Lonely again

In the window she sits with her feet held close to her chest, holding them in her arms. The silence in the room is echoing in her head and is driving her crazy. She could hear the calm breeze blowing in her ears. Her hair falling limp on her face. Her eyes constantly gazing at eternity from the grills of the window. Her hair bothering her but she is undeterred. A warm drop of tear rolls down from her right eye ceases on its way down. She winces and wheezes. The sound breaks the silence as though the breeze suddenly stopped where it was and the hair fell limp again wherever they could place themselves on her face. Another drop of tear cascades from her left eye followed by a tear from the right. She scrambles herself quickly as her arms lose the grip of her feet that slide away inadvertently. She bit her lips as her heart squirmed and she lays her head on the feet and burst out crying. She lifts her face, that had turned red and her eyes had become sore upon crying, her dress had soaked up all the tears she shed and left a wet blob mark behind. The pace of her tears had slowed and she continued to caterwaul. Her hair were soaked in the tears she shed and they stuck around her cheek and lips stopping and diverting the tears. She tucked a bunch behind her ears and wiped her watering nose with the back of her hand. Suddenly the breeze echoed again in her ears and she realised she was lonely again.

If you were my woman...

Listen Mototo, you better treat this lady like a queen. Because you my friend, you found yourself the perfect woman.
If I was ever so lucky to find the perfect woman, I’d give her flowers everyday and not just any flower. Ok!
Her favorites are orchids, White.
And breakfast in bed. Six loaves of wheat toast, butter on both sides. No crust, the way she likes it.
I’d be her shoulder to cry on and her best friend and I’d spend every day trying to think of how to maker her laugh. She has the most amazing laugh. That’s what I’d do, if I were you.

- Melman, Madagascar II - Escape to Africa

If you were him, what would you do for you love?

It's Only Words...

Words don’t fascinate me. Floral ornamented lines don’t sweep me. Strangely some lines have stuck in my head like glue and haunt me every now and then. Some words become synonymous with people and some words come together beautifully to construct a line. These lines even sans music sound like music to the ears. These lines go so deep down in the heart that they refuse to leave. These lines become your emotions. You cry when they make you cry you laugh when they want you to… Lines that you instantly recognize with when they come any close to what you feel at that moment. So I find it funny when so often we get hooked to sad songs after a heart break! Or often find the most romantic love song when we are in love.

I am not a genre person. I love music. Any music. Music that music to me at that time. If I like rock today, not necessary that I will like it tomorrow. My song choices are fluid. I hated Glen Medeiros ‘ Nothings gonna change shit’ as I grew up, will always hate it. Too candy floss for me… hollow lyrics… he doesn’t mean what he says obviously. Nobody loves forever. So these lyrics don’t hold any ground for me. I hated “last Christmas’ gooeeeeeyyyyyy! Yuck! Made me diabetic it was so sweet!

Not to deviate from my basic intention of writing today – Song lyrics that swept me off the floor.

1. Main Zindagi Ka Sath Nibhata Chala Gaya – this song never fails to amuse me. Just so aptly describes how life should be taken easy!

2. Love to see you cry – I love the video on the whole. I never get bored of this song. The line particularly that kills me is : you don’t know how much it hurts when you fall asleep in my arms.

3. Tere Bina Jiya Jaaye Na – all who know me well know I looooooooooove this song. Something about it… particularly the line ‘Jab bhi khayalon mein tu aaye, mere badan se khushboo aaye’ is so subtly suggestive! Gulzar is a genius, I bow to his genius.

4. Din pyar ke aayenge – this song os from Sawerewali Gadi. Poonam Dhillon flirtatiously and blithe fully running behind a train. This song is just HAPPY under my scanner. No frilly lyrics, just simply happy.

5. Insatiable – Darren Hayes has perhaps redeemed his foolish candy floss career with this one song. Sensuous, sultry and sexy this song is experienced best with lights off in a dark room on loudspeakers. ‘ I fall asleep inside of you, there are no words there's only truth’.

6. Eminem – I cannot pick one song of this man who writes what I feel in my heart. I so totally relate to all his song no matter what my mood is. No sham, pure attitude is what makes me love him and his music. I love cleaning out my closet and Stan, but all his songs are amazing. I worship you lord!

but how dare you try to take what you didn't help me to get, you selfish bitch, I hope you fuckin' burn in hell for this shit, remember when Ronnie died and you said you wished it was me, well guess what, I am dead, dead to you as can be...

7. In the end – Linkin Park, the whole song makes sense to me. I tried so hard and got so far, but in the end it doesn’t even matter…

8. Kiss from a rose – Seal - I heard this line ‘You became the light on the dark side of me.’ And I died! The song is mesmerizing… nothing else! My eyes become large and,
   The light that you shine can be seen

9. ABBA – I have been a huge huge Abba fan since childhood… so whatever their songs may be I just loved singing their songs..i still do!

10. Chupke Se – Saathiya.. Gulzar nipping out magic through his pen. Can you better this???

Farvari ki sardiyon ki dhoop mein
Moondi moondi ankhiyon se dekhna
Haath ki aad se
Neemi neemi thand aur aag mein
Haule haule maarwa ke raag mein
Meer ki baat ho

11. Have you ever really loved a woman – Bryan Adams has got this one right! The song makes me melt and how. The lyrics are fluid… they crawl over my skin and clamp onto my head like an octopus grabs it prey. When you see her unborn children in her eyes….Beautiful alliance of words and music.

12. Father Figure – George Michael – Waste of a man! But what a song this is. Sensuality personified. Lyrics and music that can teleport you to a different level all together. All time favorite. So when you remember the one’s who have lied, who said that they cared but left as you cried…

13. Maa – Taare Zameen Par – the one and only song that got tears to my eyes when I heard it. And that happens practically every time I hear it. Bhej na itna duur mujhko tu..yaad bhi tujhko aana paun maa.
    

