in the air of stardom. I head Radio and a fleet of jocks. We tell them that are min-celebs and that they are no less than any film celebrity. Infact i know a couple of film celebs who have their own fav radio jock. Its a big thing as even celebs listen to radio as a normal listener and have their own fav's like any other listener. Any human will get swept away by the fact that he/she is admired by BIG names. And even more so when the fact that he/she is a celeb themselves sinks in. Numerous fans and admirers come to visit you at the station, send you gifts, compliment you. Who wouldn't like it?

How often do you introspect and do a reality check. If in three weeks the number of calls you get, the scraps and friends on orkut and the blank calls at home shoot up, you know you are popular. Contrary to what we think, we change inside more than the world changes outside. Our perspective gets twisted more than the world's thinking about us. You'd suddenly see all eyes glaring at you when you're walking down the street, suddenly decrease your number of appearances in family functions and wait until people desperately look out for you. Eh! what has happened suddenly? you still are the same pappu, chappu, pinky, golu, chhotu or raju for your family so why have they become aliens for you?

Never forget, it is very lonely at the top. Life gives back everything you give to people on your way to up. So watch what you give. I truely believe that Stardom gets to your head while humililty & modesty touches the heart. You are a star only if you have the strength to hold your head on your shoulders and still aim at the sky.

Dont lose ground to take the flight, there will be no place to come back to

IESVS NAZARENVS REX IVDÆORVM

..... Will Miss You!!!

Upon this day I reminisce

with sadness and regret

the loss of my beloved

Special "child" who was my pet.

It's been only a few days of longing

Wishing you'd return to me ...

For though you left some time ago,

I cannot "set you free".

Though time has made it easier,

To go from day to day ...

No one can understand the

"Special" role your life did play.

For every day you were a part,

Of love and joy and life ...

You had a way that focused me

And lessened daily strife.

I'd hurry home to see your face,

Behind that window pane;

Where wiggles, hugs and cuddles

Brightened up the worst of days.

And now I sit, with eyes tear filled,

You are not by my side;

And when I see the window,

It is bare and bleak inside.

Emotions, they are raw today,

I'm simply torn apart ...

For hollow, wrenching feelings

Tear apart this very heart.

An emptiness, that's deeper than

The oceans ... fill my soul;

A painful hunger bites my

Inner self beyond control.

For though time would heal the daily wounds

I wore upon my sleeve,

I shelter from the world outside

Just what you meant to me.

To me, you were more human

Than some others I have known ...

You gave such love and tenderness;

T'was deep within your soul.

Now spring is here, and little things

we loved now cause me harm ...

The walks we'd take around the yard

No longer hold their charm.

I see you as I turn each step,

I watch for you each day ...

Oh little one, I miss you so,...

Much more than words can say

by Kit McCallum

Happy Faces

Happy Faces!!! That's because we have someway made a lot of people happy today. 9 months of painful labour has resulted into an ecstatic delivery! My 4th and the gang's FIRST. So you know why they look so happy.

One thing I realised today, no matter how redundant the joy may be it never fails to make you happy. Its not how repetitive it is but how every time it brings the same amount of joy in our lives. Everytime i insert that song "Maa tujhe Salaam" it sends chills down my spine, every time the song ends for the 1st jock talk to begin it makes me emotional.. everytime i come out of the studio after the links it makes me nostalgic and its fantastic.

Indore, Jaipur, Aurangabad and now Nagpur! The places may be geographically apart but the nervous faces don't change, the anxeity remains the same. Its amazing really how the air suddenly changes. The perspective changes in turn. Before we came in i am sure nobody cared to even look at the radio, now tomorrow will bring about the biggest change in each one of us. We get more aware of who listens, what they listen to, why they listen to, how many people have their handsfree on and speculate what channel they may be listening to even if they only talking on fone! How we become possesive about everything that is associated with us or vice a versa.

I remember when we go to cinema halls everytime we see our logos we shout and clap and cheer like we own the brand. That milli second makes us so proud in the crowd of 500 people. When we walk into events flaunting our status it makes us feel like we are mini stars. Such an illusive world but after all its happy! Nothing is wrong really with having a world of ur own as long its keeping you happy and not harming anybody else.

The world was created for us at 4.30 pm today... the video and pics say it all.... today am proud to have existed to have been a part of probably the most anticipated joy of the city. I am glad i am a carrier of god's most humbling emotion - SMILE which we would successfully bring to million faces from this day on. Asawari, Soni, Pritam, Vallari, MIlind, Denny, Anup and the rockstar Bhaggu-Glad to have a team which will translate each emotion on air. ROCK ON... make more faces happy. That's the reward you get every single second.

SAD YOU WILL LOSE ME

Adjective: TAKEN FOR GRANTED
Evident without proof or argument- axiomatic, self-evident



Some noble soul said 'Being taken for granted can be a compliment. It means that you've become a comfortable, trusted element in another person's life.' Nice to live with this feeling though that's not true, we know!

The worst that can happen to anybody is being taken for granted. Seems like your a lesser creature, everyone looks down on you or worst, ignore you totally! Argh, i really want to grab people by their collar shake them up and ask them who gave them this right to decide how to treat anybody this way. Just because you survived for the longest time you're existing! Duh too bad... perhaps you don't have the vision to see beyond that! May be being 'THERE' just blocks your sight.

