'It's a phase, you'll be fine"
"Just snap out of it, go meet people, do what you like"
"Doctor's n all is bull crap, stop all this medication. Stop believing something's wrong with you"
These are just a few very common advices i got while i was battling with the worst nightmare of my life. It crawled in without knocking once. Its dark shadow had engulfed me before i knew it. I couldn't do anything but get sucked into it. I did not want to meet people, i did not want to socialise, i did not feel like faking it as well, I felt hopeless, fatigued without doing anything, i put on weight, i just wanted to sleep through the day, cry, eat and die.
Nothing that i loved doing interested me anymore. I became negative, i had no one to talk to, i felt like no one wanted me around anymore. To add to my misery i had no work, some of my very close people left me, people around me spoke ill of me, my talent and ability to work was questioned, i was declared a nincompoop. I struggled with this goddamn illness for a whole year n a half. The person i shared the roof with also never found out what i was going through. Nobody! Nobody until today. Because i choose to write about it.
Clinical Depression. Borderline Personality Disorder. I was diagnosed about a year and a half ago along with insomnia. I wrote about it a year ago on FB but one of my very highly educated friends asked me to pull it off because i am not 'Deepika Padukone' and i should not seek sympathy. But i would like to inform my dear educated friend that EMPATHY is what a person in my condition needs and bullshit pep talk will not help. When i was socially disconnected, all i needed was a hand that reaches out to me to pull me out of this dark space. When it became too much for me to bear, i went on medication. For a year... i was on pills twice a day, i was barely in my senses because i was always groggy, slurring because of the heavy dosage, hazy and still trying to hold on to something good in life that will keep me away from doing the condemned.
Life isn't easy. I went for a script narration to a reputed Production house and messed it up so bad, i never was called back for any work there. Can't blame them. I have lost insane amount of work because of how i approached it during this battle. I had no money to pay up rent because i wasn't working. I ate off my savings. The little amount of work i did, paid me enough to survive in this city. My concentration was zero, i couldnt focus on work for more than 5 minutes. So most people thought i was inconsistent. Medicines messed with my BP and i was passing out anywhere, people joked i am so bored i was sleeping everywhere.
I realise in the past 2 years how little people know about depression or any mental illness for that matter. My doctor tells me, depression takes a good 10 years to slip in till you realise the damage it has done. That explains, the occurances in my life 10 years ago have now shown its ugly face. I am good at putting up a happy face. In worst of my days, my closest people never found out what i was going through. Because i was never hospitalised na! People take notice only when you're in that bed with drips hanging from your wrists, when you post selfies like wow sucha big event! But, I would smile through it. This time was different. I couldn't smile. People assumed and tagged me 'ANTI-SOCIAL'. 'Don't do drama' was most commonly said, Well thank you! Such kind words!!!
Mental illness is far deeper and irrepairable than most people think. One can be cured of depression yes, but the damage it does, stays with you for life and changes you as a person forever. It's not as easy as 'Yaar, i can't take this vacation, i am so depressed'. Once you go on that vacation, you won't be depressed anymore. With me, i wouldn't want to go on a vacation, even if i do, i will still be depressed.
I voluntarily got off pills this January, i refused to battle anymore. I know it was a mistake, i shouldn't self diagnose my condition. My doctor yelled at me but i refused to pop pills anymore. I struggle with dark days on and off because i did not continue my medication. For these 21 months in the past have taught me a lot. Who my true friends are, where i stand, who i am, people's expectations of me and who must stay in my life. For all those who saw my status last time, I am recovering, slowly. I will get there. Soon.
Only a few people knew about my situation, my sister, my best friends Shardul & Charu. Had it not been for these 3, i would have perhaps not been alive to write about the past 21 months. Shardul came back from Abu Dhabi at the right time when i needed him the most. Charu was away, we spoke on phone, she made time to speak with me on phone and make sure i am alright. My sister, with her pregnancy, ensured i am not stressed. Shardul made every possible effort to pull me out of my confinement and make me meet new people, take me out for movies, plant me in a situation where i am compelled to laugh. Charu, despite her own struggles has been a strong support and my sounding off board.
I have a few things to tell people -
1. Depression is not a state of the mind, its a disease, like cancer, cholera, swine flu or anything that basically gets your sympathy going.
2. Do not, for heavens sake, advice a person in depression to 'snap out of it, its a phase'. Because you my fellas are the worst equipped to help anyone out. God save you!
3. Please, observe people around you, the change in their behaviour, the change in their face. People who are depressed are not going to walk up to you and say 'hey i am depressed, come hang with me'. YOU have to extend that hand out to help, if they really matter to you.
Depression is not glamorous. It can happen to anyone. Be kind if not anything else. For all those who walked away during this time, God Bless you, may you have only happy people around around you! For those who stayed, i owe my life to you. Things will change, I still have hope.
I am fine, i am feeling better.... baby steps :)