14. Chhoti Si Kahani Se – Ijaazat – Na Jaane kyu…dil bhar gaya… na jaane kyu… aankh bhar gayi…Gulzar…!!! I have nothing to say here.

15. Tujhse Naraz Nahi – Masoom – Jeene ke liye socha hi nahi.. dard sambhalne honge… muskuraye to…muskurane ke…karz utarne honge…

16. Khabar Nahi – Dostana – the new song… something about it that makes me happy always. Bubblegum song totally but I love it!

17. Aaj phir jeene ki tamanna hai – Guide – the song as legendary as the movie itself. Waheeda Rehman looking stunning and dancing to the song like it was her own story!

18. Bol Na Halke – JBJ – Gulzar! Ghoonghat hi bana lo roshni se noor ke! ….Kitne dino se yeh aasma bhi soya nahi hai…isko sula de!

19. Jaane Kya Baat Hai – Sunny – Amrita Singh singing on TV and Sunny Deol innocently looking… the visuals flash on my mind instantly. Neend nahi aati…badi lambi raat hai!

20. Mitwa – KANK – I love this song for some strange reason. I love the way SRK spreads his arms in this song and sings it… I love everything about it… ‘ teri nigahen, paa gayi rahein..par tu yeh soche jaun na jaun… yeh zindagi jo hai naachti to… kyu bediyon mein hai tere paaon!’

There are obviously a lot more and I will keep adding them time and again…. You can post you favorites… a song…lyrics… situations or just about any reason for liking a song!

The teacher called Life!

Everything happens for a reason. Nothing is by chance or your luck. Every action and reaction is well calculated somewhere in the cosmos and we are only purely executing it unwittingly. There is nothing that can be left to chance. I don’t believe in chance, fate, luck, and destiny or in any other word from this family because it doesn’t exist. It is either your hard work or someone else’s that makes or breaks things in your life.

Ever since I was a child, I would rationalize in my mind why certain things went wrong. And when they did, they mostly were followed by repercussions that taught me something. Every incident, good or bad, has something to teach us. When it’s good it’s easy to decipher. But when it’s a bad incident or offshoot, we often get busy crying and mulling over it rather than knowing what it actually wants to teach us. There is always a solution to every problem. There is always an alternate road to every broken path. Life is the best teacher according to me.

Every experience that we go through in life has such a deep yet subtle sublime lesson. Everything happens for a reason. It’s such a vast topic I don’t know which one point to pick to start. I remember, when I got bad marks or didn’t score as much, my parents would whine and my friends would mock at me, but deep down inside, I believed, this is not my path…studies is not what I want to do. So the dropping result graph kept re-assuring me that I was made for something else. One time, we were given an essay to write in school for our English subject. I don’t know how others wrote, but I wrote with my heart into it. I had never written with so much care and attention. A passage that was 3 pages long…. I was stunned when the whole class clapped for me. And this was just the next day after I got punished for not finishing my homework.

Small little things hint towards big results that we don’t know yet. The most interesting chapter of life is ‘people’. Every soul that comes into our lives has a purpose. We may choose to ignore it but cannot erase it. Even when a deluge of people is around you there may be one, who would have a purpose of being there… A book I read some time back by Mitch Albom ‘ Five people I met in heaven’, brought a smile to my face because the book says exactly what I mean here. We often ignore the people whom we come across in life. Either they are irrelevant or inconsequential. But our brain is not foresighted, so it only retains information that it finds is relevant for now. So the people we meet, the action we do are all an offshoot of the way our brain reacts. If you don’t exist for me now, you don’t exist at all! But that’s not true. Someone somewhere will cross our paths again. Haven’t we all come across situations in life where we met somebody for a short while and many years later met again in strange situations?! Don’t we all say ‘The world is a small place’! So isn’t it true that every soul has a purpose.

Everybody I have met has taught me something, good or bad. Whether it is making new friends, letting go of old, meeting complete strangers and reunion with the lost! This one person who taught me how to love yourself, one friend who showed me how beautiful life is. One amazing human I met on the strangest journey’s to Bangalore who taught me how to smile your problems away no matter how big and gory they may be. One friend who taught me to live life king size even when he was broke. He showed me little joys of life that did not need you to be rich with money, but rich at heart. My aunt taught me generosity, my cousin who showed me how to dress well and flaunt! So many friends who taught me what friendship is, even when I was a difficult person to put up with! These are the obvious ones!

But the real lessons you learn from people who are totally obscure. The beggars on the street, I have not seen a single frowning face ever. They may be God’s deprived children, but they don’t even know what they are blessed with. PEACE! No fuss in life coz they are so away from all the stress of it. This one boy I saw in Bandra who apparently lost his left hand in the train blast was working in a hotel serving food! Before that he was working in an MNC in their housekeeping earning well. That’s fighter spirit for you.

I owe a lot to life, for teaching me things that my text books forgot to teach me. I owe it to all the people who have touched my life by existing in it and being a part even if they were in the crowd. The five people I’d like to meet in heaven would be –

- My Mother, I have some questions to ask

- Charu, coz I will need her everywhere

- My friend Atul, for inspiring me, always

- My great grandfather, whose valiance I have only heard about.

- this one man, who I choose not to name, to settle a score up there!

I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you learn to appreciate them when they're right. You believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself...and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.

Marylyn Monroe

Jhoom Le!

Jhoom Le... saare gham bhool ke... jhoom le...

She doesnt remember the lyrics clearly, but this is what is lingering in her for the past 48 hours. Any specific reason why? Yes.... these are the lyrics of the first ever ad film she shot! No ordinary story my friends... it's genuinely a dream come true. A lebanese telecom giant, comes to India to shoot a bollywood routine with even bigger giants like Farah Khan in the director's seat, Ravi Chandran who makes it all look so good on screen and Omung Kumar the hand behind the fab set... and one new AD among 2 experienced one's...running around the sets trying to make some sense out of the controlled chaos...that's me!

My first ad shoot with with such big names is something i will remember for the rest of my life. I was handling costumes and Ashima who was the chief AD is the most charming and helping AD you'd find around here. Pierre was a darling, he virtually handheld me through the shoot, sweetly telling me how to give claps, how to deal with people, how to always avoid being around a temperamental director and tips that i will remember for life! I was like a total novice! No clue about anything that was happening. Doing what was asked from me. I was totally lost in the madness on the set enjoying every moment. I ran up and down two floors some 20 times, but every drop of sweat that ran down my cheek felt like it was blocking me so the sun won't stop me.... every time my name was called i felt like i existed... everytime i did my job well i felt i achieved something... everytime my feet twinged i knew i had more distance to cover and i have chosen the right path... everytime the wind blew dirt in my hair it meant i would wash it all off and be readier tomorrow! I may have looked like a total tart on day one but i picked up on day two and day three i was proud of myself to have understood a lot and found my ground finally!

Roll camera... action! All this was music to my ears... those blindling lights... that flurry to give the clap on time... getting yelled at and yet being given responsibility... it all felt so good! When the lights went off after pack up...i din't want to leave the set! This is what i want to do so how can it end so soon! But thankfully... i have another experience lined up soon.

I frankly had no idea this was so easy... had i known this before, i would have come much earlier.... but Jalal saab said once ' Bindu ki maa...jab jab jo jo hona hai tab tab so so hota hai'.... i can't control time and surely not my fate! But i am glad to be one of the few handpicked lucky ones to get to work with such big names always on my firsts! Such is life...

Har Jagah Khuda Hai!

SV Road, Lokhandwala, 7 bunglows, Santacruz, Khar, Bandra, Mahim, Dadar, Malabar... हर जगह खुदा है। जहाँ नही खुदा वहाँ हम खोद देंगे। पूरे मुंबई में मानो खोद खोद के भगवान ढूंढ रहे हो।

Just last week i had to replace the suspension of my car and we all know it doesnt come cheap. Whatever may be the cost involved it can be paid up, what about the nuisance and stress that it creates? Who would and how to compensate for that? Although my office is 10 mins away from where i live, every morning i have to do a painstaking 25-30 min drive to work thanks to the metro rail, underground cabling, sewer pipelines and road leveling all happening together. I wonder how so many people and departments wake up all together and dig the whole city up at the same time without thinking of the convenience and safety of the commuters.

On the link road, i remember, this one big machine pulley tilted and fell on a rickshaw killing a man in the auto. It was on plump Andheri - Versova link road. Heaviest traffic for all who travel that patch every day. One bump after the other, ducking vehicles, auto rickshaws and then potholes... i feel no less than a Schumacher when i touch down at office. Its like winning a task, completing a challenge or winning a war... the feeling is transcendent!

The roads magically get dug up and take their own sweet time to reach completion like we have zillion years of life each. Who gives them the permit to dig up roads whenever, where ever and however they want to? Honestly the most amount of inconvenience is caused to us and we go through all the trouble, stress and long grueling drives with the 43* sun above our heads on roads, we should be asked before digging up any road! Go by what majority says if there is no other way of getting permits. Or atleast pls check if any locality or road in about 400 mtrs area is dug up already. Slight planning. We wouldn't mind if there is some method to the madness. One by one, systematically... good lord not all together. Today i discover a chor-gali to escape the main road traffic and tomorrow that is dug up too! Gimme a break ya... don't test our patience. As it is auto rickshaws are enough trouble on road to convert us to formula one champs.

इस देश में वाकई हर जगह खुदा है !

Clown!

Blue, green, purple, yellow, red are the shades of his life. Red is what describes him best, Vibrant! Alive! Lively! His lips are red as red can be. His smile can bring a laugh on any glum face. His antics can put you into splits.

He takes the stage, rather is pushed to take it by the trapeze artist that dragged him on. His pants fall off as soon as he comes on stage. Hurriedly he holds on to one side of the pant and looks around at the laughing crowd. He frowns and the crowd sniggers, he smiles and the crowd bursts out into laughter. The fire eater blows fire from his mouth onto his face. He is jostled away into the pond of water with his head on fire. The audience cracks up. He gets up with a quirky smile on his face as if he is up to another mischief. A trapeze sways him off his feet high up in the air and throws him down on the net. He waggles his hands and legs in the air as he falls on the trampoline and bounces back as high in the air. The trapeze kicks him on his left butt and he gets tossed as he gets kicked on the right and falls down on the trampoline face down. His red lips smudge up to the ear. He gets off the trampoline to be chased out of the stage by a dog. The audiences love him. They laugh and clap for him. His job is done for the day. Today he made 1500 odd faces smile.

He has returned to his room, sitting in front of the mirror. He sees children go by behind him, pointing towards him laughing and throwing popcorn at him. He turns around and makes funny faces at them. They laugh and go by. He turns around removes his cap with blue hair to show his bald skull. He wipes off his red lips to reveal a frown. He washes his make up to expose the sad face. As he looks at the mirror he tries to identify with the person he is looking at. Goes closer to the mirror, touches the reflection and retracts. He is repulsed. Tears wash out the make up on his eyes and blackened droplets roll down his white painted cheeks. He stood up startled. Changed into his tattered pale clothes and walked out.

A pier burning with a body on it. He has finally done the last rights for his mother. He returns home to an empty house. His mother was the only joy in his life. When he would return home after making innumerable faces light up, his mom was the one who made him smile. He sleeps with his naked face and bare head exposed to the world that doesn’t recognize him like this. He has a job again. The same trapeze, the same fire eater, the same pool and the same dog. Audiences change but his face beneath the make up remains the same. The crowd sees his histrionics but miss his tears. They clap on his jokes but overlook the pain. They see the smudged red lips but don’t see the bleeding heart.

