Stopped Charity!

No ...i am just sitting on this goddamned chair for the past 6 and half hours and wondering where i am headed. Felt ignored for a message unreplied, felt stupid for having sent it... and i feel i should stop charity. My biggest problem is 'i cannot say no'. Even if i suffer, i cannot say no. Its not because i want to be polite or something... if that were the case i would give up being polite after a point when it begins to hurt me... but i cant say no because i cannot hurt other people. I put myself in their shoes n think how i would feel if it happened to me... and then.. i cannot say no!


I have made a zillion mistakes owing to this... i have been made to look and feel silly several times because of my niceness and it has become too much for me to handle. I dont want to be nice anymore. And i believe there is nothing wrong in being grey. Everybody is like that isnt it? I have been bickering with my best friend...how ignored and terrible i feel about myself these days... she doesnt agree with me naturally. But the fact remains...


It was my birthday last week and i was pleasantly surprised to get calls from some people. But i was utterly shattered to not have recvd calls from some. I was lonely.. i had no one really... i was scared to go home and go to bed all alone and wake up next morning with swollen eyes. But there were a few who perhaps guessed how i would be if i were lonely and made sure i felt happy about myself. On my set... i was pepped up... all day people kept wishing me and wishes for faraway shores kept pouring in too... but i was lonely inside still. 


For once in my life i wished i had someone next to me..who i could share my joys and sorrows with. I felt thankless and insignificant... because i was not remembered on the one and only day which is mine! I shouldnt be so so upset but i am.. and i cant help it. I tried to forgive and forget as well... but it doesnt work with me.


I was told i am cribbing and whining... and i am over reacting and so on and so forth... but hello!? i made ur day special dint i? i dont expect candle lights and expensive gifts... all i expect is a 'wish'! where is it? I celebrated with a new found set of 'my people' who painted my face with chocolate cake that hid my glum face... the tears that rolled down then seemed like tears of joy... but the fact remained still...


my best friend and my sister wrote notes for me and i was emotional... i wish i could show them how overjoyed i was to read it... it was a matter of great honour and reciprocation of love which really meant a lot. That very moment i had a thousand thots running through my mind like gunshot... those occasions when i went out of the way to make people happy and when the same set went out of their ways to make me unhappy! and .... i stopped charity! 


PS: this really isnt to gain a chain of sympathy comments... its more for myself.. to let out what is inside me for the past 4 days... 

2010

@ midnyt hugged Charu, Kunal, Rahul wished them a happy new year. Slightly dodgy and sloshed... in the big air conditioned rooms of Grand Sayaji hotel... grieving over my lost camera... eating free five star food and misusing all five star service is what i did on 1st. Beginning was rocking i remember! Went home at 6am and slept. Woke up at 10am and was trying to figure all day if its a hangover or headache that was giving me double vision. It was hunger. By the time my vision sorted itself i was out again drinking...chai this time. In the warm company of some good ol friends... Charu, Kunal, Deepta, Divya, Neha, Vikrant, Tarun. Sometimes nothing can bring as much warmth in your life as the warmth that some close friends can bring. It was a cold breezy evening yet we sat outside in the open at our favourite adda! The change of date was still fresh as we discussed who did what on the previous night. I had some fun pictures to show them all and eventually ended up being embarrassed myself. But today i think of it all... its a change in date merely isnt' it. But i get surprised how a small change in date can bring about such a wave of change in just about everything. People star making new year resolutions, they want to change certain things from their life, their perspective changes and sometimes even the interiors of their house changes! Just by a change of date. So the date changes everyday doesn't it. Why doesn't the daily change of date induce so much energy and enthusiasm as the flipping of the year? It's not like from 31st december we step into 1st january into a futuristic world suddenly! Everything still remains the same. Life hasnt changed for me atleast. Barring the one person who was absent last year and was with me this year. I am in the same boat... that boat hasnt crossed over i guess. I am still waiting to re-organise my house, re-organise my life, make resolutions for the year that i feel is my New Year. And no paragraphs today, coz my thoughts are just flowing... so i let them...:-) Happy New Year to the rest...

The empty spaces

I love the smell of a vacant freshly painted apartment. The very idea that you are the first person to occupy it and the idea that i finally i get to do up my own house! Own = rented for me. A space that i can call my own. most of my stuff is borrowed coz i dont have anything of my own here. Its stupid to buy all the non sense and keep moving it all every 11 months. Yet it cannot refrain me from buying stuff!

As i enter my drawing room is empty. My voice echoes in there. My kitchen is surely gonna be fancy. It just short of some utensils, a fridge and a bar! My bedroom is sorta done... the red handloom curtains are up and my yellow checkered handloom bedspread looks good! The very authentic looking supreme rosewood fake cupboard has found its nook. My roomies room is empty!!!! The emptiness of this house is slightly unnerving. My sister is here to help me but she will be gone soon and i will be left behind alone in this vaccum. Yet when i return from work i know i am home!

In perhaps 30 days my house will start to look like home as well!