The war I did not choose to fight

The last 2 months have been hard. Very very hard. I thought i was fine, i was holding up well. But work was temporary distraction i guess. I found myself in the dark space again. In my head i was fighting a war. So my family finally knows about it. I couldn't deal with it all alone. Its a hard battle to fight when you live alone in a city that can kill you every single moment, where nobody would find out whether you are or aren't till a foul smell doesn't disturb their life.

Yep! That's how sick my thoughts get. I don't want to be alone. I don't have the strenght physically and a lot of other things-wise to fight this war. I am visiting a new doctor this Monday, back to medications and counselling.

But what happened since my last post to now is a lot of people spoke to me about feeling similar things. I was taken aback. I am not alone, believe so are you! I was very happy they reached out to me. Someone to say the least! It's very important. Its brave to recognise how you feel, identify there is a problem in the first place and then the wish to rectify it is a big step in itself.

'Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die.' 

To all those struggling with mental issues of any degree, please reach out the moment you realise you don't belong there! I am no expert here, i am struggling myself. Let me give you a knee jerk by telling you, it is merely a disbalance of chemicals in your head. Medicine and food can bring it back to normal, but that cannot happen until you have any willingness to help yourself.

Sometime in history i remember watching a documentary on the magical brain. A very interesting theory said that sadness is a result of low dopamine in the brain. This is the unsexy truth of this problem. Low Dopamine level can be dangerously addictive. I'll tell you how. When your natural levels drop, you take drugs that induce Dopamine. The brain experiences a sudden rush of pleasure, that what it seeks. So it looks for more of it. That's how you get addicted to drugs. You cannot consume these drugs if the natural level is balanced, so the brain never lets your level be normal, hence leaving you addicted to medicine or even drugs like cocaine etc. Ugly, isn't it!

But i will point down the few things that have tremendously helped me naturally get my head to a balance and i feel can help anyone.

1. Feeling Low - this is a constant in my life. Nothing excites me anymore. So i push myself to do things that i previously found exciting. Travel, sing, dance, party, adventure or whatever the heck it means! PUSH yourself out of the low. You will never experience a high instantly but atleast from the dumps you will come to ground zero. That's some growth! Go for walks, get some exercise. Join a gym, swim, run, walk your dog, walk your human... just go out!

2. Hopelessness - I swear on Almighty, nothing gives me more hope than seeing other people. I go to crowded places, often coffee shops or markets or parks and observe people. Lot of them thought i was a creep but really, i was just reading them, on their exteriors i was trying to read the stories within. I also attended a few self help workshops. I took to chanting. To each his own really. But hope is everywhere. Mostly when i see myself under a roof, getting two square meals, I feel privileged.

3. Low self esteem - Honestly, i haven't come through this fully, so i cannot make fake comments

4. Feeling tearful or guilt ridden - aaah damn! all the time, for no reason! I listen to music. Science is really not stupid and those who spent their lives on researching the benefits of music for healing depression werent mental after all! Music actually helps. My neighbors think i am cuckoo, but i sing aloud when i get teary or guilty! I sing my lungs out... it not only elevates my chemical, it also releases happy hormones. Try not sing 'tooth dil ke gaane' I have marked a happy playlist for such times. It helps! Also, i fake smile sometimes. Like i look into the mirror and smile as wide as i can. I try to feel it as well...

5. Finding it difficult to focus or make decisions - While i am writing this, i have 3 other windows open. Word docs, i have work, i have to write but i haven't been able to focus on either for more than 5 mins. Meditation helps. Nothing spiritual about it really. Doesnt make you any less cooler. Just that, it trains your mind to focus on the moment. I read somewhere 'Meditation is not about controlling your thoughts, its about not letting your thoughts control your mind'. Try it! I have moved to 'Theta Meditation' and it has opened my mind a lot. I haven't unlocked my 100% yet but i will get there soon

6. Self Harm - This is the worst zone! The moment there is a thought like that, just make a call to someone, talk to someone, random, anyone, about anything. Go down, talk to your chowkidar for all you care! Just don't be alone at that point. Alcohol is your worst enemy if your thoughts are suicidal. Alcohol drops you mood, hence i request not to resort to it. Suicidal thoughts can, in an instant, become reality. For anyone who has ever been here, you know how close you've been to end of story! Please have a friend on speed dial and make that call before you do anything to yourself.

