The last 2 months have been hard. Very very hard. I thought i was fine, i was holding up well. But work was temporary distraction i guess. I found myself in the dark space again. In my head i was fighting a war. So my family finally knows about it. I couldn't deal with it all alone. Its a hard battle to fight when you live alone in a city that can kill you every single moment, where nobody would find out whether you are or aren't till a foul smell doesn't disturb their life.
Yep! That's how sick my thoughts get. I don't want to be alone. I don't have the strenght physically and a lot of other things-wise to fight this war. I am visiting a new doctor this Monday, back to medications and counselling.
But what happened since my last post to now is a lot of people spoke to me about feeling similar things. I was taken aback. I am not alone, believe so are you! I was very happy they reached out to me. Someone to say the least! It's very important. Its brave to recognise how you feel, identify there is a problem in the first place and then the wish to rectify it is a big step in itself.
'Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die.'
To all those struggling with mental issues of any degree, please reach out the moment you realise you don't belong there! I am no expert here, i am struggling myself. Let me give you a knee jerk by telling you, it is merely a disbalance of chemicals in your head. Medicine and food can bring it back to normal, but that cannot happen until you have any willingness to help yourself.
Sometime in history i remember watching a documentary on the magical brain. A very interesting theory said that sadness is a result of low dopamine in the brain. This is the unsexy truth of this problem. Low Dopamine level can be dangerously addictive. I'll tell you how. When your natural levels drop, you take drugs that induce Dopamine. The brain experiences a sudden rush of pleasure, that what it seeks. So it looks for more of it. That's how you get addicted to drugs. You cannot consume these drugs if the natural level is balanced, so the brain never lets your level be normal, hence leaving you addicted to medicine or even drugs like cocaine etc. Ugly, isn't it!
But i will point down the few things that have tremendously helped me naturally get my head to a balance and i feel can help anyone.
1. Feeling Low - this is a constant in my life. Nothing excites me anymore. So i push myself to do things that i previously found exciting. Travel, sing, dance, party, adventure or whatever the heck it means! PUSH yourself out of the low. You will never experience a high instantly but atleast from the dumps you will come to ground zero. That's some growth! Go for walks, get some exercise. Join a gym, swim, run, walk your dog, walk your human... just go out!
2. Hopelessness - I swear on Almighty, nothing gives me more hope than seeing other people. I go to crowded places, often coffee shops or markets or parks and observe people. Lot of them thought i was a creep but really, i was just reading them, on their exteriors i was trying to read the stories within. I also attended a few self help workshops. I took to chanting. To each his own really. But hope is everywhere. Mostly when i see myself under a roof, getting two square meals, I feel privileged.
3. Low self esteem - Honestly, i haven't come through this fully, so i cannot make fake comments
4. Feeling tearful or guilt ridden - aaah damn! all the time, for no reason! I listen to music. Science is really not stupid and those who spent their lives on researching the benefits of music for healing depression werent mental after all! Music actually helps. My neighbors think i am cuckoo, but i sing aloud when i get teary or guilty! I sing my lungs out... it not only elevates my chemical, it also releases happy hormones. Try not sing 'tooth dil ke gaane' I have marked a happy playlist for such times. It helps! Also, i fake smile sometimes. Like i look into the mirror and smile as wide as i can. I try to feel it as well...
5. Finding it difficult to focus or make decisions - While i am writing this, i have 3 other windows open. Word docs, i have work, i have to write but i haven't been able to focus on either for more than 5 mins. Meditation helps. Nothing spiritual about it really. Doesnt make you any less cooler. Just that, it trains your mind to focus on the moment. I read somewhere 'Meditation is not about controlling your thoughts, its about not letting your thoughts control your mind'. Try it! I have moved to 'Theta Meditation' and it has opened my mind a lot. I haven't unlocked my 100% yet but i will get there soon
6. Self Harm - This is the worst zone! The moment there is a thought like that, just make a call to someone, talk to someone, random, anyone, about anything. Go down, talk to your chowkidar for all you care! Just don't be alone at that point. Alcohol is your worst enemy if your thoughts are suicidal. Alcohol drops you mood, hence i request not to resort to it. Suicidal thoughts can, in an instant, become reality. For anyone who has ever been here, you know how close you've been to end of story! Please have a friend on speed dial and make that call before you do anything to yourself.
The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us, but those who win battles we know nothing about.
Please don't sit sad, don't let your brain get addicted to sadness. Seek help, or self help. We're not dying of this, so don't kill yourself already please.
