The Dark Side of Me

'It's a phase, you'll be fine"

"Just snap out of it, go meet people, do what you like"

"Doctor's n all is bull crap, stop all this medication. Stop believing something's wrong with you"

These are just a few very common advices i got while i was battling with the worst nightmare of my life. It crawled in without knocking once. Its dark shadow had engulfed me before i knew it. I couldn't do anything but get sucked into it. I did not want to meet people, i did not want to socialise, i did not feel like faking it as well, I felt hopeless, fatigued without doing anything, i put on weight, i just wanted to sleep through the day, cry, eat and die.

Nothing that i loved doing interested me anymore. I became negative, i had no one to talk to, i felt like no one wanted me around anymore. To add to my misery i had no work, some of my very close people left me, people around me spoke ill of me, my talent and ability to work was questioned, i was declared a nincompoop. I struggled with this goddamn illness for a whole year n a half. The person i shared the roof with also never found out what i was going through. Nobody! Nobody until today. Because i choose to write about it.

Clinical Depression. Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed about a year and a half ago along with insomnia. I wrote about it a year ago on FB but one of my very highly educated friends asked me to pull it off because i am not 'Deepika Padukone' and i should not seek sympathy. But i would like to inform my dear educated friend that EMPATHY is what a person in my condition needs and bullshit pep talk will not help. When i was socially disconnected, all i needed was a hand that reaches out to me to pull me out of this dark space. When it became too much for me to bear, i went on medication. For a year... i was on pills twice a day, i was barely in my senses because i was always groggy, slurring because of the heavy dosage, hazy and still trying to hold on to something good in life that will keep me away from doing the condemned.

Life isn't easy. I went for a script narration to a reputed Production house and messed it up so bad, i never was called back for any work there. Can't blame them. I have lost insane amount of work because of how i approached it during this battle. I had no money to pay up rent because i wasn't working. I ate off my savings. The little amount of work i did, paid me enough to survive in this city. My concentration was zero, i couldnt focus on work for more than 5 minutes. So most people thought i was inconsistent. Medicines messed with my BP and i was passing out anywhere, people joked i am so bored i was sleeping everywhere.

I realise in the past 2 years how little people know about depression or any mental illness for that matter. My doctor tells me, depression takes a good 10 years to slip in till you realise the damage it has done. That explains, the occurances in my life 10 years ago have now shown its ugly face. I am good at putting up a happy face. In worst of my days, my closest people never found out what i was going through. Because i was never hospitalised na! People take notice only when you're in that bed with drips hanging from your wrists, when you post selfies like wow sucha big event! But, I would smile through it. This time was different. I couldn't smile. People assumed and tagged me 'ANTI-SOCIAL'. 'Don't do drama' was most commonly said, Well thank you! Such kind words!!!

Mental illness is far deeper and irrepairable than most people think. One can be cured of depression yes, but the damage it does, stays with you for life and changes you as a person forever. It's not as easy as 'Yaar, i can't take this vacation, i am so depressed'. Once you go on that vacation, you won't be depressed anymore. With me, i wouldn't want to go on a vacation, even if i do, i will still be depressed.

I voluntarily got off pills this January, i refused to battle anymore. I know it was a mistake, i shouldn't self diagnose my condition. My doctor yelled at me but i refused to pop pills anymore. I struggle with dark days on and off because i did not continue my medication. For these 21 months in the past have taught me a lot. Who my true friends are, where i stand, who i am, people's expectations of me and who must stay in my life. For all those who saw my status last time, I am recovering, slowly. I will get there. Soon.

Only a few people knew about my situation, my sister, my best friends Shardul & Charu. Had it not been for these 3, i would have perhaps not been alive to write about the past 21 months. Shardul came back from Abu Dhabi at the right time when i needed him the most. Charu was away, we spoke on phone, she made time to speak with me on phone and make sure i am alright. My sister, with her pregnancy, ensured i am not stressed. Shardul made every possible effort to pull me out of my confinement and make me meet new people, take me out for movies, plant me in a situation where i am compelled to laugh. Charu, despite her own struggles has been a strong support and my sounding off board.

I have a few things to tell people -
1. Depression is not a state of the mind, its a disease, like cancer, cholera, swine flu or anything that basically gets your sympathy going.
2. Do not, for heavens sake, advice a person in depression to 'snap out of it, its a phase'. Because you my fellas are the worst equipped to help anyone out. God save you!
3. Please, observe people around you, the change in their behaviour, the change in their face. People who are depressed are not going to walk up to you and say 'hey i am depressed, come hang with me'. YOU have to extend that hand out to help, if they really matter to you.