The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us, but those who win battles we know nothing about.

Please don't sit sad, don't let your brain get addicted to sadness. Seek help, or self help. We're not dying of this, so don't kill yourself already please.

PS: Feeling depressed and suffering from depression are two phenomenally different things. Pls consult a qualified doctor and not Web MD your symptoms before self diagnosing!

The Dark Side of Me

'It's a phase, you'll be fine"

"Just snap out of it, go meet people, do what you like"

"Doctor's n all is bull crap, stop all this medication. Stop believing something's wrong with you"

These are just a few very common advices i got while i was battling with the worst nightmare of my life. It crawled in without knocking once. Its dark shadow had engulfed me before i knew it. I couldn't do anything but get sucked into it. I did not want to meet people, i did not want to socialise, i did not feel like faking it as well, I felt hopeless, fatigued without doing anything, i put on weight, i just wanted to sleep through the day, cry, eat and die.

Nothing that i loved doing interested me anymore. I became negative, i had no one to talk to, i felt like no one wanted me around anymore. To add to my misery i had no work, some of my very close people left me, people around me spoke ill of me, my talent and ability to work was questioned, i was declared a nincompoop. I struggled with this goddamn illness for a whole year n a half. The person i shared the roof with also never found out what i was going through. Nobody! Nobody until today. Because i choose to write about it.

Clinical Depression. Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed about a year and a half ago along with insomnia. I wrote about it a year ago on FB but one of my very highly educated friends asked me to pull it off because i am not 'Deepika Padukone' and i should not seek sympathy. But i would like to inform my dear educated friend that EMPATHY is what a person in my condition needs and bullshit pep talk will not help. When i was socially disconnected, all i needed was a hand that reaches out to me to pull me out of this dark space. When it became too much for me to bear, i went on medication. For a year... i was on pills twice a day, i was barely in my senses because i was always groggy, slurring because of the heavy dosage, hazy and still trying to hold on to something good in life that will keep me away from doing the condemned.

Life isn't easy. I went for a script narration to a reputed Production house and messed it up so bad, i never was called back for any work there. Can't blame them. I have lost insane amount of work because of how i approached it during this battle. I had no money to pay up rent because i wasn't working. I ate off my savings. The little amount of work i did, paid me enough to survive in this city. My concentration was zero, i couldnt focus on work for more than 5 minutes. So most people thought i was inconsistent. Medicines messed with my BP and i was passing out anywhere, people joked i am so bored i was sleeping everywhere.

I realise in the past 2 years how little people know about depression or any mental illness for that matter. My doctor tells me, depression takes a good 10 years to slip in till you realise the damage it has done. That explains, the occurances in my life 10 years ago have now shown its ugly face. I am good at putting up a happy face. In worst of my days, my closest people never found out what i was going through. Because i was never hospitalised na! People take notice only when you're in that bed with drips hanging from your wrists, when you post selfies like wow sucha big event! But, I would smile through it. This time was different. I couldn't smile. People assumed and tagged me 'ANTI-SOCIAL'. 'Don't do drama' was most commonly said, Well thank you! Such kind words!!!

Mental illness is far deeper and irrepairable than most people think. One can be cured of depression yes, but the damage it does, stays with you for life and changes you as a person forever. It's not as easy as 'Yaar, i can't take this vacation, i am so depressed'. Once you go on that vacation, you won't be depressed anymore. With me, i wouldn't want to go on a vacation, even if i do, i will still be depressed.

I voluntarily got off pills this January, i refused to battle anymore. I know it was a mistake, i shouldn't self diagnose my condition. My doctor yelled at me but i refused to pop pills anymore. I struggle with dark days on and off because i did not continue my medication. For these 21 months in the past have taught me a lot. Who my true friends are, where i stand, who i am, people's expectations of me and who must stay in my life. For all those who saw my status last time, I am recovering, slowly. I will get there. Soon.

Only a few people knew about my situation, my sister, my best friends Shardul & Charu. Had it not been for these 3, i would have perhaps not been alive to write about the past 21 months. Shardul came back from Abu Dhabi at the right time when i needed him the most. Charu was away, we spoke on phone, she made time to speak with me on phone and make sure i am alright. My sister, with her pregnancy, ensured i am not stressed. Shardul made every possible effort to pull me out of my confinement and make me meet new people, take me out for movies, plant me in a situation where i am compelled to laugh. Charu, despite her own struggles has been a strong support and my sounding off board.

I have a few things to tell people -
1. Depression is not a state of the mind, its a disease, like cancer, cholera, swine flu or anything that basically gets your sympathy going.
2. Do not, for heavens sake, advice a person in depression to 'snap out of it, its a phase'. Because you my fellas are the worst equipped to help anyone out. God save you!
3. Please, observe people around you, the change in their behaviour, the change in their face. People who are depressed are not going to walk up to you and say 'hey i am depressed, come hang with me'. YOU have to extend that hand out to help, if they really matter to you.

Depression is not glamorous. It can happen to anyone. Be kind if not anything else. For all those who walked away during this time, God Bless you, may you have only happy people around around you! For those who stayed, i owe my life to you. Things will change, I still have hope.

I am fine, i am feeling better.... baby steps :)

Unbeautiful

I am unbeautiful.
I am 35. I have been in and out of relationships. All of them, more painful than the previous. All of them made me feel like I was just an option. I am pretty. I am told so, and i believe i am not unattractive for sure. I am intelligent. I know i am. I am smart, i am talented. I love to travel. I give space. I don't question too much. I don't pester too much. I seek space. I am not nagging. I am not unforgiving. I am accomadating. I am adjusting. I don't talk a lot, but there are positive exceptions to this. I am independant. I can fix my own appliances. I am a good driver. I cook fairly well. I love cooking. I eat a lot. I am not fussy. I am fashionable. I am stylish. I have a unique sense of style. I am very individualistic. I am a loner, yet i love people. I love animals. I love movies. I am funny. I am extremely witty. I can mimic. I sing well. I talk blunt. I am adventurous. I travel alone. I have tattoos. I am slightly tomboyish, yet feminine when i need to be. I dance decently. I am strong physically.

Yet, i am single. There is not a single man on this planet who loves me for who i am. Not a single man who would want to accept me.

I don't want to be unloved! I want someone to love me wholly. I dont want to return to an empty home. Where no one is waiting for me. I want to be someone's first choice. I want someone to wake me up with a kiss. I want to wrap my arms around someone to go to sleep. If i stay awake i want to chat with someone all night. I want to walk holding hands. I want someone to hold me from behind when i am unaware. I want to put my head on his shoulder when another girl looks at him just to show he's mine. I want to travel with him. I want to watch movies. I want to watch sunrises and sunsets together. I want to not be talented, if that is a problem. I am fine being less talented than that someone. I will nag if that is going to fetch me love. I will harass, not adjust, be adamant, stubborn and argumentative. I will pester. I will keep calling and checking upon. Will leave no room to breathe if that helps. I will bang the car while i reverse. I will ruin electronics and pretend like i never even touched them! I will wear frills, flown gowns, paint my nails like every other girl. I will laugh at jokes after 2 hours or laugh non stop for 2 hours. I will go 'aaaaawwwwwww' when i see cute puppies. I will articulate. I will train to sing and dance. I won't get adventurous at all. I will hide my tattoos, unfortunately i can't undo them. I will behave frail. If only all this fetches me love.

I have not been complimented in ages. I have not been told how beautiful i am. I have not been reminded how i may be centre of someones world. Nobody finds me attractive? Nobody? Nobody feels i am worthy of their love? Not a single man that would want to spend some time with me... let alone a lifetime. I am everything a man seeks in his woman, yet i am single. What is not working for me? May be i am just.... unbeautiful. 

Picture stories

They say every picture has a story to tell. So here are two links of my picture stories

http://500px.com/preetiphalke

https://www.facebook.com/PicstoryofLove

College Days

Wrote this for a friend to make his college anthem:

On this networking site, on a dull boring night

I stumbled upon a long lost friend.