PS: Feeling depressed and suffering from depression are two phenomenally different things. Pls consult a qualified doctor and not Web MD your symptoms before self diagnosing!
Yep! That's how sick my thoughts get. I don't want to be alone. I don't have the strenght physically and a lot of other things-wise to fight this war. I am visiting a new doctor this Monday, back to medications and counselling.
But what happened since my last post to now is a lot of people spoke to me about feeling similar things. I was taken aback. I am not alone, believe so are you! I was very happy they reached out to me. Someone to say the least! It's very important. Its brave to recognise how you feel, identify there is a problem in the first place and then the wish to rectify it is a big step in itself.
'Depression is living in a body that fights to survive with a mind that tries to die.'
To all those struggling with mental issues of any degree, please reach out the moment you realise you don't belong there! I am no expert here, i am struggling myself. Let me give you a knee jerk by telling you, it is merely a disbalance of chemicals in your head. Medicine and food can bring it back to normal, but that cannot happen until you have any willingness to help yourself.
Sometime in history i remember watching a documentary on the magical brain. A very interesting theory said that sadness is a result of low dopamine in the brain. This is the unsexy truth of this problem. Low Dopamine level can be dangerously addictive. I'll tell you how. When your natural levels drop, you take drugs that induce Dopamine. The brain experiences a sudden rush of pleasure, that what it seeks. So it looks for more of it. That's how you get addicted to drugs. You cannot consume these drugs if the natural level is balanced, so the brain never lets your level be normal, hence leaving you addicted to medicine or even drugs like cocaine etc. Ugly, isn't it!
But i will point down the few things that have tremendously helped me naturally get my head to a balance and i feel can help anyone.
1. Feeling Low - this is a constant in my life. Nothing excites me anymore. So i push myself to do things that i previously found exciting. Travel, sing, dance, party, adventure or whatever the heck it means! PUSH yourself out of the low. You will never experience a high instantly but atleast from the dumps you will come to ground zero. That's some growth! Go for walks, get some exercise. Join a gym, swim, run, walk your dog, walk your human... just go out!
2. Hopelessness - I swear on Almighty, nothing gives me more hope than seeing other people. I go to crowded places, often coffee shops or markets or parks and observe people. Lot of them thought i was a creep but really, i was just reading them, on their exteriors i was trying to read the stories within. I also attended a few self help workshops. I took to chanting. To each his own really. But hope is everywhere. Mostly when i see myself under a roof, getting two square meals, I feel privileged.
3. Low self esteem - Honestly, i haven't come through this fully, so i cannot make fake comments
4. Feeling tearful or guilt ridden - aaah damn! all the time, for no reason! I listen to music. Science is really not stupid and those who spent their lives on researching the benefits of music for healing depression werent mental after all! Music actually helps. My neighbors think i am cuckoo, but i sing aloud when i get teary or guilty! I sing my lungs out... it not only elevates my chemical, it also releases happy hormones. Try not sing 'tooth dil ke gaane' I have marked a happy playlist for such times. It helps! Also, i fake smile sometimes. Like i look into the mirror and smile as wide as i can. I try to feel it as well...
5. Finding it difficult to focus or make decisions - While i am writing this, i have 3 other windows open. Word docs, i have work, i have to write but i haven't been able to focus on either for more than 5 mins. Meditation helps. Nothing spiritual about it really. Doesnt make you any less cooler. Just that, it trains your mind to focus on the moment. I read somewhere 'Meditation is not about controlling your thoughts, its about not letting your thoughts control your mind'. Try it! I have moved to 'Theta Meditation' and it has opened my mind a lot. I haven't unlocked my 100% yet but i will get there soon
6. Self Harm - This is the worst zone! The moment there is a thought like that, just make a call to someone, talk to someone, random, anyone, about anything. Go down, talk to your chowkidar for all you care! Just don't be alone at that point. Alcohol is your worst enemy if your thoughts are suicidal. Alcohol drops you mood, hence i request not to resort to it. Suicidal thoughts can, in an instant, become reality. For anyone who has ever been here, you know how close you've been to end of story! Please have a friend on speed dial and make that call before you do anything to yourself.
The strongest people are not those who show strength in front of us, but those who win battles we know nothing about.
Please don't sit sad, don't let your brain get addicted to sadness. Seek help, or self help. We're not dying of this, so don't kill yourself already please.
PS: Feeling depressed and suffering from depression are two phenomenally different things. Pls consult a qualified doctor and not Web MD your symptoms before self diagnosing!
