Discovery

Wrath besieges my mind. I reflect in the mirror, a person that I know not. Each day I see a different me. Today a happy face tomorrow glum. Ecstatic, another day… My mind rebuffs the reflection.

Sometimes what you become is an outcome of the surroundings you are in. Under immense pressure from your environment, your circumstances your inertia breaks and creates some inexplicable seismic changes in the core of your heart. Over the years my heart has become molten iron from inside. I wasn’t born that way. I was made to become as hard as a diamond without the bling!

I feel the pain when a hand is slit in front of me. Its only that I don’t exclaim. I feel the happiness when a baby is born, its only that I do not have maternal instincts. I feel the sadness when a heart breaks its only that I don’t shed tears. Does that mean I don’t have a heart? I have often been casually taken as a boy. Metaphorically, it means I am cold, strong or perhaps unemotional, detached and crass. And all this only because I am not the opposite of it.

Beneath the multiple layers of iron and thorns is a regular heart that not many have tried to see. I am a normal girl with desires of a regular girl. I want to be loved, I want to be made to feel special, I want to be the world to somebody, I want to be the special someone and want to be pampered too. The only difference is I don’t express it. My exterior is rough and seasoned now. Its not a choice that I made. I became like this. One’s who know me now, do not know my then. One’s who know my then… do not recognize me now. This tom boy who doesn’t wear Indian outfits also wants to dress up someday. I want to shed my jeans to wear clothes that bring my identity back, that make me feel like me. I want to look pretty too. When I look at other people looking good, I wish I could make an effort too. I don’t have any motivation since I do not have anybody to dress up for. Who do I dress up for? What’s the use? My shabby jeans and soft loose tops hide my molten heart. It’s a defense. Against the vulnerability that it carries, the responsibilities that it shoulders, the loneliness that engulfs it.

Beneath those endless layers lies a heart that yearns for love, attention, affection. I am a girl and there is nothing wrong with me. I am loud, I use swear words, I don’t wear make up… but I am a girl at heart. The heart that very few have seen. I want to feel the emotions surrounding me. I want to feel the love. I want somebody to peep within those thousand layers of cold and discover me.