I sifted through his pictures and confirmed his request

And reminisced all the great time we had spent.

The college canteen was more like home

It saw many a romances bloom

Where samosa and chai were staple diet

And those odd tawa pulao’s would cause a major riot

A new girl meant headline

Every guy’s heart would resign

And if she smiled back at you

Every day would be valentine

Best friends attended your proxy

Bunking college was sexy

Going to movies was fun

No! We weren’t yet done.

Drawing doodles on the wall

Aping professors for all

Borrowing bikes for the weekends

Borrowing to money to meet ends

When you can’t talk you make chits

And drive the principal out of his wits.

Waking up early for school

Snoozing in the assembly like a fool

Covering tiffins and eat

Winning sack races was a feat.

Dispersing on the play ground

As soon as the bell rang

We dint care who laughed

However out of tune we sang.

How simple was life

No emotional disguise

Freedom was following your heart

Now life has fallen apart

These is no way you can replace

The special place those days hold

These are just ones that we know

There are stories plenty untold

Life had color, in more than one ways

I wanna relive my childhood days

What is it like to meet SRK?

25th Nov, 2011: this date will also have a special mention on my gravestone. The reason is simple, i met SRK on this day. I have met him 3 times before what is the big deal today? So this day on my 4th meeting i actually 'MET' him. It is a feeling beyond words to be embraced by SRK, to be in the same space as him not because he is a film star, but because he is what he is without a godfather in an industry that thrives on them. I have immense love and deep respect for what SRK is today, what he has achieved on his own just chasing a dream. I have a dream too and when i met him it gave me that confidence and the drive to chase it like a mad cow. What is so special about him after all? I was like a teenage spellcound starstruck school girl giggling in the crowd looking at SRK. Litle did i know what was gonna hit me. I have always been introduced as someones associate, assisting on something somewhere... It is a feeling of great pride to meet SRK as me. As a person who is something by her own merit. The way people look at achievers and achievements is different and so applies to SRK. I probably wouldnt be in the same space had i not achieved something or have been worthy enough in life to be there. I came back completely and totally awesttruck.... impressed and swept away by his charm and warmth. Another dream fulfilled... strike it off my list.... this man gives me the courage to dream... and dream big.... i should've ideally written this post right after i came back from the party... i was too excited actually.... am posting after a long time and nothing inspired me to write all these days... but this is a sure shot worth sharing piece.... SRK you will remain my first love always. 

Sorry

Sorry is such an orphan word....

Sorry has no parents, sorry is not fostered
Nobody wants to own it, nobody wants to claim it.

When someone gives it, they dont want to take it.
When someone takes it, they don't want to let go off it.

Sorry has attitude, sorry has humility
sorry has a puppy face, sorry has a vicious smile.

Its so hard to come out, and when it does... its harder to fathom
You may owe it to someone, but you may not end up giving it really

Its so hard to own and so easy to disown....
It goes from one person to the other... but doesnt find its ground.

Sorry may melt your heart in a moment, the next it may cut like a sword...
I feel so sorry for sorry... its such an orphan word.

What goes up...must come down

What goes up has to come down. Perhaps this high was too exciting to scare her of the low. She isn't prepared for what is actual. She isn't least prepared for the hike. The tiny white flowers spread around the arms of the mountain like sheets of satin in uniform floral prints. The spreads of green lay like velvet icing and her bare feet depress the grass to mark their presence. The dew has made her route slippery and the mist in the air makes it harder for her to breathe. She wont stop. She pauses, breathes harder and moves ahead. The clouds have hazed her vision. She squeezes her eyes to narrow her vision and she walks over the green velvet carpet laid for her. The scent of the high draws her closer. This uncontrollable rush of emotions, thoughts and anxiety pumps her with the energy to go on. Clouds make way like curtains drawn from a surprise. Her eyes fill with extreme joy can't seem to believe what was like the end of the world in front of them. She was there. The point of no return. She was up there. Above everyone. She was high. A high that few get to experience. A high that was so high that if it engulfed you, nobody would hear you shriek. So high... so serene... just she and her existance....She walked right upto the edge, spread her arms and hugged the high that awaited her. The clouds began clearing, like in the fairy tales. She looked down with no end to her grin. The breeze was harder and swept her hair in all directions..... this high gave her wings... and now she wanted to fly. She closed her eyes... kissed the sun, and embraced the depth as the breeze quietly airlifted her. Downwards was easier and smoother. Her mind was zero but peace prevailed on her face. She was high, the only thought.... What goes up...must come down.