Sometimes i feel that this may be an indication that its high time now! Or may be time to introspect. But that i do all the time. That's how i came to this conclusion.... being taken for granted! It's not easy living up to your own words. When you commit to something - relationships, life, work anything, Live up to it. Only those people are valued who have the gut to live their word. I have seen many who make hollow promises and commit to something they can never fulfill and eventually end up losing all respect they earned. I fail to understand how do they face themself after that? What stops you? Am i not capable of sustaining what you expected of me or just that you plain simple are insecure i might cross your expectation! There has to be some reason and i want one.

Sometimes there seems to be no end to this trap. The only way from here is out, since the inward movement has been restricted. I feel sad for those who don't believe. Belief in their own word, their own thought, their own people. I feel sad, you will lose me!

Jaane Kya

Jaane Kya Chaahe Mann Bawra, Ankhiyan Mere Sawan Chala....

You can lie to the world, but you cannot lie to yourself. What are we running away from? Is admitting truth so difficult that you need to fake it to yourself? Strange!

The chase is endless. I don't know what i want in life. I am chasing something which i don't think is even real! They say it's state of mind but i want to believe its not. Because if it was, then why don't i get into that state ever?

Yes i am chasing happiness. Do you know where to find it? Do you where it stays? Do you know one person who has it? Do you know how much it costs? The only thing i know is that it surely does cost! And how... i have i paid a price for all the happiness i have wanted. So i value it more than you. Price in the form of personal space, small little joys of life, peace of mind, realtions and my own self.

I have always loved people unconditionally and hurt unintentionally. I have really never valued emotions coz i never felt them. When i was young i had conditioned myself to be cold, as a mountain of ice that will take ages to melt perhaps. I had always lived like a happy fun ball that doesnt care whether it gathers moss when its rolling or who it crushes on its way. Till the happy fun ball's joy ride came to a hault. Everything that it gathered on the way was peeling out of its skin and trust me it was painful. The fun ball had lost its shine, its lusture and in turn only got loads of moss and wounds that it still is carrying. Wounds that went deeper into the skin and left a scar. Happy fun ball had forgotten how to be happy. It was forced to see the destruction all around, forced to see the mess that was left. Fun ball died that day!

People cannot see other happy people particularly if they themselves aren't happy. They seldom forget that the only person responsible for their state is 'they themself!' If anybody who can bring them out of misery is they themself! Why blame the happy funball? Its not my fault that i was happy and now its YOUR fault that i dont know the meaning of Happy.

And then i made this world of my own, where there is no inverted curve on anybody's face. Everybody is a happy fun ball and its amazing. Nobody pulls you down for being what you are. All you do it what you want to do and have fun. It really doesn't take much to be happy. You just need to get up and do something about it. Life is beautiful and there are more things that can bring happiness. Remember, at the end everything is happy. If its not happy, its not THE END

365 days

12th Jan was my first glimpse of the effervescent Pink City. For all i knew was a bright beginning of a new life in a place which will be my own. Auditions happened and i met over 1600 people in 3 days. 10 mad guys would form my team. 10 mirchies who would change the color of this city to red. And 365 days from that day of hitting the airwaves, today i stand look back proudly to see my dream is achieved.

Who says mad guys end up in asylums? There sure is a chance we pick you! Its amazing to see these kids growing up so fast. We are one year old now, after all the struggle and falling down everytime we tried to stand up we have held grip of ourselves and realised what it means to be Mirchi.

I feel old today, 6 yrs in the system have been a part of 2 launches and 2 first birthdays. But honestly the emotional attachment that i shared with this station is beyond words. Last night the rush was phenomenal. Everyone was inside the studio 15mins before midnyt. Firecracker show on air and lot of happy faces in the studio. We hugged each other and all we remembered was the long journey we made together.

Wishing more year of joy like these to everyone who has been a part of this joyous moment. Its tough to put in words the emotinal rollercoster ride. Good luck Guys!

I’m All Out Of Faith,
This Is How I Feel
I’m Cold And I Am Shamed Lying Naked On The Floor
Illusion Never Changed Into Something Real
I’m Wide Awake And I Can See The Perfect Sky Is Torn
You’re A Little Late, I’m Already Torn

its not a nice feeling to be a living dead body. Its a state when you have no feelings left, no hurt pains anymore, no word that pricks its a state of daze. Its not human.

When was the last time you cried and din't feel the warmth of the tear that rolled down your cheek? Has your heart ever broken without a sigh? Somebody slaps you and you acn't do nothing about it. Given up hope and given up on yourself. That's only when you are empty from within. It's not a nice feeling to be cold and run out of emotions.

No that's not a loser. That's Torn! Life's sliping outta hands. Am still holding on to a hope that has left me.

Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna

Kabhi Alvida Na Kehna ... kyonki phir milne ki ummeed badh jaati hai...

Life doesn't stop playing jokes... it's got such a sense of humour i say. All it does is laugh at you... mock at you... and silently see you fight to get up on ur feet...

its such a complicated grid of complex emotions inside. one day you fall in love and other day you fall out of it. as if its a national passtime to fall in love and fall out. strange are people who say love has changed... and how can that be? how can love change with distance, with incidents or with nothing... love once will always be right?

I fear today to say good bye because you never know who's love will change next... Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna