Fidgety days

Am back in Mumbai after the 29th. 5 day lull in my life. I was attending couple of weddings and frankly i enjoyed none! My mind and soul wouldn't let me sit in peace. My heart was in Mumbai, hurt and broken into a thousand pieces.

I was in Indore also for another friend's wedding. Met up with old friends as well thinking i would not think of the tragedy. One friend after 6 years, i was so looking forward to see her... initial joy... sharing our lives and filling each other up wiw the info of the space of 6yrs. I was enjoying every moment. Atleast i'd like to tell myself that... my mind was traversing that space... repeated pictures of the devastation going through my mind one after the other like snapshots of a distant memory, making me nervous, angry, sad, cry. The usual kinetic emotions weren't flowing so easily. I was restrained and i felt terribly guilty later for being so corked up.

I was at a hotel with another set of friends, she and i were already discussing our pain and how the incident hasn't really gotten out of minds and then he joined us too. So now that we were three of us, our thoughts became words and the words grew louder. In many days after the incident i expressed what i was feeling about the entire attack. The only constant emotion i all three of us was immense pain, sorrow for what was happening all around us. He and i were in Mumbai when all this happened...she just saw it all on TV... yet she carried the same agony...the same grouse.

I knew today... my restlessness wasn't unjustified.. or it just wasn't me who was restless... it was her.. him... and many many more like us who stood muted watching it all on TV and wondering what we could do to contribute. My restlessness was due to my inability or the obscurity of my worthiness. I still don't know what i can do to contribute to better the situation and i don't want to feel useless and fidgety.

No i don't intend to join the army all of a sudden nor do i want to be a politician... i am happy being a civilian but what will now make us all different is being 'a responsbile civilian'.

I was called two hours early for a security check at the Mumbai Airport when i was departing on the 29th and so i reached. But to my dismay i wasn't checked the way i was expecting... i stopped by and told one of the gaurds actually that it looked like they were looking for toffees in my bag and not bombs, by the way they frisked it! On the contrary security checks at Indore were surprisingly tight. I was frisked thoroughly, then when the detector picked metal on my belt i was made to show the belt that i was wearing. The lady who frisked me slid her fingers under the belt to doubly ensure am not hiding anything beneath, ran the detector again all over me and only then let me go ahead. My hand bag was opened thrice from the gate till i boarded which is also not a regular sight. I had to compliment them for being so alert for an airport that doesnt even ace threats from wild boars.

In my capacity, thats the least i can do... be tolerant and not complaint about the endless lines for extra safety! Each one of us can let the forces do their jobs and help them actually by cooperating. I am perturbed even today but i know i will find a way to contribute. Atleast i know now what was making me restless. Me and my friends have decided, anything that takes to build a better future, we shall do! None of us want to see a world where every step we take falls over a life sacrificed, every breathe we take smells of grenades and gunshots, every sight blurred by the dust of shelling, every bed itching of riffles under pillows and refills under mattresses. Lets do something... enough is written and said defaming every debacle of the system. Its really time that we ACT and NOW!!!