Moonlight

It was in the night. Something. She had sensed it. She was ready for it. She wanted it. The music in her ears came from her heart. The conspiracy was laid and neither could guess what is in store for them. A dark room and the moonlight trickled through the large glass window. The sky was silver and the room milky white. Light breeze blew her hair over her face and blew his mind at the same time. The moon was calling out to both of them. Their hearts were pounding. He pulls her close to her, hugs her tight. Their eyes twinkle in the dark and glow their faces. Tiny diamonds shine through as they smile. He pulls her to the window. Pulls the sheers away and opens the whole silver sparkly sky to her. It spells magic. He sits at the window comfortably and pulls her close to him. She leans against his comforting warm chest. The warm melts her down completely. The moon begins to fade out in its blanket of the darkness and leaves a trail of sparkling silver light and the breeze sifts past humming songs of tranquility in their ears. The window lights up with their aura. The magical light and sound show begins as sparks fly under. 

Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the King's horses, And all the King's men

Couldn't put Humpty together again!

Purple Verve

Back to the weekend grind. Her high heels ready to clink the floor. Her short skirt, tiny enough to make hearts sink and the plunge on her blouse deep enough to make hearts skip a beat. Her long hair straight like straight can be. Her lips plump red inviting a kiss. She is on a kill tonight. Her eyes still search for the eye that will catch hers and pierce her ice cold heart. On the purple night, beneath the sparkle of the stars is the blouse that shimmers more than the sparkling stars and the look in her eye darker than the night itself. She enters the rambunctious room and the noise leaks into the silent night. She cuts the crowd of swaying bodies fluidly swooning to the music. No one seems to have noticed her yet. She doesnt care. Her walk upto the tall ramp is unpunctuated. She holds the bar and jumps on to the ramp like its her territory and it was waiting to be ruled by her. The moment she goes up all eyes turn to her. The universe seems to respond to her moves. The beat thumped at her sway of the hip, the lights dipped at her dropping low, people cheered at her hurling of hair. She had arrived. Yet she was oblivious to the roar she created in the busy crowd. He was looking at her. Observing her from the time she entered. She notices him too. The lights mischievously reveal her face and hide it. The plunge on her neck teases to death, the eyes play hide and seek. She smiles and lights up the room. She stops and so does the music. She extends her arm and invites him on the ramp. The crowd cheers. He looks around in disbelief. She smiles and asks him to come over. He holds her hand. The plunge drops lower as she bends. His eyes widen and shut in embarrassment.  She notices and mends her blouse. He gets up as the music picks pace. His hand impulsively goes around her slender waist. She smiles again, she loves it. He draws her close to him as they sway like one body. The room is filled with blare but her heart echoes in the silence within.  

Black Hole

Dark. Just dark. Hollow dark. Thick garb of dark. All black dark. Suffocating dark. So dark that no ray of God can pass through.

Emotion less dark. Feeling less dark. Heartless dark. Meaningless dark. Ruthless dark. Shameless dark.

Faceless dark. Headless dark. Limb less dark. Handicapped dark yet strong dark. Scary dark. Whimsical dark. 

This dark has no light at the end of its tunnel. This dark has no arm spread out waiting at the other end. There is no happy ending to this dark. There is all white to this black. Nobody lives to see it atleast! The black hole of life. That's how I've seen death today. And resurrected in the silhouette of death. 

Now I know why I am scared of dark.

An Open Letter to Mrs. President

Dear Honorable Mrs. President,

I am Preeti Phalke, 30 years old. In all the life that i have spent i have loved my country. I still do. But everyday when i turn the TV on to catch up with what's happening around the country, i am disgusted with the way our country is managed by our so called selfish leaders. The Adarsh scam, Lavassa, Banda rape case (a ruling on a rape case is the slowest, justice delayed we all know is justice denied), the CWG scam, the worst is the state of affairs in UP led by Mayawati. My question is how can a CM spend lavishly on her birthday using our hard earned money we pay for taxes and ignore the crimes happening under her own nose? How did she manage to construct that aimless narcissist park in Noida with her own statues all over and nobody said anything then? The currency garland not to be forgotten How doesn't anybody question her expenses or actions? Every day we hear some crime happening involving a person from UP. It is almost like 'all muslims are not terrorists but all terrorists are muslim' likewise, all UP-ites are not criminials, but most of them are UP-ites Just how can we allow one state to be handled by a frivolous teenager like mind who thinks that the state is her playground? It upsets me and makes me think, is or judicial system and law blind towards people in power? What is so obvious to everyone is being ignored for what? I strongly believe, her wrong has outdone her good to the state. I will never travel alone to UP for a fear of being raped in her state because it is so unsafe. What is she doing about it? I have never written to a leader before but i am ignited inside today and instigated enough by the 'deshbhakti' in me to write to you.

I just need answers as to who looks into all this? Many more civilians like me would have the same agony. I do not know what i can do to dethrone Mayawati from power and get another able uncorrupt leader to better lead the state that has potential. This letter is only out of extreme agony of having to see my country being misused like this. I hope it has brought some pain to your notice about how we people feel about leaders like her. I would love to contribute to the better of my nation in whatever way possible.

Thank you for your time and patience.
Respects and regards
Preeti Phalke.
Jai Hind

Just How Does It Work?

I just logged out of facebook. Frankly i never really thought of finding out or learning about the genius named FACEBOOK, until i finished watching The social network just 10mins back. I never thought about the thought behind this brainwave. Never bothered to read or google the brain behind it. I was just happy logging in 5 times a day, changing my status once a day, being happy about the fact that so many people on my list care to read my status msgs, just plain simple happy to have stumbled upon so many long lost friends yet so many more new people to be friends with. I bow down to the genius of this man who created a mass hysteria so powerful, it could become another continent.

From what started off as a small college network grew onto become so big, that probably even the founder may not have expected. My friend once msgd me on FB some facts about facebook -
Facebook itself is becoming the new internet..People logon to facebook more than anything else.. If
facebook were a country it will be fourth largest in world...i guess facebook must be planning to start their own operating system like microsoft windows or mac and also search engine like google and the searches in facebook will be better because it will search for u based on what u like..
When i read this i was awed. But again, it was affecting my life until i saw the movie. What inspired me from the film was the simplicity of the idea that gave birth to a billion dollar company and made Mark Zuckerberg the youngest billionaire in the world! Just how does a genius brain work differently from the rest?

I am speechless and totally awestruck by the genius of this young boy who is younger than my younger sister! The newer the breed the more intelligent their generation is getting. I would've probably seen a mobile phone when i was 16. My 1year old niece can actually unlock a mobile phone. She instinctively knows what that box like instrument does. The moment i hand over the phone to her, she sticks it on her ears. HOW THE HELL!??? Just how does this genius (in the making i assume) of a brain function? How do they pick up things faster and better than the previous? Is this what you call evolution in your science class? If it is, its too cool!

As i blog right now i wonder if there was no facility like this where the heck would i share my views? How would people ever read what i write and form opinions about my writing? If there wasn't someone who thought that blogging was the next big thing, he would probably be punching keys in a private firm doing a mundane job.

Phew! This doesn't and won't cease to amuse me for a bit atleast. Its time to go horizontal on my bed and escape to my movie world. My genius is limited to constructing and writing stories. Tales that take you away from your boredom and entertain you for a while may be. Two film scripts pending, a lot of other writing work in the limbo... while i watched Social Network! So much for a film... hunh!