Today, he is quiet. The clown has lost his laughter. No joke in the world can make him laugh. Life played a joke on him and he couldn’t laugh at it. The jester!

We swing both ways

Yah! The whole country swings both ways. We are shamelessly spineless and blatantly ignorant about it. We as a country are collective morons. I know this will fuel a lot of negativity and bad vibe for me and I am sure a few nasty comments too.

The fact is, I would like to re-emphasize, I love my country too much to see anybody maligning it. Only that I have a curious mind and I question everything that puzzles me. I genuinely feel that we as a country are two faced. We say something when we do something else. Its unfortunate that an entire nation so progressive is that regressive in its thoughts. No progress can ever happen unless we progress in our thoughts and in turn actions.

We are broad minded is a very ‘cool’ thing to say. So many parents say that they are broad minded and yet when their children do something not so acceptable, they are grounded. I have been thinking about this for long. It started in Indore when our office was raided by the Bajrang Dal protesting against us celebrating V-day. Out of the many protestors defaming us and cursing us for celebrating what they feel is ‘anti-India’ culture, I saw atleast three of them by the evening dating their girls by the evening in a swanky café! How pro culture is that? Such a bunch of sanctimonious goons. All of them actually. They believe in convenient truth, convenient facts and convenient religion. It gets twisted whenever they want. Such a shame!

Innumerable incidents that I can think of off the cuff, Sania Mirza wearing short clothes for tennis was issues a fatwah against and what about the Nigar Khan’s and Mumaith Khan’s who don’t wear anything! Hritik and Ash were subject to a silly PIL for their sizzling kiss on screen when I am sure the person must have enjoyed watching it, rewinding and playing it a zillion times, more than anybody! Many more really…

I very strongly support sex education at school level. Look at our ‘leaders’ who want to build an ideal country, so subconscious creating a monster beneath, the monster of lack of education about the most basic instinct in our race. I don’t understand if you send them to pre-pre-school at a tender age of 2+ where they anyway pick up habits and culture that you don’t want them to, so why hold back education that is so important. Are we fools to blind ourselves to the fact that this generation is far far ahead of us in terms of access to information of any kind. Information that can be misleading or may be even irrelevant. Who has given us the right to hold back information anyway? What do these politicians and so called moral polices have to say about teenage pregnancies, child rapes and sexual molestation in schools? The biggest health threat world over is AIDS and everybody is struggling to curb it at whatever level possible. Drugs being invented, crores being spent on the medicine, massive education and awareness campaigns run across and we are doing nothing to help it. How good would you feel when your children get all the wrong information from somewhere else? How would you feel if they are contracted with AIDS, god forbid! Who are you going to blame? SEX, was given to the world by us. We are boastful of the fact that we have temples devoted to sex and it still attracts tourists by the thousands. Why do we hide in shame what is so part of our culture?

Bangalore – women beaten up by the Sree Ram Sena, a self proclaimed culture police, for going to a pub! They call themselves Ram Sena. When in the name of god did Ram teach anybody to beat women up? Well, actually less should I speak about the Indian god culture also. Our ancient temples and drawings always depicted women’s nude upper half and we talk of clothes that are anti-culture! Such an oxymorn! We worship Lord Shiva, in the form of a shiv-ling. What exactly is a shivling? It’s a male genital progressing out of a female base. A shivling is always found with a yoni. The symbol can be deciphered in many ways. The most common being, Lord Shiva is considered to be the destroyer of life form thus giving way to creation of new. The symbol hence stands for creation of life. It’s the androgynous communion of energies and universe. The epics and Puranas tell how a great fire appeared from the cosmic waters, and from this flame Linga Shiva emerged to claim supremacy and worship over Brahma and Vishnu, when he was castrated because he seduced sages’ wives in the pine forests of Himalayas. He castrated himself because no one could castrate the Supreme Lord. Thus fallen phallus of the Supreme Lord destroyed all the worlds until it reached the Yoni of Uma/Parvati and cooled down. All procreation of worlds started after the worship of Yoni-Linga was restored and all Gods, including Vishnu and Brahma accepted supremacy of Lord Shiva. This may be perverted for some, but yes we actually worship a LINGA, since childhood… little did we know then! Yet we are averse to educating ourselves about Sex.

Another very interesting story I learnt a few days ago. My friend who is extremely fond of food and has a fair amount of knowledge about it shared this with me. The Goddess of food is offered rice and ghee. Lord Shiva had invited her to earth to beg for Rice (bheeksha) which he then distributed throughout the world. The rice was not cleansed unless it was mixed with ghee. Apparently ghee is a representation of Lord Shiva’s sperm. So only when ghee is mizxed with the rice is it pure enough to be given away to the world. Ghee was what he had mixed in the many ingredients that gave birth to Lord Ganesha.

So, are you hiding in shame already? Our race is the proud creator of the world’s most respected literature ‘Kamasutra’. We have the richest culture in the whole of the universe yet we cannot hold our stand? We are ready to kill in the name of religion but are united in useless things, a religion that was never a religion. Hinduism, is a way of life not a religion. We are such a pretentious crowd. We make believe in a delusion and ignore the facts. We make our own rules that change according to our convenience. Our religion is merely a cover up for a lot of our angst inside that we take out in such a disgraceful manner. We hide behind what we should ideally defend. I wish this country was not so cowardly and regressive about its thinking. I wish for a brighter country with really broadminded leaders in every sense.

I have very few good options to choose from the current contestants, so my vote, I am not sure would go for the deserving candidate. Yet I hope that one day, one among us will stand up to clean the dirt in our minds. As for now, I can write, so I have.