Depression is not glamorous. It can happen to anyone. Be kind if not anything else. For all those who walked away during this time, God Bless you, may you have only happy people around around you! For those who stayed, i owe my life to you. Things will change, I still have hope.

I am fine, i am feeling better.... baby steps :)

Fariyaad Karen'GAY'

The Indian Penal Code (IPC), of which Section 377 forms a part, was drafted in 1860 by Lord Macaulay as a part of the colonial project of regulating and controlling the British- and Indian-origin subjects. It reads:

377. Unnatural offences: Whoever voluntarily has carnal intercourse against the order of nature with any man, woman or animal, shall be punished with imprisonment for life, or with imprisonment of either description for term which may extend to ten years, and shall also be liable to fine.

Explanation: Penetration is sufficient to constitute the carnal intercourse necessary to the offense described in this section.

The ambit of Section 377, which was devised to criminalize and prevent homosexual associations - sodomy in particular, extends to any sexual union involving penile insertion. Thus even consensual heterosexual acts such as fellatio and digital penetration may be a punishable offense under this law. [wikipedia]

Swami Ram Dev Baba: Gays are sick people and should be sent to hospitals.

and isnt your YOGA supposed to help sick people????

Lalu Prasad Yadav: "Such things which affect the society should not be permitted at all... Government has a greater responsibility towards the society,"

and if i may ask what greater responsibility are we talking about here???

Since when has 'bedroom activity' started interesting our nation? Why we are so bothered what two consenting adults do behind closed doors of their bedrooms, irrespective of their sexual orientation? Have we ever been interested in two straight peoples' sexual lives like we have this sudden curiosity and opinion about gays getting equal right to live a normal life? What the hell is wrong with us all? Look at the statements being made by RESPONSIBLE people of India. People who make promises of a better, brighter India. A more progressive India.

It’s a pity that education and awareness couldn’t bring about a change in the way we think. Such education is a waste and such people are a disgrace who cannot accept other humans for what they are. What is the big deal about homosexuality after all? You like a woman and I like a man is normal… he likes a boy and she likes a girl is abnormal? We don’t decide as we grow up what tendency we will pick. Our parent’s don’t influence our choices of gender in our bringing up process. Neither is it genetic nor is it psychological. It’s purely biological. And if its that, then it’s surely gifted by god if that makes the understanding better!

Who are we to decide what is normal and what isn’t? Just because a few million act in certain way it is normal!? Is it written is your god book, the rules of normal and abnormal? Who gives anybody the right to call a certain sect of people as SICK? YOU???? And we thought you were a spiritual leader. Of the millions that followed you, many would be homosexual to bring to your notice sir, and you were unwittingly healing these SICK people without them going to the hospital!

The government has never done any better work before than this ever, Sir! Which society are we talking about? And for some greater responsibility towards this very same society, I think the government should strive to make it safer for all. With the 26/11 case judgements still pending in court and all sorts of allegations of complacency on the same responsible government, I think they surely have better things to do!

TOI carried this really interesting and informative article on how gayness was not shameful in our own ancient India. Experts of some mythological incidents from a book were quoted in the article and I was fascinated to know how our country is so obsessed with sex and sexuality. It quotes a story from the puranas where Brihaspati discovers his wife Tara is pregnant with the child of her lover Chandra. He curses the love child to be born neuter. Budh later marries Ila, a man who becomes a woman when he accidentally trespasses an enchanted grove. From that union springs the Chandra-vamsa, or the lunar dynasty of kings. So says the Mahabharata. In the Valmiki Ramayana, there are descriptions of Rakshasa women who kiss women on Ravana’s bed on whose lips lingers the taste of their master. Krittivasa Ramayana is the story of two widows who drink a magic potion and, in the absence of their husband, make love to each other and end up bearing a child without bones (traditionally believed to be the contribution of semen).

Is there a more perverse nation than this? We have granths written on sex and sex education. We have in our ancient times accepted and lived with homosexuals. The era when there was no ‘education’ as such. They were all supposedly uneducated. I think we were much more forward and broad in our thinking then, than we are today. Education has made us penny wise and pound foolish.

This very same responsible government has made this responsible decision because a few morons create nuisance in the lives of two people who want to just a live a peaceful life without being mocked at for the choice they made. You like potatoes I like beans so what!!!!!! Take charge of your lives and stop peeping into other peoples’ bedrooms. Behind closed doors we all do the same gig that they do! It’s just a matter of choice!