The bench

Two chocolate cones melting drop by drop in the heat. Just you and me left behind. Shh! Let them go don't stop them. Stereotypically I am looking for something that has suddenly fallen out of my bag. You stay, lets walk together amidst tall buildings and zipping cars. Hold my hand, come close, the melting ice cream's making me cold. He holds me close and wraps his arm around me. Cars are zipping too fast and I cannot cross the road. One scoop of my icecream is wobbling now. I loose balance and the scoop falls but he holds me. I took a risk because i trusted you'd save me. This risk is fun.


We cross the road and my ice cream is so romancing my fingers. A droplet of the icecream kisses my nose and instantly his peck wipes that droplet. Yellow footpath dimly lit up by tired bulbs on a lamp post. A bench, we walk faster towards it. One corner each till we finished our cones. No talk, only slurps. The occasional exchange of smile and snigger behind the back. No word uttered, its been an hour. But its not uncomfortable. 


We turn around now. Inch by inch we move closer. Our heartbeat had stopped but not the passing cars. So unruly this desire. We sit quiet. For an hour more. Speechless, just feeling our hearts beat and listening to our hearts talk to each other. He holds my hand. Its warm. The warmth is transferred to my hand. Our hearts tell each other, this too shall pass. It tells not to be afraid and not to give up hope. The heart speaks a language i dont understand. All i understand is a spark has gone inside and ignited the darkest corner of my heart uninhibited forever. The seat on the bench is taken. 

Its past midnight. The city is asleep. Every car has zipped past and its only time that is unwilling to pass. The only eyes open in the dark are his and mine. They are open coz they're seeing a dream. A dream, they have photographed and will reminisce forever. The bench has started a new story, a story that will never end. 

Waiting Room

Stealing glances across the room. I know those eyes have captured her more than a thousand times in the few minutes that have gone by. An X-ray of the heart and mind has happened and those hands aching to shake hands and start something new with her. A twitch that show the contemplation of the lips to smile. The intermittent gulping and breathing to keep the nervousness down. The ear that is only cued to her conversation and keenly pick up her breathing also. Toes curl up and a spark of joy rushes down when she looks at him finally! I sigh of relief that the glances were acknowledged. The twitch turns into a smile instantly. Confidence exudes from the eyes and the smile gets replied with another smile. Eyes meet uncomfortably and make a connection so strong that it ignites a new story. The wait for the next train turns into a wait for the first word. She plucks her hair behind her ears and batters her eyelids as her cheeks turn red and she looks away to avoid anymore sparks. What had to start had begun. She was yearning for his attention now. Time and again wetting her lips to utter the first word but the chase was too much fun for her make the first move. She was shy but knew exactly how to hold his attention. She looked and smiled every few minutes to assure that she was feeling the same fire. She finally mustered enough courage with a long breathe that induced life into her feet to get up. Just then, he got up. His smiled dropped and eyes became glum. He turned around ashamed and sorry. He looked at her one final time with his eyes locked into hers as she took him away from her. She was the one he had chosen. The emptiness in her heart was filled with the sound of the arriving train. "Platform no. 1 se train ja chuki hai"

I am not God

I'm not perfect, i'm human. Like the countless others, i have my share of imperfections. Countless imperfections. To begin with i lie. I lie through my nose, to save a situation, to save myself, to save my people. But i'd never lie to harm anyone. Even if that lie saves anything yet harms someone i would refrain. I talk out of my hat. I often end up with my foot in my mouth because of my illogical talking habit. I have always looked like someone who is mindless in an argument and will go back on my words. But i say things at that time to save a situation from getting into an argument and will completely forget what i said.

My fault I live each moment as it comes and dont think about anything. I dont know whats in store for me tomorrow because i  cannot foresee tomorrow. All that i see is right now, and if something makes sense right now i'll do it. So if the same thing doesnt make sense tomorrow i will act differently! How complex is that? Have you seen tomorrow? How do you manage to plan your tomorrow without knowing what it is going to be like? Its like agreeing to get married without seeing or knowing the person. Total blind shot. You think i am a risk taker, i am impulsive? How different are you? You are investing or trusting a time that you haven't seen?