PS: I am not an atheist, neither am I anti-religion and certainly not here to hurt any feelings. I am a staunch Hindu and I have worshipped all the aforesaid deities with no less respect and faith. My issue is with the people who twist the facts and run away from it. I have a problem with people who have double standards. Rest can rest in peace.

Do I Believe You???

One bitten twice shy. She swears by it. She has just gotten out of a tumultuous relationship and she is relieved and how! Some 4 odd men she dated in the past have all been losers. Not that she has a thing for such men but I guess subconsciously she likes to parent rotten men. She thought this last guy would be the 'forever one in her life. They had made promises to each other, they had dreamed of a family together, they had planned the future together and today he is walking his way and so is she.

Each one had assured her a secure future and each one of them failed. They were all flunkies right from the beginning. They could never rise up to their own expectations let alone meeting hers. They were all kids in their teens not wanting to grow up. That’s a bit of a problem coz she was growing up everyday and the age gap grew on to become a generation gap! That’s not a happy thought to grow up with. In addition to that, they were the most thankless beings on the face of earth.

She always wanted to believe that they all meant what they said. She always wanted to believe that there are happy endings to every relationship. May be breaking up was a happy ending. Nonetheless, she wanted to believe there were genuinely ‘together forever’ like happy endings like she read in fairy tales or MB’s. Sadly they are all only stories. Had there been anything like an ideal man or the right guy, the world we live would be called Utopia. But the fact is we live in dystopia and we fight beliefs, notions and dreams everyday. We see them shatter ever day and yet dream of an idealistic world, where promises are only sentences and ‘I love you’ is a mere statement.

The girl really wanted someone true to his heart and true to his words. You don’t need a He-man to be the man of your dreams, he could be really anybody regular… but lives by his word. Adultery is so easy for men, so it is for women if they want, but you know when a woman is going wrong. Men are born with a poker face. So when he’s say ‘I love you’ like a zillion times in the day, you’d not know if he really means it or is saying to hide his side business. So how do you believe them? She encountered this several times with a guy who was born with the philandering nerve on his sleeve. He would get talking to every girl almost. She was disturbed. She knew deep inside that he loved her and he said that too, but his ways never gave her that confidence in the relationship. The result – they split.

We often say something to please others when we don’t really mean it. Shallow is the word for such people. It’s not a good trait to have becoz you only end up disappointing a lot of people around you. She was disappointed too. He told her he will take care of her issues from past. That’s like ‘the’ thing any chik would ask for from a man… security. She was so reassured and comforted with this guy who later turned out to be such a chicken that he couldn’t even take care of his own crisis. She became a distant picture then. The fissure was obvious between the two and it drove her away from him eventually. They gave each other cold vibes for many days until they realized that too was a waste and would solve no purpose so they completely cut contact. So how does she believe any man when he says ‘I will take care of your worries?’

She has now chanced upon this charming guy, who is unlike all other. Doesn’t express what he feels, doesn’t make fake promises (doesn’t make any at all), doesn’t lie coz what he says hurts which means he speaks the truth and is brutally honest to the point of being brusque. Nice. She is willing to give it another chance and she is giving it a thought as well. He said ‘I am your man, leave all your worries at the doorstep with me’. What does that mean???? She’s thinking now… it’s another rat trap…do I really believe you?

SMS's sometimes....

Some text fwd's on my fone really tick me off... i hate them... some find a place in my saved list. This is one of the nice messages i got that always stays in my inbox

Life means : A winter evening, four friends, mild rain, four pegs of rum. Life means: 100 bucks for petrol, two rusty old bikes, an open road. Life means: Maggi noodles, a hostel room, 3.25am, sonu nigam and asha bhonsle on the radio. Life means: 1 prep leave, 1 night, 1 book, 8 duffers. Life means: 1 girl/ boy, 1 number, 4 friends and a fight.

Now life means: old friends, separate cities, separate lives and endless messages to stay in touch.

I somehow agree... another in this series

Ek din zindagi aise mukaam par pahuch jayegi
dosti sirf yaadon mein reh jayegi
har cup chai yaad doston ki dilayegi
aur haste haste fir aankhein nam ho jayegi

Office ke cabin mein classroom nazar aayegi
par chahne par bhi proxy nahi lag payegi
paise to bahut hoga magar
unhe lutane ki wajah hi kho jayegi

jee le khulke is pal ko mere dost
kyunki zindagi in palon ko
fir se nahi dohrayegi!

:)

You Freak!

You can't be quiet for so long... no no... there is some problem... may be the network is down... or may be something's wrong ... she picks it 5 times in 10 secs to check and re-check and then her face goes pale. Shuts it off and reboots... waits patiently... beats her fingers on the table in anticipation and the phone vibrates for an incoming message. I can see her glow with joy.

She quickly picks her fone up and leaves the meeting. In 10 mins she is back. Keeps the phone on her lap and keeps fiddling with it. Shes a freak!

But so are most of us. We may forget to carry our wallets but will never forget to carry the mobile phone. When we loose one, the whole house comes crashing down. Work stops and everything important ceases to exist. Where ever you go you'd only see people pressing buttons and necks bent. Such is the addiction.

The world is addicted to it. Everywhere, at the bus stop, in the train... in the auto... while driving the car at the signals... in a party... in the loo and in your bedroom while you are at it, absolutely anywhere! Cell phones have invaded our lives and how yet not to forgo the fact that it has invaded our privacy ...!!! At the cost of sounding cliched and preachy 'how can we be addicted to a piece of shit like that?'

I read that an estimated 40% adults the world over use their cell phones for more than 4 hours be it talking, msging or just playing with their phones. Some actually get deeply upset and offended if they do not get a msg or call for a long time. Its a psychological disorder dude! Its addiction of a dangerous kind. I hate talking on phone. I attribute this to the late arrival of any kind of phone in our house. I had my first telephone connection at home when i was in class 12th. I had to go to the PCO to make any kinda call before that. So i am happiest when the phone is not around. Actually life is so peaceful without the phone. Atleast i feel so.

I feel my privacy is invaded the moment my phone rings because the person calling doesnt even have the faintest idea what i may be doing... he would ring up because he felt so! I may be in a meeting.. driving... in the loo.. sleeping anything! What was life without mobile phones earlier? Was the care and concern towards near and dear ones any lesser? Was any work so unimportant then that the person neednt be contacted? I agree to all the shallow shit that its a gadget of convenience and all that crap... but no gadget is convenient if i cannot control the input and output of it. It will never be convenient to me. I am obligated to keep this gadget and now since i have it, i have to keep it switched ON all the time. Work demands fones to be on silent and that's the best time of my day when i cannot hear and fone ringing. In some time you get use to your fones not being around.

I am pissed with this freak invention of some buffoon whose miserable prank of ruining private lives turned into the biggest invention of the century. This invention meant for another sort of communication creeped into ou lives to worsen it only. I choose not to surrender to this device... i choose not to be a slave of this technology. I rather sleep in peace and not wake up in the middle of night with some arbitrary msg tone and stupid creep calling me in the middle of the night. I choose not to be a mobile freak!

I will soon shut my mobile off! Forever! Lemme see how it affects my life or may be not! I rest my case!

The work's of a restless mind

and they lived happily ever after...

Ya that's a Cinderella ending anybody would wish for. All's well that ends well... but what if it doesnt end? Its vicious sometime... don't you feel like the hamster in the treadmill who keeps running endlessly without realising his run will never end, unless he decides to jump out. And sometimes thats the solution. Sometimes when the world is round you have to find another shape to fit yourself in.

This cycle of thots is endless. I cannot divert my mind elsewhere today and this has been like it for many days now. Just constant thots about everything and anything its almost garbage. This can't be called 'thinking' because that is voluntary but with me its an automated process. The moment i wake up my mind picks up at 440kmph in a second and it only stops when i sleep. I dont remember my dreams thats because my mind or the sub-conscious has no one thot to weave a dream about!

Like i said i rarely get headaches and thats only when i am supremely stressed, i can't sit down to begin de-stressing myself bcoz my mind begins to wander. In a psychologists term i am going mad.

Not everything has a happy ending... somethings just end.. without a thot or emotion. Thats when too many emotions go into it and suddenly it becomes too overbearing. The hurt, the pain, the tears, the joy, the smile and simple things attached are no longer special. I actually believe (still) that everything has a happy ending... if its not happy its not the end... but may be somethings dont end either. They just dissolve. Meaninglessly... somethings never end....

Nevertheless, these fleeting thots i know can be put to rest only when i want to, i want to put an end to it but i can't catch hold of a single thot, the thots just keep going on and dont stop... but i know only i can stop my thots but....

Missing! - The 'M' factor in my life

A, B, C, D, .... L, N, O, P....

-issing!!! There's no M in -y life. The -ost i-portant one's that too! You don't feel the loss till you see others around you flaunting it.

MONEY, MEN, MOTHER and now my MIND. Why they went missing? I never questioned. One by one i felt the void the space it left behind as it went. One after the other. Hollow and nullified.

All are necessary. To me all are equally important.

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.

Anais Nin

CHARU- ALAG ISILIYE AKELI

Charu… is at a very special stage in her life. It’s special because very few remain what she is today at her age. They either change or get married or stray or whatever silly they may choose to do with their lives. Yet she feels lonely in the madness around her. We are trying to find the reasons why.

She is old enough to get married… missing out on something really crucial in her life and waiting for it to happen. Those who could understand her have all drifted and found their own paths. Those left were never worthy of understanding. Those who came were new and strange. Strange is the word. They belong to the i-phone and wi-fi generation. Emotions for them are limited to emoticons on IM’s and more so they are limited to ‘’; ‘’; ‘ :S’; ‘:p’ and ‘:x’. Nothing deeper than that. The only words they know are the ones that can be texted. Can’t blame them.

She cannot find a common ground sadly. She is too old for the young generation and slightly young for the old generation. She doesn’t like the old guys and the young guys don’t know what to talk to her. She is different to add to the misery. Different becoz she is emotional, she needs love and she wants to be pampered. There aint nothing wrong in it. But who’s got time?

There is a dearth of like minded people in her life. Someone who can understand her, someone whom she can talk to endlessly at wee hours of the day, someone who can put a smile on her face everytime it droops. But few care. Being emotional can be quiet a burden on some people. Everybody has their plates full and they care less about anybody else’s grief. She is living with humans she thought were her friends. But sadly even when she has humans at home she finds them strange. She is left alone because she cannot talk about boys all the time, she cannot talk fashion all the time, she cannot talk booze and knock out stories all the time… so she is left out. But who cares?!

She is left to find her own neutral ground, its almost like the old age home where when people reach a certain age they go to find ‘like minded people’! It may be anywhere but it becomes important to meet humans who can talk your language or atleast understand it. So when she finds any one person like that, she clings to them, holds onto them. Her fault?

Humans are gregarious, they find their own flock. So what if one in the flock is different? Doesn’t make it any stranger. Charu needs a friend. Charu is not wrong if she is different.

LIKE A PUPPY IN LOVE

When I came home, my dog from any corner of the house was the first to greet me at the door. Wag her tail in a speed that she would take off and begin to fly… jump like she could catch the stars, bark like she could tell me how much she loved me. I was so enticed by such overflow of emotions so what if she is a dog. All she wanted was those 30 secs of petting (love in dog language) and all she gave was a lifetime of unconditional love… till she was alive. I miss her. Infact I miss the unconditional love part really. That was the purest form of love I have ever experienced. It was overwhelming.