When life is simple, why do we need to complicate it? Why sit and count faults in others and waste so much time rather than simply embracing and accepting them the way they are. I start explaining. But i now i know, there is no point. What to accept what is already there? What difference will it make in the larger picture if i dont accept? Its nobody's duty to point out my imperfections and certainly not a moral duty to make sure i improve. I was born with a set of disabilities and emotional incompetancies. So are you. I dont keep track of other peoples flaws frankly because i dont have the mental capacity to remember so much and then talk back. I chicken out of arguments and i have no qualms in admitting that.

When my mistakes are counted, i dont get defensive, i become conscious. I get scared that now i will have to mend my ways coz what i do has affected someone negatively. That takes away the 'Me' from me. That will naturally have its repercussions over how i behave and eventually the way i am. I will change. Why would you want to change someone if you liked them the way they are in the first place!? I am imperfect. Show me one perfect human with all that you always wanted in one and i will give you my life. Life would be so much better if we did not have to think about our actions each time. I'm not perfect. If i were perfect I'd be God.

A walk to remember

This night is exceptional. The darkness has some light in it. The glitter of the moon kisses the sea and the sea blushes to a plush silver ripple. The twinkling lights from ships from the far and away waters romance with the shore. A dark narrow walkway leads into the ocean waiting to dive in. the reticent street lights shy away from glowing. Tonight is indeed special. The noise gets cut. The only sound is the sound of dark and you and me breath. The waves seem to dance on the rhythm of our breath. No one in the periphery of our sight. No one but you and me. This is so unlikely. Take this chance, lets dance when no ones really watching. Just you and me and the shimmer on the sea. Let our heart beat do the talking. Hold my hand, slide it around my waist. Soak into the darkness and walk. Walk to the end of eternity for once. This night is special… don’t wake me from my slumber. This walk will always remain a walk to remember!

Twilo

Midnight, as he crawled into the lane that had a peculiar smell. He ducked and shunned the hungry eyes and blinded himself from the lust that called out to him. He steered through the pigeon hole and glared back at the eyes that stared at him. She stood at the door with a smile on her face. New night. Her eyes spotted him from a distance and he looked at her like they called out to her. He was drawn to her uncontrollably. She held his hand and dragged him inside. Just one drink and that tip was her target. He had no control over his heart and hence the alcohol. She poured one glass after the other as she charmed him with her smile and he pulled out one note after the other as he was lured into it. He emptied the glass and filled her pocket. She grooved with him to entertain him, to show that he mattered to her. She did not realize when this sham turned into reality for her.

She was at the door waiting for him. Second night. She did not know why she was waiting for him but her eyes looked around for him. He came, straight at her door. A smile assured them both of what was happening. She did not have to drag him in this time, his feet directed him to walk inside. She was smiling this time out of joy and not for the deep pocket. Her innocent pixy face had a smile that came from the heart and it was infectious as hell. Every soul she touched then on smiled endlessly. Her tiny hands were strong enough to assure that she would hold on, her tiny eyes had dreams of nights that she won't have to wait at the door any more and they would light up each time she saw him. Mai, the smile, the warmth, the intoxication at twilo. You are welcome.

Solitude

The sky had invited her, the breeze hugged her and the skyline twinkled to light up the way for her. A strange romance led her way as she jittered and rambled at that dizzy height. Everything looked small from there. The gush of wind played a romantic melody in her ears and a smile donned her face unwittingly. Her grim face glowed with joy and the pale cheeks turned rose. Her solitude was finally romancing her. She was on a new high.

For the first time she dared to over come her fears, only because she felt motivated enough. For the first time she dint care, because she felt cared for. For the first time she took that step ahead because she had someone to fall back on. The glass reeling showed more than they could contain. The songs echoed a tune that the world was dancing to. Her loneliness was filled with life with all the lights that glowed around her, as though they participated in her jubilation. The firecrackers were replaced by the loud thunder the sky roared and champagne was replaced by the downpour. As she looked down once, a chill ran down her spine. But a warm hand that swung around her waist negated the chill and calmed her down each time she froze. 

She was high... high up... above all myth, with just one reality next to her. The love held her to ground firmly. He pulled her back, gently flung her hair behind her ears and whispered, don't worry, i am there, you are not lonely at the top.