Its so hard to find love that doesn’t come with a ‘conditions apply’ tag. I hate to mention the obvious but can’t help. I feel sometimes that your parents also love you in some selfish interest. The ‘self’ here is a little passive though but it does exist. I refuse to believe there is any phenomenon like ‘true selfless love’.

Everybody is a sucker for love. Everybody deep down wants a partner who can love like no one else, who places you before self and loves you like there is no other emotion. That’s called puppy love. And the human heart is so amazingly programmed to detect such love and then fall head over heels for it. It’s a strong emotion, the strongest really. One iota of it transforms your entity and then, imagine getting the love that you always wanted!

The heart is really a sucker for love… it moves from one relation to the other, person to person in search of pure magnetic emotions. And the moment you find it, you cannot let go of it. and why am I writing all this out of the blue? …. Just!

SURREAL ILLUSION

My stint with TV got over in Feb and I was freelancing ever since. I wanted a stable job but thanks to recession TV wasn’t hiring then. I was writing my animations… my films and took up a new book to read without complaining about the situation and cashing on to the “me time”. This one day my roomie suggested I give out my CV into films since that’s what I want to do eventually so why waste time hither-tether. Made sense… and the next day I had a mail from a group on facebook posting requirements for assistant directors and I applied and forgot about it.

So this lame Monday afternoon I get a call. I was speechless for sometime coz I never expected the call to land up in the first place since I have no film experience whatsoever. I thot who cares! No harm meeting n so I went. Versova- Nadiadwala house… 30 mins and I met Sajid who is directing the film and I was in! He insists I got the film becoz of my surname that I share with the legendary film maker and father of Indian cinema Dadasaheb Phalke, but really that’s the only thing we share… no relation! We chatted for almost an hour and shared our common passion for cinema and I thought ‘wow! No better person to learn from than Sajid, the encyclopedia of films’. I was exhilarated and was really dumbfounded. I wasn’t able to converse with him even a single line properly. I kept telling him I never thot it would be so easy and he kept smiling.

I returned home making calls to possibly everybody close to me and announcing to them. This was the biggest move of my life. So close to my dream that I can’t believe am actually there. I truly believe that when you really badly want something the cosmos conspires to make it happen for you. This is not out of the book but a true life experience. Everytime I wanted something I got it…. my dad thought I was pig headed and stubborn but eventually realized that I dint have to go to the extent of being obstinate at all to get what I want. I just had to wish it. All that was happening in the span of 3 days was surreal and seemed like an illusion. Even the illusion seems like weird. The shoot will be abroad, 3 months in 3 countries… so there my dream of visiting London is fulfilled with a bonus of 2 other countries that I don’t know of yet.

When life gives you wounds it heals them too. Just a matter of time I feel. I have seen many ups and downs in the past 12 months in my career, personal life and my relationship. Every time it seemed like the world would end this time but every time I was given a chance or a reason to get up and walk. Every time I fell down I had a hand that would help me get up and that means a lot to me. Strange are the ways of life. Two big dents in the past 3 months and both have been filled. I am still recuperating but I am not sad thinking about it. Whatever happens, happens for good and both the grave incidents have only made me stronger and taught me how to fight back. No trash talk, no mush, no emotional crap but simply live the life that has been gifted to me. My otherwise dreary and melancholic life suddenly had a spring of energy in it and I am smiling again. It’s been long I must say that I have felt so happy… from within. Few things that make me truly happy from within – travel, my people and the smile that I can bring on my close one’s face. All three happened together in the past 10 days.

I know my life will not be the same again but all I know is whatever it will be from here on, it’s only going to be awesome! I am learning to live with whatever life is giving to me – some things that I expect, some things less than that… some little surprises and some little shocks. But that’s life ryt!

I am rejuvenated and a new person now… ready to tread through the walk of life. Sometimes surreal illusions are too beautiful to let go of! I am living in one….

back and how!

So much to write… am writing after such a long time that I don’t know where to start. Life has been slightly tight and at times it becomes so busy that you do not have time for yourself. For me its been more of wasted occupancy than any useful utilization of it.

The past two months I have met people of kinds that I had only heard of. I had a brush with what is commonly known as “the TV crowd”. No am not awestruck, but I am just amazed at how phony and distraught these lives are. Every moment is a put on far from what you really are. But one has to drop all the pretence and face reality at some point everyday that is when you face the mirror!

What I realized was each one these faces had a face that they would never act out and bring out to public. Its their own actual face. Very few really have the courage to be themselves and those are the one’s who win your hearts. I met a few who were true to themselves and took no time to befriend them. Its hard to differentiate though who’s acting and who’s not but most often you can figure out who’s for real. Anyway, I made friends with a few. But the biggest learning was the people around me. With the industry going through it worst phase and so are the people, I have learnt not to trust anyone but your own self. Owing to the bad times, everybody is insecure and understandably so. But securing your job at the cost of others is a little unreal. I came across people who would stomp over you to get noticed, there are plenty who would bitch gossip and tweak reality in order to be in good books of some. But the worst are people who hold back information; resist to open their mouths when they know what they know can save somebody’s ass from fire. I am much more aware now and slightly more confident of facing this new world.

However, I made a few really good friends… met few really good people who were a revelation of sorts. This journey on the show and TV per se has been very exciting and enlightening for sure. I know where I stand and I know where I have to head from here. I am in new waters and I am still testing them. Its only unfortunate that my tests are happening at a very wrong time when the opportunities are fewer and the temperaments are fiery. Nonetheless, I am glad I made the move. Lot I may have lost, but what I gained being here is much more in terms of bonds and knowledge.

Post that I was at home… my sister got engaged to her friend who she was seeing for 7yrs. My ex-boss said once ‘ 7yr itch… have you heard of it? People usually fall out after 7 yrs’ and here I am… exactly after 7 yrs…. Looking at my sister and smiling away to glory! It all went well. Then I was doomed in this endless depression of how, why, when and oh hell! Like I had once said, I am afraid of lack of clarity. When I can’t see things I get scared most and I am in that situation again. It comes very often ...this situation! But its easier to deal with sometimes… this time is different.

Anyhow I am glad I am back… would be slightly more active here now on depending on mood and my new silly broadband connection which is slower than the gsm on my cell. And yes thanks to a friend of mine who wrote in to me and reminded me how long it was since I had written!

Dev D to Preeti P

Am back.. after a really long time. Honestly i missed writing in all these days that i wasnt here. Not that my blog is like amitabh's, if i do not write everyday i may disappoint many! but yes its and addiction... i cant keep away for long.

What kept me away for long was my shoot. My first TV project that was a tiring yet learning experience for me and something that happily kept me away from writing. The shoots over... made a lot o friends... had a lot of fun... and now am back here.

In the past 60 days i have encountered different people with radically different mentalities. Some i am pleasantly surprised about and some i am not. But what has struck me the most is the intricacy with which minds work here. At times i would stand awestruck at how a few would run over you without you knowing it! Each one is for themselves and everybody wants to be politically correct. A little unwelcoming welcome to the world of tv but no regrets!

So the first instance i got i saw Dev D... without any telephone calls interrupting me to ask for dates... where the scripts were... why wasnt xyz not responding... and i had a blast. I loved the movie.. so much so that i saw it twice..on consecutive nights. Its a dark movie no doubt.. very trippy! Wonder what made people invest in a movie so whimsical.. but you do need to open your eyes to a different perspective yeah!

Dev D- nothing is similar to the old counterparts in must say apart from the name of the characters. The whole movie is a metaphor. A metaphor that describes the world right now, the people right now... The movie is near maddening... it depresses you.. it leaves you with a bitter taste in your throat about half the things Dev does...

The movie juxtaposes the film makers thoughts as opposed to what the writer had originally conceived it to be. Anurag's Dev D is the same self obsessed man who 'thinks' he loves his childhood friend a lot but was a coward to have not stood by his love. He takes to drugs alcohol and in his own self pity ends up hurting people around him. He makes his pain look bigger than it actually is.

Paro has moved on... and well there is nothing wrong in it... her life is not indebted to him so why should she die for him or the lack of his love? She was smart enough to have moved on made a family. She knows her life and love would have been fulfilled had she been with Dev D... but she doesnt regret not having it either. She is a strong woman.

Chanda here is the weakness. She keeps pulling Dev back and makes him weak. She has been through a lot herself. But she doesnt let Dev overcome his love for Paro. Chanda's love is unconditional... she doesnt bother if Dev still loves Paro... she has only given in love... Dev is blind! There is a dialogue in the movie that so simply sums Dev's character, where chanda says "tum apne alawa kisi aur se pyar kar hi nahi sakte.... tumhe to is aaine se shadi kar leni chahiye" i loved the line.

In one of my previous posts i had written, its beautiful how each and every moviegoer interprets the movie in his own way. Dev D is a mad example of it. We have all seen the Devdas's of old times... the Saigal, Kumar and Khan version of it... this one blew my mind.

Well for me... i am pushed an inch closer to realizing my dream... unlike Dev who remorsed the loss in his life and absorbed himself into an endless depression...i don't identify with any character from this film... i had my own interpretation...

Till my next lesson in life... :))

Kal Ki Picture

Kal maine picture dekhi
Kya hero tha kya fight thi
Heroine ekdum mast thi
as usual uski choli tight thi

kuch bhi story likh dalo
do char gaane bana dalo
aur thoda oomph mila do
lo ho gayi picture tayyar!!!!

Main bhi picture likh sakta hoon
Bada director ban sakta hoon
Uss hero se achha action kar sakta hoon
Bas ek chance ka hi to wait hai

Mere group mein rockstar hoon
Kabhi chance na mila to kya
Mere talent pe koi to nazar ghumayega
Notice ho jaun bas fir to superstar hoon

Har picture ke baad main hero hoon
Actually sabhi aisa sochte hain
Agar luck na khule to
Apni destiny ko koste hain

Dude, hum to screen ke
iss taraf hi thik hai
mil jaye to mil jaye
maange to bheek hai!!!!

Har Indian sochta hai
Ke wohh uss hero se better hain
Kapde to tip top kar logey apne
Muh kholte hi gutter hain

Mera toh style hi alag hai
Har baat mein ada hai
Sorry, kal ki picture ka mujhpe
Asar thoda jyada hai!

Sulk... finally!

so there is a thorn in my heart... its been there for many years now and i have got so use to it that it exists only when it hurts.

I hate to be sad, negative and upset over things in life. The life that we live is far superior than that of most 'things' around us so we really have no reason to complain. So what if we do not have enough and more money, so what if we are unhappy about the way our live functions, so what if people around u are not the ones you'd choose to live with... so what! We are privilaged and i mean it, to be living a life where we get to experience such vividity and diversity in the worst complexities.

I often imagine... when the dog in our house gets ignored does he complain? When the fish in the pond are not spoken to, do they feel bad? When the bird in the cage doesn't get to celebrate new year, does it mind? or the cat when not loved enough does it feel less important or cared for? We are so far far superior to many living on the planet sharing our space and it is such a waste of a life to be complaining.

The aura gets disturbed, suddenly you get depressed and everything becomes gloomy for no apparent reason really! i would be such a daft to be just let go of the life that i coming to me without any efforts. Anyway i would really not want to sulk anymore... coz thats not me!

for all those who do... i pity them... such a waste of oxygen they are!